Al Carlos Hernandez

8. That’s what she said.

7. Flight engineers were forced to wear huge women’s sunglasses.

6. Politically-premature exacerbation. [Mas…]

Rookie Fidel Castro will not be drafted by the Marlins

8. I admire the fact that Fidel is not that dead yet.

7. I have decided to move to Cape Canaveral, North Korea and never talk sports again.

6. Ricky Ricardo should have been president of Cuba for the last 50 years. [Mas…]

Ladies: Do not wear extra-high-heeled pumps with yoga pants

It’s easy to spot people from another country by the way they mix and match their clothes. If someone is wearing dress shoes and a jogging suit, chances are they are from anywhere but here.

A word of caution here: If an OG writer can figure this out, so can the Migra. [Mas…]

Many drivers feel compelled to hang eclectic things from their rear view mirrors as a personal statement of identity, like a moniker or family crest. They painstakingly choose a little symbol that transforms their mass-produced faceless production vehicle into an expression of self.

In any discussion of how Latinos choose to label themselves, maybe researchers should check out someone’s ride before they fill out a questionnaire.

Back in the day and several years before my time, it was vogue to hang fuzzy dice from your rear view mirror, indicating you considered yourself a wild rebellious playboy gambler and wanted everyone to know. [Mas…]

It’s time to pay whatever we owe to Tio Sam. In case you’re having trouble with your return, here are eight potential tax-deductible expenses you should consider, however briefly:

8. Chupacabra repellent

7. Corrective toe surgery for participation in Cumbia Olympics

6. Buzz cuts to cut down on Carbon/Cabron footprint [Mas…]

Screenshot from 'How To Be A Cholo' video (below) shows properly-buttoned Pendleton

A Pendleton is a warm plaid flannel shirt, part of  the uniform worn by old-style pachucos, vatos locos, and a few retro cholo/homeboys. The shirt, if you are Culturally Chicano, irrespective of weather, is always worn buttoned to the top — no matter what.

To complicate matters, the Pendleton has to be worn with a t-shirt because the wool really itches. A Pendleton can only be worn t-shirtless as a gang initiation, or if a homeboy does his own laundry, dyeing all of his chonies red or blue. This means two things: he doesn’t live with his mama, and does not have a girlfriend.

I have said all that to just say this: My wife says that my last Pendleton has to go. [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho tips for Latino astronauts (like José Hernández)

by Al Carlos Hernandez March 27, 2012 Cultura
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So you want to follow José Hernández into outer espace as a Latino astronaut? Here’s our handy list of tips for a safe and successful mission: 8. Do not order the all-bean burrito for lunch. 7. When you fly over my house, wave or else people will think you’re stuck up. 6. Make a mean […]

[Mas…]

Chicano lottery ticket buyers’ Pocho Ocho plans for all that money

by Al Carlos Hernandez March 22, 2012 Cultura
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8. Quinceañera at Staples 7. Marching in the Cinco de Mayo parade with Mexican pointy boots (video below) 6. MALDEF buys the next governor’s race 5. Immigration lawyers will finally pay off their student loans

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho reasons Eldorado is a myth

by Al Carlos Hernandez March 20, 2012 El Now
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8. The Aztlan Eldorado is a front-wheel-drive Caddy that is impossible to lower. 7. The real Mexican gold comes from Acapulco. 6. Ironically, because of the “Sherm” they forgot where they buried the real gold. 5. The Aztec 1%-ers used all of the gold to make grills for their rebellious teenagers.

[Mas…]

Help! I’ve fallen in my chanclas and I can’t get up!

by Al Carlos Hernandez March 19, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Help! I’ve fallen in my chanclas and I can’t get up!

It was a family tradition, no doubt rooted in the dark recesses of cholo vato loco-ism, for my sons and me to wear the cheapest-imaginable black Rite Aid $9.95 house shoes. They were cotton corduroy, black with ridges at the top. On the bottom there was a flat layer of black foamy stuff which puppies […]

[Mas…]