Pocho Ocho

bluecover(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned.

Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President Bill Clinton, rehearsing, and recording with his band. His first CD — Barry Blows the Blues — will drop January 21, the day after Donald Trump’s inauguration.

Sources tell us these are the Pocho Ocho Top Tunes — recorded in “Living Stereo” — featured on Barry Blows the Blues:

8. Yes, I Kenya

7. Livin’ in a Cracker’s Paradise

6. Michelle [Mas…]

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superbrewerFormer Arizona Governor Jan Brewja is predicting Donald Trump will win in the Hate State elections because Latinos won’t vote.

“Nah,” Brewer said in an interview with the Boston Globe. “They don’t get out and vote. They don’t vote.”

What else does she foresee? Here are her Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions:

8. Pigs will fly.

7. When nasty women stop provoking the average guy with slutty clothes, rapes will stop.

6. If regulators approve the AT&T-Time Warner merger, the cable guy will actually arrive between 10am and 2pm. [Mas…]

juikiVenezuela-based “transparency” website JuikiLiques dropped some big political bombshells this morning — the so-called “October Surprise.”

POCHO’s Especial Correspondents axed all the refryable sources to concoct this list, so check it out: The Pocho Ocho Top Juikiliques Bombshells:

8. Donald Trump’s plan to have “Mexico pay for the wall” relies on hiring Mexican workers, not paying them, and then deporting them, a scheme that worked so well in previous real estate projects.

7. Hillary Clinton threw away over 200 valuable AOL membership CDs and never told the FBI.

6. Donald Trump’s hairdresser, former airport cosmetologist Manila Envelopé, won’t use anything but Tres Flores mousse for Trump’s weave-over, but she removes the labels so the Donald won’t know. [Mas…]

donaldbillDonald Trump’s leaked tax returns prove he played the system to avoid paying his fair share of taxes.

The lamestream media is all over the big ticket items, so POCHO’s crack team went extra deep into the documents to find some smaller write offs the Donald didn’t want the public to see.

We call these Mexclusive discoveries Donald Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions:

8. Loss carry-forward on Cheeto Powder Commodity Futures Trading

7. Weaves-Я-Us Perpetual Care

6. Depreciation on WifeBot2000 [Mas…]

quesotrumpchinatweetReports are circulating that Donald Trump and/or his staff have been combing over his Twitter timeline and deleting embarrassing Tweets — remarks he and his campaign no longer want to defend. One Tweet he wishes wasn’t his claimed that China invented climate change to steal American jobs, a Tweet ridiculed Monday night by Hillary Clinton (photo.)

POCHO’s staff has been going over the Twitter archives and grabbed screenshots of some @RealDonaldTrump Tweets that are probably next on the deletion hit list.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Damaging:

8. dountoothers

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Maricopa County Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio told a Tea Party meeting Tuesday he is still investigating President Obama’s birth certificate, which he says is a forgery.

But that’s not all! These are Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho Top Unsolved Mysteries:

8. Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

7. Fucking magnets, how do they work?

6. Who cut the cheese? [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017

by Especial Correspondents September 16, 2016 Cultura
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“Hispanic” Heritage Month, the officially-approved celebration of Latinx and their contributions to the United Estates of America, started Thursday. Donald Trump’s GOP has proposed their own list of praise-worthy Hispanix for next year’s fiesta — assuming Trump wins — and POCHO has gotten a sneak peek at their nominations. Peep this Mexclusive list of the […]

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Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Decolonize Your Diet

by Especial Correspondents September 7, 2016 Cultura
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Decolonizing your diet is more than a trendy Chicanx meme, it’s a book, and a chingon idea. If you want to just say “No!” to the comida of the Conquistadors and eat what Tlaloc intended — the authentic food of your ancestors — here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Decolonize Your Diet: 8. […]

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Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

by Comic Saenz July 18, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests. Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist. “If the […]

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Pocho Ocho best ways to tell if someone is a member of ‘LA RAZA’

by Especial Correspondents June 9, 2016 El Now
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You know that “Mexican Judge,” Gonzalo P. Curiel? He can’t be impartial in the Trump University fraud case because he’s a member of that militant Mexican cabal known as LA RAZA. And he’s not the only one! After all, you can’t have a conspiracy with only one conspirator, amirite? There might even be card-carrying members […]

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‘Mexican Judge’ Reveals Pocho Ocho Top Secrets of Trump University

by Especial Correspondents June 2, 2016 El Now
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Newly unsealed federal fraud lawsuit records show that unqualified instructors and abusive sales tactics weren’t the only “trade secrets” Trump University was trying to hide. Sworn testimony and company documents — ordered released by Indiana-born “Mexican judge” Gonzalo Curiel of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of California — also revealed these Pocho […]

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Pocho Ocho Best Ways to #MakeMoviesMexican (via Twitter)

by Comic Saenz May 27, 2016 Cultura
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Very late Wednesday night, I created a Twitter hashtag — #MakeMoviesMexican — and asked the Tuiteros if they had suggestions. Huh? What do you mean? Like this: #MAKEMOVIESMEXICAN. Gone With the Migra. White Men Can’t Cumbia. Get the idea? (It turns out I wasn’t the first with this idea. Superstar pocho comic Felipe Esparza tried this […]

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Pocho Ocho top ways to tell that Spring has finally esprung

by Comic Saenz March 21, 2016 Cultura
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Spring began at 9:30 PDT Saturday night as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know? Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Tell that Spring has Sprung: 8. Chipotle Mexican Grill introduces Fresh Seasonal Virus Menu 7. KKK members don short-sleeved sheets and […]

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Pocho Ocho top activists’ pickup lines for Valentine’s Day

by Especial Correspondents February 12, 2016 Cultura
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Love is in the air for Valentine’s Day, along with cries for immigration reform, equal economic opportunity and an end to pervasive systemic racism. Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho, Chicano, Chicana, Chican@ and/or Latinx to get lucky AND make the world a better place? Yes, there is, in our […]

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Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire

by Comic Saenz February 10, 2016 El Now
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Donald Trump’s and Bernie Sanders’ stunning victories Tuesday don’t make sense unless you know the hidden history of the state of New Hampshire. That’s the reason we researched and compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire: 8. New HAMpshire is known for its “HAM aroma” which inspired the hit […]

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Pocho Ocho top ways to tell it’s all over for JEB! (sad videos)

by Comic Saenz February 4, 2016 El Now
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It’s not a good sign when you have to ask the crowd to “Please clap,” like former Governor Jeb Bush (R-Florida) at a New Hampshire campaign rally Tuesday. JEB! may not yet be prepared to admit he’s already lost, but we are, Fat Lady or not. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell […]

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Pocho Ocho top lessons of the Iowa GOP caucuses (NSFW video)

by Especial Correspondents February 2, 2016 El Now
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What can we learn from the Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) victory Monday in the Iowa GOP caucuses? It’s time to support CANADIANS FOR PRESIDENT! [NSFW video, one F-bomb.] And what else? How about the Pocho Ocho Top Lessons We Learned from the Iowa GOP Caucuses: 8. He who smelt it, dealt it. 7. If ifs […]

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Pocho Ocho top reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio is endorsing Donald Trump

by Especial Correspondents January 26, 2016 El Now
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Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times. Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and […]

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Pocho Ocho top changes to expect now that Univision owns The Onion

by Especial Correspondents January 19, 2016 Cultura
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Now that UNIVISION has become a part owner of The Onion, our media analysts have compiled the Pocho Ocho top changes you can expect from the new corporation: 8. Daily stories tagged #TelemundoFail 7. Don Francisco’s triumphant return to TV as Area Man 6. Univision closes failing millennial-oriented website The Cilantro

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Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has ‘Gone Hollywood’

by Al Madrigal January 11, 2016 Cultura
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El Chapo’s secret meetup with Sean Penn was just the tip of the iceberg, Goldberg, whatever. The notorious drug lord is a whole new vato now — and here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has “Gone Hollywood”: 8. He’s dating Kate Hudson 7. He’s on an all-cactus juice cleanse […]

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Pocho Ocho top ways El Chapo could escape again

by Especial Correspondents January 8, 2016 El Now
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Mexico has recaptured fugitive drug cartel jefe El Chapo Guzman –– who notoriously tunneled out of a high security prison last summer –- but the criminal mastermind isn’t done yet. Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this […]

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These are our Pocho Ocho Top New Year’s Resolutions for 2016

by Especial Correspondents December 30, 2015 Cultura
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We asked the POCHO posse – Los Pochodores – to share their New Year’s Resolutions for 2015. After the responses came in, we picked the best answers, and then carefully removed all the information that could personally identify the authors because El Cucuy. And so we present Los Pochodores’ Pocho Ocho Top New Year Revolutions: […]

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Pocho Ocho top ways to tell if your new neighbors are terrorists

by Comic Saenz December 9, 2015 El Now
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Those new neighbors, you know, those people down the hall or across the street — where do they come from? What’s that crazy moon language? What are they up to? If you see something, say something. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell If Your New Neighbors Are Terrorists: 8. Since sunset on […]

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Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2015

by Especial Correspondents November 27, 2015 Cultura
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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad Pro — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday: 8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3. 7. Shoppers who carry their own […]

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