Pocho Ñews Service

guadaloops Look for Jesu Krispis, Guada Loops and Tade0s on store shelves soon! [Click to enlarge.] [Mas…]

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sparkleturd (PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Local #207 of the Federation of Turd Polishers (FTP) has chosen “The Mainstream Media” as the recipient of their 2016 Golden Dookie Award, PNS has learned.

The union will cite the news media’s whitewashing of Donald Trump’s hate, xenophobia, racial prejudice, misogyny, lies, bullying, sexual assault, fraud, and foreign entanglements as “the new normal.”

“They polished the shit right off of that turd,” one FTP official told PNS. [Mas…]

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bluecover(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned.

Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President Bill Clinton, rehearsing, and recording with his band. His first CD — Barry Blows the Blues — will drop January 21, the day after Donald Trump’s inauguration.

Sources tell us these are the Pocho Ocho Top Tunes — recorded in “Living Stereo” — featured on Barry Blows the Blues:

8. Yes, I Kenya

7. Livin’ in a Cracker’s Paradise

6. Michelle [Mas…]

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newnastynews(PNS reporting from the ALT YORK CITY, ALT YORK) The Wednesday issue of the local “Alt-Right” newspaper — The Putin Press & Patriot — was prepared to report a Hillary Clinton’s election victory as an “attack” on America, PNS has learned (photo.) [Editor’s Note: A “newspaper” is an pre-Millennial period analog instantiation of intellectual property — i.e. “content” — fixed on a physical medium comprised of a data-carrying chemical reagent and processed dead trees.]

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.” [Mas…]

throwbackthursday(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Friends and neighbors of Daniel Cardenas are frantically texting each other this morning after his ex-girlfriend Flora Moreno noticed the 28-year-old regional insurance manager didn’t share a new TGIF meme on his Facebook, something he had done weekly since 2010.

“He’s usually reliable as clockwork,” Moreno noted in a group chat. “He posts something cynical about the work week on Mondays, taco memes on Tuesdays, ‘hump day’ jokes on Wednesdays, some retro shit on Throwback Thursdays, and every Friday, a new Thank God It’s Friday pic.”

The fact that Thursday’s #TBT cover photo (above) remained on Cardenas’ FB wall as of 6 AM PDT Friday morning scared her, she said. [Mas…]

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Pianist Shep Devereaux

by MEZCAL WORTHINGTON September 28, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. Hollywood, Dec. 23, 1958. Singing cowboy Gene Autry‘s Challenge Records signed hard-drinking rockabilly singer/piano-player Shep Devereaux to produce four sides. Devereaux, originally from New Orleans, booked the Flores Trio (Danny […]

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: The Honorable Jed Bartlet

by HOWARD ZUNI September 27, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. When a liberal Supreme Court justice retired in 1998, Pres. Jed Bartlet and his staff thought this was the perfect opportunity to increase approval ratings with a politically “safe” nominee, […]

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Donald Trump makes cover of Penn alumni magazine (photo)

by Comic Saenz September 22, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Donald Trump, Wharton School Class of 1968, is the new cover boy of a University of Pennsylvania alumni magazine mailed today to Penn grads across the country.

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Berkowitz the tailor

by Comic Saenz September 20, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. In 1978, a young Chicano actor from Montebello, CA went to tailor Yossi F. Berkowitz to try on a new suit custom-made for his starring role in a Los Angeles […]

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Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017

by Especial Correspondents September 16, 2016 Cultura
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“Hispanic” Heritage Month, the officially-approved celebration of Latinx and their contributions to the United Estates of America, started Thursday. Donald Trump’s GOP has proposed their own list of praise-worthy Hispanix for next year’s fiesta — assuming Trump wins — and POCHO has gotten a sneak peek at their nominations. Peep this Mexclusive list of the […]

[Mas…]

City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

by María Purísima August 23, 2016 Cartoons
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(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight. Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists. “Every time you […]

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Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

by Comic Saenz July 18, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests. Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist. “If the […]

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‘Study Abroad’ gringa is slow to realize she’s really in Califas

by Pejibaye Staff July 15, 2016 El Now

Tip from ex-Facebook friend breaks bad news (PNS reporting from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA) A “Study Abroad” student received some upsetting news last week when she realized nothing around her looked like the Lonely Planet guidebook she was carrying. Becky Miller, a 21-year old geography major from Louisville, KY, was scheduled to spend three months in […]

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BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert

by Comic Saenz July 12, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The FBI is warning citizens to be on the lookout for hungry zombies attracted by the brains spewed from the exploding heads of diehard Bernie Bros. Bernie Sanders supporters’ brains, the Feds said, are piling up on the streets of gentrified neighborhoods across America. The brainiac explosions followed Sanders’ endorsement […]

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Costa Rican man miraculously cooks own dinner

by Pejibaye Staff June 22, 2016 El Now
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Suegra remains skeptical that he didn’t receive assistance (PNS reporting from LIBERIA, COSTA RICA) Local man Ramón Sosa Quesada stunned his friends and family Saturday when he single-handedly cooked his own dinner after finding himself home alone with no prepared meal. Sosa, whose wife goes to choir practice on Saturday evenings, said he felt completely […]

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Around Our Town: Puro Party Picks for Father’s Day Weekend 2016

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR June 17, 2016 Cultura
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Father and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon. Bronche: […]

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Student survey results: ‘Gringo ESL teacher is an ignorant slob’

by Pejibaye Staff June 2, 2016 Cultura
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Gringo instructor adamant class loves him (PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices. The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out […]

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Pronunciation for pochos: Cotija, tomatillo, huarache, taqueria

by ROSETTA ESTONE May 31, 2016 Cultura
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Pochos, by definition, can’t speak Espanish. We’re here to help.

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Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity

by El Pejibaye Staff May 26, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air. The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.

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In Puebla, MX, narco cartel killers crush French gangsters

by Comic Saenz May 5, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned. The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika […]

[Mas…]

East Los man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

by Comic Saenz May 3, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]

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Breaking Ñews: Did French troops use poison gas in Puebla?

by EDUARDO BURRO May 3, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital. If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by […]

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McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza

by Pejibaye Staff April 14, 2016 El Now
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Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs (PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s […]

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