Pocho Ocho

Sign_at_Donald_Trump_rally_2015(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.

Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.

“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”

How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?

Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:

8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.

7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.

6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over.  Bless his sweet heart. [Mas…]

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curiel-trumpcardcarryingYou know that “Mexican Judge,” Gonzalo P. Curiel? He can’t be impartial in the Trump University fraud case because he’s a member of that militant Mexican cabal known as LA RAZA.

And he’s not the only one! After all, you can’t have a conspiracy with only one conspirator, amirite?

There might even be card-carrying members of LA RAZA in your neighborhood, at your job, talking about you in Spanish at the next table over, or ohmygod in your kids’ schools!

Be aware and be prepared, America.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Tell if Someone Is A Member Of LA RAZA:

8. Nopal en la frente

7. MEChA meeting

6. No era penal [Mas…]

trump-university-screenshotNewly unsealed federal fraud lawsuit records show that unqualified instructors and abusive sales tactics weren’t the only “trade secrets” Trump University was trying to hide.

Sworn testimony and company documents — ordered released by Indiana-born “Mexican judge” Gonzalo Curiel of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of California — also revealed these Pocho Ocho Top Shameful Secrets of Trump University:

8. Trump University cafeteria’s “taco bowls” were based on a recipe rejected by Rick Bayless.

7. Trump University sales staffers (“admission counselors”) who didn’t make assigned quotas were dressed as gorillas and dropped off in Cincinnati.

6. Course outline for URBAN REAL ESTATE REDEVELOPMENT included a seminar entitled “Evicting a three-generation family business and replacing it with a chain retailer is easy if you just remember these three letters: K, K and K.” [Mas…]

cornVery late Wednesday night, I created a Twitter hashtag — #MakeMoviesMexican — and asked the Tuiteros if they had suggestions.

Huh? What do you mean? Like this:

#MAKEMOVIESMEXICAN. Gone With the Migra. White Men Can’t Cumbia. Get the idea?

(It turns out I wasn’t the first with this idea. Superstar pocho comic Felipe Esparza tried this concept in February.)

Here are the Pocho Ocho NEW Top Tweets we got in return (racist, ignorant Tweets not included — the entire thread is below.):

8. Mex In The City

7. Dude, Juarez My Car?

6. Finding Chapo

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Spring began at 9:30 PDT Saturday night as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know?

Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Tell that Spring has Sprung:

8. Chipotle Mexican Grill introduces Fresh Seasonal Virus Menu

7. KKK members don short-sleeved sheets and start work on their tans

6. Sarah Palin switches from bourbon to gin [Mas…]

larazatshirtLove is in the air for Valentine’s Day, along with cries for immigration reform, equal economic opportunity and an end to pervasive systemic racism.

Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho, Chicano, Chicana, Chican@ and/or Latinx to get lucky AND make the world a better place?

Yes, there is, in our list of the Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines you can use this Valentine’s Day:

8. What do we want? A quiet romantic dinner for two! When do we want it? Friday night — what do you think — 8-ish?

7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a MEChA like this?

6. Is that a GMO-free organic sustainably-raised earth-friendly heirloom local family farm non-corporate elote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? [Mas…]

newhampshiredonkeyhoteyDonald Trump’s and Bernie Sanders’ stunning victories Tuesday don’t make sense unless you know the hidden history of the state of New Hampshire.

That’s the reason we researched and compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire:

8. New HAMpshire is known for its “HAM aroma” which inspired the hit song My Sharona

7. Coincidence or conspiracy? The ham-smelling state’s namesake [old] Hampshire, on England’s southern coast across the channel from France, smells like CHEESE

6. New Hampshire is very white. How white is it? New Hampshire is so white it makes the OSCARS look like a #BlackLivesMatter rally [Mas…]



It’s not a good sign when you have to ask the crowd to “Please clap,” like former Governor Jeb Bush (R-Florida) at a New Hampshire campaign rally Tuesday.

JEB! may not yet be prepared to admit he’s already lost, but we are, Fat Lady or not. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell It’s All Over for Jeb Bush:

8. Briefly lost consciousness after choking on a pretzel

7. Hired New Orleans/Katrina FEMA guy “Brownie” as replacement campaign manager

6. Spotted holding hands with Saudi royalty [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top lessons of the Iowa GOP caucuses (NSFW video)

by Especial Correspondents February 2, 2016 El Now
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What can we learn from the Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) victory Monday in the Iowa GOP caucuses? It’s time to support CANADIANS FOR PRESIDENT! [NSFW video, one F-bomb.] And what else? How about the Pocho Ocho Top Lessons We Learned from the Iowa GOP Caucuses: 8. He who smelt it, dealt it. 7. If ifs […]

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Pocho Ocho top reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio is endorsing Donald Trump

by Especial Correspondents January 26, 2016 El Now
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Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times. Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and […]

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Pocho Ocho top changes to expect now that Univision owns The Onion

by Especial Correspondents January 19, 2016 Cultura
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Now that UNIVISION has become a part owner of The Onion, our media analysts have compiled the Pocho Ocho top changes you can expect from the new corporation: 8. Daily stories tagged #TelemundoFail 7. Don Francisco’s triumphant return to TV as Area Man 6. Univision closes failing millennial-oriented website The Cilantro

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Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has ‘Gone Hollywood’

by Al Madrigal January 11, 2016 Cultura
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El Chapo’s secret meetup with Sean Penn was just the tip of the iceberg, Goldberg, whatever. The notorious drug lord is a whole new vato now — and here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has “Gone Hollywood”: 8. He’s dating Kate Hudson 7. He’s on an all-cactus juice cleanse […]

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Pocho Ocho top ways El Chapo could escape again

by Especial Correspondents January 8, 2016 El Now
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Mexico has recaptured fugitive drug cartel jefe El Chapo Guzman –– who notoriously tunneled out of a high security prison last summer –- but the criminal mastermind isn’t done yet. Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this […]

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These are our Pocho Ocho Top New Year’s Resolutions for 2016

by Especial Correspondents December 30, 2015 Cultura
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We asked the POCHO posse – Los Pochodores – to share their New Year’s Resolutions for 2015. After the responses came in, we picked the best answers, and then carefully removed all the information that could personally identify the authors because El Cucuy. And so we present Los Pochodores’ Pocho Ocho Top New Year Revolutions: […]

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Pocho Ocho top ways to tell if your new neighbors are terrorists

by Comic Saenz December 9, 2015 El Now
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Those new neighbors, you know, those people down the hall or across the street — where do they come from? What’s that crazy moon language? What are they up to? If you see something, say something. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell If Your New Neighbors Are Terrorists: 8. Since sunset on […]

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Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2015

by Especial Correspondents November 27, 2015 Cultura
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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad Pro — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday: 8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3. 7. Shoppers who carry their own […]

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Pocho Ocho amazing little-known first Thanksgiving factoids

by Especial Correspondents November 26, 2015 Cultura
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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here: 8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date 7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly 6. […]

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Pocho Ocho best ways to tell if your tamales are illegal

by Especial Correspondents November 19, 2015 Cultura
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After the Border Patrol at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confiscated and incinerated 450 “illegal tamales” flown in from Mexico (photo), we asked tamale experts how law-abiding citizens could determine if their tamales were also illegal. After all, when tamales are illegal, only illegals will have tamales. Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to […]

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Pocho Ocho things to eat that are way worse for you than bacon

by Especial Correspondents October 29, 2015 Cultura
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Bacon is makin’ news because a questionably-reported study says the hot and salty candy can cause cancer – or not. They say we had to ditch the bacon, but we said, “No! No! No!” That’s because there are Pocho Ocho Top Things You Can Eat That Are Way Worse Than Bacon: 8. Bush™  special frijoles — THE […]

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Pocho Ocho other things that Christopher Columbus got wrong

by Especial Correspondents October 12, 2015 Cultura
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Aside from not sailing to “India,” Christopher Columbus got many other things wrong: 8. He forgot the extra pair of chonies his abuela packed for him. 7. He named all of his ships after cholas, but forgot La Sad Girl. 6. He didn’t stop to ask for directions.

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Pocho Ocho best ways to bait a Chipster (Chicano + hipster) Trap

by Especial Correspondents August 5, 2015 Cultura

In New Jack City, proactive pranksters have set Hipster Traps to snare unwary hipsters. The NYC traps are baited with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, American Spirit cigarettes, a bike chain and neon-pink Wayfarer sunglasses. When trapping chipsters (Chicano hipsters), our experts recommend these Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Bait Your Chipster Trap: 8. Suavecito® Pomade and Beard Wax […]

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Pocho Ocho top reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald

by Especial Correspondents July 24, 2015 El Now
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After POCHO’s Dennis Wilen AKA Comic Saenz finally came clean about his history with UPenn classmate Donald Trump, we’ve learned more about the events that turned a Child of the 60s into the bitter meng he is today. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald: 8. […]

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Pocho Ocho most amazing facts behind El Chapo’s daring escape

by Especial Correspondents July 15, 2015 El Now
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The daring prison escape of Mexican drug lord El Chapo Guzman Saturday has raised many questions. Why Saturday? Who dug the tunnel? How did they do it? How did they hide? Here are Pocho Ocho Most Amazing Facts Behind El Chapo’s Escape we’ve unearthed so far: 8. Shoutout to Uber de Mexico for the fast pickup! 7. […]

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Pocho Ocho things Donald Trump wants you to know about Mexicans

by Especial Correspondents June 17, 2015 El Now
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Because he wants to make America great again, GOP presidential nominee wannabe Donald Trump shared some nasty knowledge about Mexican immigrants when he announced his candidacy Tuesday (video). They’re rapists, he said, and bring crime and drugs. But that’s not all! Here are are Pocho Ocho top things Donald Trump also wants you to know […]

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