Moonbase issue casts shadow on final GOP debate

by Lalo Alcaraz on January 30, 2012 in El Now, Outer Espace, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) The moon was high on the debate agenda last night as Gov. Mitt Romney and former Rep. Newt Gingrich crossed lightsabers with both candidates fighting hard to capture the crucial lunar vote.

The encounter, held at Farpoint Station Laser Tag in Orlando, was the 79th GOP debate and the last before Tuesday’s primary election.

Gingrich, his arms unfurled, set the tone by calling for the establishment of a permanent base on the moon by the year 2020. Gingrich has also set this date as a deadline for establishing a new marriage with a heretofore unexplored Mrs. Gingrich #4.

Warning that the Chinese would dominate outer space if the U.S.A. does not step up in the moonbase race, Gingrich said “Frankly, the Chinese can probably set up the first Panda Express on the moon in 30 minutes or less.”

The Panda Express caveat came after former restauranteur Herman Cain, now a technical advisor to the Gingrich campaign, warned that the Chinese were developing new weapons like gunpowder and MSG. Previously, Cain endorsed Gingrich for the nomination.

Former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) emphasized Jesus would not want a moonbase. “The moon is not in the Bible, so why would Jesus want us to use science to to establish a moon colony? Science is not in the Bible, either. Besides, the moon is just a gateway to Uranus.”

Gingrich lectured Santorum on this point:

It is crucial for the U.S. to push exploration in that region, and I am also attempting to convince my reluctant wife.

Out in the parking lot, former candidate Rick Perry, who was not allowed into the building, was holding a sign urging Gingrich to name his moonbase, “Camp N*****moon.”

Gingrich predicted that once the moonbase had 13,000 residents it could apply for statehood and that he would allow a small number of poor black children to be “space janitors.”

Gingrich then vowed that he would make English the official language of the moon, but that this was not a racist sentiment on his part, citing his mastery of Klingon, pounding his chest and shouting, “Hab SoSlI’ Quch! NuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’!”

Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) argued against allowing black youth on the moon. “With the moon’s lighter gravity, they will really be fleet of foot, and we’ll never catch them. That’s the trouble with tribbles.”

Paul then clearly stated that he was against invading the moon in any case:

We should not start another military adventure up there. All we will do is make the Grays, Reptilians and the Na’avi angry at us. Remember the Prime Directive, folks.

Romney argued against spending tax dollars on such an expensive endeavor:

Gosh, why would I want to build another moonbase? I actually already own the moon, where I built Kolob, my own Mormon Moon Colony. Also, I have several million of dollars on an island in the Sea of Tranquility.

After the debate, the participants shook hands with the audience of eight children and were invited to share some pizza and sing Happy Birthday to a Orlando resident, Brandon Perry, 12.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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