Pocho Ñews Service


(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight.

Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists.

“Every time you turn around some crazy young white guy is murdering someone — and these kids are running around in groups together? I don’t think so. Not in my town,” Mayor Juan Lopez told a press conference at City Hall this morning. [Mas…]

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Sign_at_Donald_Trump_rally_2015(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.

Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.

“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”

How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?

Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:

8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.

7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.

6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over.  Bless his sweet heart. [Mas…]

Tip from ex-Facebook friend breaks bad news

(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA) A “Study Abroad” student received some upsetting news last week when she realized nothing around her looked like the Lonely Planet guidebook she was carrying.

Becky Miller, a 21-year old geography major from Louisville, KY, was scheduled to spend three months in San Jose studying Spanish as a student with Veritas University. Her plans are now very much in doubt after she blew most of her savings in central California on San Jose Shark hockey games and visiting the Winchester Mystery Mansion. [Mas…]

fbizombies(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The FBI is warning citizens to be on the lookout for hungry zombies attracted by the brains spewed from the exploding heads of diehard Bernie Bros.

Bernie Sanders supporters’ brains, the Feds said, are piling up on the streets of gentrified neighborhoods across America.

The brainiac explosions followed Sanders’ endorsement of Democratic presidential nomination rival Hillary Clinton this morning.

“These zombies especially love the entitled taste of Bernie Bro brains,” FBI spokesman Whitman “Ken” Jump told a press conference here today (photo). “We’re calling them Zombros.[Mas…]

cookSuegra remains skeptical that he didn’t receive assistance

(PNS reporting from LIBERIA, COSTA RICA) Local man Ramón Sosa Quesada stunned his friends and family Saturday when he single-handedly cooked his own dinner after finding himself home alone with no prepared meal.

Sosa, whose wife goes to choir practice on Saturday evenings, said he felt completely lost when he could only find dry rice and raw platanos in the family’s kitchen. He then fell into complete panic when he tried to order servicio express from A’s Chicken and realized his cell phone was out of saldo and he’d spent his final colones on a 6-pack of Rock Ice Limon.

“Mae, I was really looking forward to some steamy hot A’s in my mouth,” Sosa said. “I tried eating dried pasta, coffee grains, garlic cloves, everything. When I saw an advertisement for Popeye’s Chicken on TV, I collapsed to the floor and wept.” [Mas…]

fathersdaychurchsignFather and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.

Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare. [Mas…]

eslGringo instructor adamant class loves him

(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices.

The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out the survey about their teacher after complaints were filed about the quality of classes he was providing. A big part of the problem, one student explained, was McNutt’s sartorial choices.

“Every five seconds he’s grabbing his Ropa Americana and pants so they don’t fall down,” one student said. “Is it school policy for every teacher to look like a poorly-dressed Mormon missionary?” [Mas…]


Pochos, by definition, can’t speak Espanish. We’re here to help. [Mas…]

Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity

by El Pejibaye Staff May 26, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air. The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.

[Mas…]

In Puebla, MX, narco cartel killers crush French gangsters

by Comic Saenz May 5, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned. The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika […]

[Mas…]

East Los man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

by Comic Saenz May 3, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]

[Mas…]

Breaking Ñews: Did French troops use poison gas in Puebla?

by EDUARDO BURRO May 3, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital. If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by […]

[Mas…]

McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza

by Pejibaye Staff April 14, 2016 El Now
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Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs (PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s […]

[Mas…]

Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com

by Pejibaye Staff March 30, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border.

[Mas…]

Castro defends ‘Blue Rubber Band Man’ as July 4 parade marshall

by Comic Saenz March 29, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from VISALIA, CA) Outgoing Visalia Chamber of Commerce president Adrianna Castro stands behind the selection of her brother, area broccoli farmer and businessman Eddie Reyes, to serve as Grand Marshall for the annual July 4th parade. “Eddie is not only an outstanding, civic-mind citizen,” she told PNS early this morning, “but his blue broccoli […]

[Mas…]

Good Friday particularly disappointing for ambitious Facebook post

by SYDNEY PRESLEY March 25, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA) The clock is ticking for Pope Franciss’ Facebook post, which is 50 AMEN comments short of its 10k goal and the promised resurrection and triumphant return of Jesus Christ. The photo posted by the FB account using the Pontiff’s image has garnered thousands of “likes” and “shares” but was shy of […]

[Mas…]

Around Our Town on St. Paddy’s Day: Where to go, what to do

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR March 17, 2016 Cultura
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LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour. Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all […]

[Mas…]

Costa Rica man freaks out at concept of ‘too much’ Lizano Sauce

by Pejibaye Staff March 9, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from PAVAS, COSTA RICA) Jose Valdez slipped into an existential crisis Tuesday after he spent the majority of his lunch hour at a neighborhood soda staring at his untouched bowl of rice and deeply debating whether he could physically add more Salsa Lizano to his already drenched platter. The crisis began when Valdez, […]

[Mas…]

Mex Ex-Prez Vicente Fox: I have Trump-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome

by Pejibaye Staff March 1, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Former Mexican President Vicente Fox announced Monday that he has a rare disorder known as “Trump Induced Tourette’s Syndrome,” or TITS, in which every time he hears the name or sees an image of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, he involuntarily screams vulgarities and suffers mild convulsions. “The condition was […]

[Mas…]

Donald Trump’s triumph of the will inspires campaign rally (video)

by Comic Saenz February 26, 2016 El Now
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At a torch-lit evening campaign rally, GOP nominee wannabe Donald Trump shows the crowd how to handle those darn Mexicans – handle them LIKE A BOSS! POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK […]

[Mas…]

SPONSORED: Wrap yourself in the legacy of Justice Antonin Scalia

by MATHEW February 15, 2016 El Now
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Antonin Scalia was the King of Judicial Jiggery-Pokery — until he was taken from us at the mean old age of 74. His spirited defense of torture, based on something he saw Jack Bauer do on television’s 24, was truly his finest hour.

[Mas…]

Ted Cruz campaign tracts warn of ‘Satan’s Spiritual Structure’

by Chale Knickerbocker February 4, 2016 Cartoons
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While Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) was telling the crowd “To God be the Glory” [In Arabic, this is “Allahu Akbar”] in his Des Moines, Iowa victory speech Monday night, PNS snagged an example of the tracts campaign aides were passing out to the crowd — tracts detailing the Christian Sharia Law we can expect under […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio is endorsing Donald Trump

by Especial Correspondents January 26, 2016 El Now
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Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times. Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and […]

[Mas…]

Area man links Wall Street sell-off, discovery of new planet

by Comic Saenz January 22, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Falling Wall Street prices and the discovery of a new planet lurking beyond Pluto are two sides of the same coin, area man Alberto “You Can Call Me Al” Alcalde suggested Thursday.

[Mas…]