Pocho Ocho

Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something

Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire

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newhampshiredonkeyhoteyDonald Trump’s and Bernie Sanders’ stunning victories Tuesday don’t make sense unless you know the hidden history of the state of New Hampshire.

That’s the reason we researched and compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire:

8. New HAMpshire is known for its “HAM aroma” which inspired the hit song My Sharona

7. Coincidence or conspiracy? The ham-smelling state’s namesake [old] Hampshire, on England’s southern coast across the channel from France, smells like CHEESE

6. New Hampshire is very white. How white is it? New Hampshire is so white it makes the OSCARS look like a #BlackLivesMatter rally

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire

Pocho Ocho top ways to tell it’s all over for JEB! (sad videos)

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It’s not a good sign when you have to ask the crowd to “Please clap,” like former Governor Jeb Bush (R-Florida) at a New Hampshire campaign rally Tuesday.

JEB! may not yet be prepared to admit he’s already lost, but we are, Fat Lady or not. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell It’s All Over for Jeb Bush:

8. Briefly lost consciousness after choking on a pretzel

7. Hired New Orleans/Katrina FEMA guy “Brownie” as replacement campaign manager

6. Spotted holding hands with Saudi royalty

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways to tell it’s all over for JEB! (sad videos)

Pocho Ocho top lessons of the Iowa GOP caucuses (NSFW video)

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What can we learn from the Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) victory Monday in the Iowa GOP caucuses? It’s time to support CANADIANS FOR PRESIDENT! [NSFW video, one F-bomb.]

And what else? How about the Pocho Ocho Top Lessons We Learned from the Iowa GOP Caucuses:

8. He who smelt it, dealt it.

7. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry caucus.

6. I know you are, but what am I?

Mas…Pocho Ocho top lessons of the Iowa GOP caucuses (NSFW video)

Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has ‘Gone Hollywood’

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pennelchapoEl Chapo’s secret meetup with Sean Penn was just the tip of the iceberg, Goldberg, whatever.

The notorious drug lord is a whole new vato now — and here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has “Gone Hollywood”:

8. He’s dating Kate Hudson

7. He’s on an all-cactus juice cleanse to drop weight for the upcoming pilot season

6. He just reached 200k followers on Instagram

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has ‘Gone Hollywood’

Pocho Ocho top ways El Chapo could escape again

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elchapotunnelMexico has recaptured fugitive drug cartel jefe El Chapo Guzman –– who notoriously tunneled out of a high security prison last summer –- but the criminal mastermind isn’t done yet.

Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ways El Chapo Could Escape Again:

8. Trained bats

7. Incredible shrinking ray

6. Those gigantor worms from Tremors

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways El Chapo could escape again

Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2015

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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad Pro — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday:

8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.

7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.

6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2015

Pocho Ocho amazing little-known first Thanksgiving factoids

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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here:

8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date

7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly

6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Chipotle Mexican Grill

Mas…Pocho Ocho amazing little-known first Thanksgiving factoids

Pocho Ocho best ways to tell if your tamales are illegal

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illegaltamalesAfter the Border Patrol at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confiscated and incinerated 450 “illegal tamales” flown in from Mexico (photo), we asked tamale experts how law-abiding citizens could determine if their tamales were also illegal.

After all, when tamales are illegal, only illegals will have tamales. Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Tell If Your Tamales Are illegal:

8. The tamales “accidentally” turned off their body-cams

7. Fake Syrian passports

6. Hipsters keep asking you where you got them

Mas…Pocho Ocho best ways to tell if your tamales are illegal

Pocho Ocho things to eat that are way worse for you than bacon

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fryingbaconanimatedBacon is makin’ news because a questionably-reported study says the hot and salty candy can cause cancer – or not. They say we had to ditch the bacon, but we said, “No! No! No!”

That’s because there are Pocho Ocho Top Things You Can Eat That Are Way Worse Than Bacon:

8. Bush™  special frijoles — THE BROWN ONES™ — now with 25% more nepotism! [Editor’s Note: Our sources tell us this product may not be on the market much longer. Choose wisely.]

7. Uncle Ben Carson’s Tacos de Seso

6. Ferguson’s Gelato – You’ll be screaming, “Hands up! Don’t scoop!”

Mas…Pocho Ocho things to eat that are way worse for you than bacon

Pocho Ocho best ways to bait a Chipster (Chicano + hipster) Trap

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hipstertrapIn New Jack City, proactive pranksters have set Hipster Traps to snare unwary hipsters. The NYC traps are baited with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, American Spirit cigarettes, a bike chain and neon-pink Wayfarer sunglasses.

When trapping chipsters (Chicano hipsters), our experts recommend these Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Bait Your Chipster Trap:

8. Suavecito® Pomade and Beard Wax

7. Venti horchata latte, half skim, half leche de cabra, with agave sweetener

6. $60 huaraches from Urban Outfitters

Mas…Pocho Ocho best ways to bait a Chipster (Chicano + hipster) Trap

Pocho Ocho top reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald

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trumpheadroomAfter POCHO’s Dennis Wilen AKA Comic Saenz finally came clean about his history with UPenn classmate Donald Trump, we’ve learned more about the events that turned a Child of the 60s into the bitter meng he is today.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald:

8. Still heartbroken and resentful after the end of a passionate love affair with UPenn boyfriend, Afro-Mexican exchange student Mumia Abu-Fuentes.

7. Childhood backyard “fort” overrun by kids playing “Viet Cong.”

6. Kicked out of Wharton School MEChA for attempted “firing” of Cesar Chavez.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald

Pocho Ocho most amazing facts behind El Chapo’s daring escape

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elchapomugshotThe daring prison escape of Mexican drug lord El Chapo Guzman Saturday has raised many questions. Why Saturday? Who dug the tunnel? How did they do it? How did they hide?

Here are Pocho Ocho Most Amazing Facts Behind El Chapo’s Escape we’ve unearthed so far:

8. Shoutout to Uber de Mexico for the fast pickup!

7. Strategic rest areas every 200 meters stocked with Red Bull and Takis

6. Extra guys at Home Depot got lucky that day

Mas…Pocho Ocho most amazing facts behind El Chapo’s daring escape

Pocho Ocho things Donald Trump wants you to know about Mexicans

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Because he wants to make America great again, GOP presidential nominee wannabe Donald Trump shared some nasty knowledge about Mexican immigrants when he announced his candidacy Tuesday (video).

trumpovercombThey’re rapists, he said, and bring crime and drugs.

But that’s not all! Here are are Pocho Ocho top things Donald Trump also wants you to know about Mexicans:

8. If you rub a Mexican’s tummy just the right way, they’ll wiggle they brown little arms and legs and say “Squee squee squee” but in Mexican of course.

7. Mexican show business is infested with thesbians.

6. Mexicans are so crazy lazy they will take your job.

Mas…Pocho Ocho things Donald Trump wants you to know about Mexicans

Pocho Ocho top premiums for donors to $heriff Joe’s KickStarter

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sheriffjoeoinkMaricopa County Arizona $heriff Joe Arpaio is in big legal trouble and is asking supporters to help.

Arpaio said he doesn’t have the money for attorneys, adding that he feels “targeted” by the immigration rights groups that have sued him to stop what they say are racist policies targeting Latinos, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top premiums for donors to $heriff Joe’s KickStarter

Pocho Ocho changes to expect after Indios + Chinos > Mexicanos

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immigrationscaleChina and India now top Mexico as leading sources of new immigrants to the United Estates, new data reveals.

What are the Pocho Ocho top changes we can expect from these evolving patterns in immigration?

8. Indian actors will replace Puerto Ricans playing Mexicans on TV

7. San Jose, California will be known as Sanjay, California

6. White people will be considered “the model minority”

Mas…Pocho Ocho changes to expect after Indios + Chinos > Mexicanos

Pocho Ocho Important Facts for Mexicans about El Ocho de Mayo

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ochodemayoOur Mexican friends have many misconceptions about today’s American celebration of El Ocho de Mayo. It is NOT the day the British burned the White House, for example, and it is NOT the day Gerry Rivers became Geraldo Rivera.

Help a hermano out with the Pocho Ocho Top Facts Mexicans Should Know about El Ocho de Mayo:

8. Best (Hellman’s in the East) Mayonnaise — El Jefe de Mayo — first introduced on this day in 1915.

7. Mayo West did not invent the life vest but she did flash her chichis to the sailors of the aircraft carrier USS Hooter on this day in 1942.

6. The Mayo Clinic — originally established to seek cures for La Cruda — opened its doors on this day in 1955.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Important Facts for Mexicans about El Ocho de Mayo

La Chata’s Ultimate Pocho Ocho Morrissey Trivia Quiz Questions

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mozquizPOCHO’s free ticket giveaway for the Mexrrissey all-age concert at the Regent Theater in DTLA inspired me to craft this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ultimate Morrissey Trivia Quiz Questions.

Are You Moz Enough to Score 100%?

Do not even think about questioning my Moz Luv. I am on the TSA’s extra special handling list because of Morrissey.

OCHO QUESTIONS AQUI, EIGHT ANSWERS BELOW

Mas…La Chata’s Ultimate Pocho Ocho Morrissey Trivia Quiz Questions

Diamondbacks’ Pocho Ocho top dessert concepts before the Churro Dog

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churrodogYes, they actually went there. Look for a new dessert this season at Chase Field in Phoenix as the National League Arizona Diamondbacks present the “Churro Dog.” Thankfully, no dogs were harmed in the making of this gut-busting, grand-standing heart-stopping dessert.

WTF is a Churro Dog, exactly? ESPN has the story:

The Churro Dog is a warm cinnamon churro sitting inside a Long John chocolate-glazed donut, which is then topped with frozen yogurt, caramel and chocolate sauces. Its estimated calorie count is 1,117.

But the Churro Dog concept wasn’t a random bark in the dark of night, no sir. Many ideas were thrown around the marketing infield, barking up the wrong tree, before the Churro Dog got the front office excited enough to get to third base. And you know what? Here they are — the Diamondback’s Pocho Ocho Top Rejected Dessert Concepts before the Churro Dog:

8. Willie Relleno

7. Negrito Refrito

6. Pink Cotton Candy Taco

Mas…Diamondbacks’ Pocho Ocho top dessert concepts before the Churro Dog

The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

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8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just wasted $14.95 instead of Brachs conversation hearts which are 99 cents.

7. Humidifer: Don’t buy shit just because it’s on sale, unless he or she has severe allergies. Do not let yourself look like a mouth breather.

6. Electric Blanket: I know, I know, I actually got this as a gift on Valentine’s Day. He explained that because he had a Jeep I should take it along when we go out. Shortly after the relationship ended, the blanket ended as well when my niece spilled her Dora the Explorer juice box all over it.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

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tedcruzdonkeyhoteySenator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea.

That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015:

8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children shall encourage incorporation of nutritious roadkill meat, especially racoon. Now yer ‘coon is a touch on the greasy side, not sweet like ‘possum, but if you cook ’em up right, mmmmmmm, racoon!

7. Women banned from buying condoms because it curtails a Man’s Right to Reproduce.

6. Solar energy outlawed because it sucks the light right out of the Sun.

Mas…Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

Pocho Ocho top rules Republicans think you should be able to ignore

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SENATORSCiting the burden of compliance with “big government,” Senator Thom Tills (R-North Carolina) (photo) would let restaurants “opt out” of regulations requiring employees to wash their hands before returning to work.

This isn’t the only rule Tills would eliminate, and he isn’t the only Republican with this opinion. These are the Pocho Ocho top rules the GOP thinks we should ignore:

8. I before E, except after C

7. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself

6. Mind the gap

Mas…Pocho Ocho top rules Republicans think you should be able to ignore

Pocho Ocho top things people blame on El Chupacabra (videos)

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Johnny Depp couldn’t just cop to being a day late to the Japanese press conference. No, this wannabe Tonto had to blame his tardy-ass rudeness on an attack by a cruel and vicious Mexican — El Chupacabra (video, above). And the interpreter and the reporters are all like jajaja WTF but in Japanese. Johnny Depp ≠ Bill Murray in Japan, apparently.

But El Deppo wasn’t the first to blame his own bads on this famous Mexican monster. Here are the Pocho Ocho top things people blame on El Chupacabra:

8. The chupacabra ate my homework … AND MY DOG!

7. Sorry for the mess. A chupacabra went through my dirty clothes hamper and left all my chonies in piles on the floor.

6. But Your Honor! I was just estanding on the corner minding my own business when El Chupacabra ran by and handed me that iPhone 6!

Mas…Pocho Ocho top things people blame on El Chupacabra (videos)

What are America’s Pocho Ocho Top Brownest Jobs?

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whitejobsfThe Atlantic analyzed the stats and guess what!? Some professions in the United Estates are positively teeming with white people — jobs like veterinarian, espeech sangwich pathologist and meelrye (chart excerpt, above).

Hurm, we said, perhaps we can fabricate a similar list of America’s brownest jobs.

“So let it be written, so let it be done!” said Pharoah, another white dude. And we did. Here’s our list of America’s Pocho Ocho Top Brownest Jobs:

8. Piñata Fluffer

7. Chief Cleavage Officer for Spanish Language TV Network News Division

6. Tia Guadalupe Gutierrez Santa Maria de Los Angeles y Zacatecas

Mas…What are America’s Pocho Ocho Top Brownest Jobs?

Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s State of the Union gave us a sad

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barackonDespite the his many significant accomplishments and chingon new proposals, we were disappointed by what President Obama didn’t say at Tuesday night’s State of the Union address.

Here are the Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s SOTU gave us a sad:

8. Still no federal funding for Flying Trocas research.

7. Didn’t announce plan to make Ted Cruz first U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

6. No tax cuts for tamale entrepreneurs, thus no Pedro Herrera III in the audience to give a shout out to.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s State of the Union gave us a sad

Expect these Pocho Ocho surprises in tonight’s State of the Union

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obamabackWashington insiders all know tonight’s State of the Union address — like every one before — will bring a few surprises.

We asked around town, and our peeps say these are the top eight to watch for:

8. First use of the Booger-Cam™ captures candid live video of bored Republicans

7. Warmup act Oprah Winfrey to Congress: “You get a drone…and you get a drone. Everybody gets a drone!”

6. Obama cruises to the Capitol in a clean 1953 Packard limousine, a gift from the people of Cuba

Mas…Expect these Pocho Ocho surprises in tonight’s State of the Union

Pocho Ocho worst Twitter #JeSuisCharlie hashtag fails

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hashtagheatmapSome Twitter users are just unclear on the concept, especially when it comes to the appropriate use of the #JeSuisCharlie hashtag, the most popular ever (“heat map,” above). The viral slogan — coined after the massacre at Paris satire magazine Charlie Hebdo — affirms support of free expression.

French-deficient? “Je suis Charlie” means “I am Charlie.”

The Pochodores combed the Internets for these Pocho Ocho top Twitter #JeSuisCharlie hashtag fails:

8.
vadertweet

Mas…Pocho Ocho worst Twitter #JeSuisCharlie hashtag fails

Pocho Ocho top questions asked before joining a Mexican cartel

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narcobandKids these days know they have options and they want to make smart choices — and not only kids in the United Estates.

These are the Pocho Ocho top questions wannabe gangsters ask before joining a Mexican cartel:

8. Will beheading be on the final exam?

7. Soy vegetariano — is heart-eating mandatory?

6. Do I need to supply my own botas picudas?

Mas…Pocho Ocho top questions asked before joining a Mexican cartel

The Pocho Ocho craziest cosas we found in the Rosca de Reyes

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Rosca-de-reyes-mexToday is Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus.

Check out the Pocho Ocho Craziest Things we found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters:

8. Rosca’s Chicken and Waffles

7. One long black hair

6. Hot new Kanye West musical discovery “Paul McCarthy”

Mas…The Pocho Ocho craziest cosas we found in the Rosca de Reyes

Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday

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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPhone 6 — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday:

8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.

7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.

6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday