Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
My question is simple: Should I dye my hair black? I am starting to get white hairs and a streak in the front. My original color is black. I’m 49 so it is not premature. It just seems everyone does it until age 60 or 70, like an old lady’s right of passage, and one old aunt even said I better do it quick before my fiance decides not to marry me!
Socorro, Socorro! Mis pelos estan cambiando plata

Dear Mix ‘n’ Match Carpet and Drapes,
It’s preguntas like this that make me want to pull the white pelos off your cabeza with my bare hands. What’s wrong with white hair? George Washington didn’t dye his hair and Martha married him anyway. Any fiance who would dump you over a few canas isn’t worth your time.

I don’t care if you’re already beyond your years as a catch. I hope you’re not planning on wearing white for your wedding. Sin verguenza! But, if you must dye your hair, just remember to dye your carpet the same color.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita,
How can I know if my GF has no boyfriend other than me?
Signed, To be honest

Dear To Be or Not To Be,
What kind of pregunta is this, do you think I’m a Magic 8 Ball? I may not be able to give the answer but I can give you a few tips to find out for yourself.

You can volunteer to do her laundry and then do a scratch-and-sniff with her calzones to see if you detect the aroma of another vato. If that doesn’t work then you can buy a wig and fake bigote then get a rental car and do a sancho stakeout in front of her place. [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse

Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.

Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu. [Mas…]

Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.

YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?

Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo

Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one. [Mas…]

Dear Abeulita:
Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem.

I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at hotel we are staying. The worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and my cell phone was stolen at during the incident and it’s such a crazy experience for us. Now, we stranded here without any money with us and we to need fly back home. Although we are so happy that we are physically OK and our passport still save with us.

We have been to police to make report about the incident but the best help they could render to us is that they took us to the embassy. Now, embassy have arrange a flight for us which was schedule on 15th of August but we don’t want to wait long anymore before we can get back home. I have been able to raise some money for the ticket but we are still short of little cash to complete the money and I will appreciate if you can be able to help us out with the little cash that we need.

I promise that i will pay you back any amount you can loan me as soon as i get back home. I will like you to get back to me as soon as possible Thanks you,
Signed, Your Nephew Carlos Abuelito

Dear Imposter,
Mentiroso, I don’t have a nephew Carlos and if I did he would never be a bleeding wanker like you. Instead he would enjoy an extended holiday in London, mostly indulging in British cuisine. [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

by Dear Abuelita July 18, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita: Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

by Dear Abuelita July 11, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Sexting, white-washed Chicana, July 4 fireworks

by Dear Abuelita July 4, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Sexting, white-washed Chicana, July 4 fireworks

Dear Abuelita, What is the deal on “sexting”? Do guys really think a low-res cam-phone photo of their junk will make me swoon with desire? Take me to a gallery opening or a new artisan bakery or something dick-less, por plis. If I judged boys by dick pics, my dance card would be filled with […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Oh so liberal, like brown on rice, a Lone Star lament

by Dear Abuelita June 27, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I know the pathetic preguntas that give you the opportunity to insult poor suffering souls are the ones you pick to answer, but I really need your ayuda! So put your hearing aids and reading anteojos on and eschuchame! Some members of mi familia are pinche plain racist, elitist, and sexist! As the […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

by Dear Abuelita June 20, 2012 Cultura
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Yo, Abeuelita, sup? In my wayward youth I was a gangbanger and have the bullet wounds, knife scars and tats to prove it. But those days are over and I’m now a legally-employed husband and dad with two kids. The shorties are getting big enough to where they will soon begin to ask me questions […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, [email protected], burning bras

by Dear Abuelita June 13, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

Dear Abuelita: I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful. We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

by Dear Abuelita June 6, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita: Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty. Signed, El Pocho Dear Beach Bothered Bingo, So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

by Dear Abuelita May 30, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

Dear Abuelita, In elementary school they used to make us sing a song “Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house to we go. The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and drifted snow!” Huh? Both my abuelas died before I was born so I never met them […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

by Dear Abuelita May 23, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act. Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries. Signed, Aye […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

by Dear Abuelita May 16, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, OK so I went to this internet dating site and filled out this long questionnaire about my inner feelings and wants and desires and what are my values and what is important to me and all that and still I get no replies from the chicas I email. I will be out in […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

by Dear Abuelita May 9, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I have still my cuero (foreskin) and I was wondering if I get circumcised will I feel better when I am inside a choncho or will I be wasting my ficha. Signed, Extra Carne Dear Extra Carne Carnal, Some people dislike extra carnita on their flauta but a little foreskin can be fun […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

by Dear Abuelita May 2, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants? Titi Caca Dear Titi Caca, Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

by Dear Abuelita April 18, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: I howl like a dog in my sleep – could I be horny?

by Dear Abuelita April 11, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, Early this morning while I was sleeping I thought my Jack-Chi dog Chacho was howling from his chair in the living room. (He enjoys the wing-backed chair with the mauve chenille cushion.) I called out for him to come to me. My roommate (my ex who is still legally my husband) came into […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

by Dear Abuelita April 4, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Querida Abuelita, I’m a 48-year-old hot-blooded Latina and pienso que I’ve finally fallen in love por la ultima vez as in I WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN! Problem is quizas I have scared him away after he hit his nerdy cabeza falling so hard for me, too. How do I hook the love of my […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

by Dear Abuelita March 28, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita: I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not? Crazy with Celibacy Dear Crazy with Celibacy: Ever hear of “something […]

[Mas…]