Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from HUNTINGTON BEACH) Area sales manager Rick Miller is happy to share his new-found Spanish vocabulary with co-workers, buds from the office disclosed Tuesday.

Miller (photo), who explained that he went to a barbecue Sunday over at his new Mexican-American neighbors’ house, informed early arrivals at yesterday’s quarterly sales meeting that a limon is actually what we call a lime in English, and lemons are limas in Spanish. [Mas…]

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(PNS reporting from LATIN AMERICA) Millions of Latin Americans are on vacation this week to celebrate Semana Santa, a festival to commemorate the desecration of the region’s native cultures and the Spaniards’ forceful imposition of Catholicism through celestial acts such as rape, pillage and genocide.

Holy Week, where children are off school and adults binge drink, gives Latin Americans time to reflect upon Jesus Christ’s selfless sacrifice for humanity, despite the fact that 500 years earlier no one on this side of the world had heard of him and worshiped far cooler Gods of the sun, rain and maize. Catholic cathedrals across the region are certain to be packed with Aztec, Mayan and Inca descendants, all to give thanks and praise to a merciful God coerced into their societies by armed, greed-fueled colonialists spreading the heavenly message of El Espíritu Santo. [Mas…]

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Mexico’s senate approved a bill yesterday to build a wall around the tourist mecca of Cancun to discourage the flood of vacuous drunken junior college troglodytes that descend upon the city’s pristine beaches every “Spring Break.”

“When America sends its people, they’re not sending their best…Stop me if you’ve heard this before,” Senator Enrique LaRaza said in his speech prior to the approval vote.

“They’re sending people with Chinese symbol tattoos, and they’re getting even more regrettable tattoos here. They’re bringing spray tans. Bleach tips. They’re bringing two years of obligatory foreign language Spanish. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, go to four-year universities.” [Mas…]

Latinos pissed, aggressively emphasize America not a country

(PNS reporting from MANHATTAN) For years, Latinos have insisted that they are also “Americans.” Now, U.S. President Donald Trump plans to fine them each time they use the term.

Latin-Americans have well-known fury from being excluded from the “American” membership. Each time a U.S. citizen identifies as American, the resulting argument is more intense than deciding which abuela makes the best tamales. [Mas…]

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, R-Wis., revealed the GOP’s proposed Obamacare replacement Tuesday.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

POTUS and FLOTUS in secret meetup with top GOP leader (GIF)

by Comic Saenz January 23, 2017 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Donald Trump and FLOTUS Melania Trump made an unannounced 3 AM excursion to the National Mall to seek the blessing of revered former Republican President Abraham Lincoln, according to a photo released by the White House this Monday morning.

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America pauses Monday for Ricky Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2017

by Comic Saenz January 15, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever. Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie […]

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Russia is sending their best: Trololo Guy to sing at inauguration (video)

by Soy Capitan January 13, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from Москва) Stepping in to fill an entertainment lineup devoid of anyone artistic, famous, or beloved, Donald Trump backer Vladimir Putin is sending his country’s top singer to perform at next week’s Inauguration Ball.

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Chipotle to sell cannabis in California, Colorado, Oregon

by Comic Saenz January 9, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from DENVER) Chipotle Mexican Grill is planning to introduce cannabis-based comida in California, Colorado and Oregon later this year, PNS has learned. The decision follows recreational marijuana’s legalization in the Golden State, which now joins its two neighbors on America’s High Frontier. The new vegan/vegetarian product — dubbed Mota Al Pastor — will […]

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Breaking: Kellogg’s debuts new Christmas cereals for Latinos

by JEFE BOYARDEE November 25, 2016 Cartoons
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Look for Jesu Krispis, Guada Loops and Tade0s on store shelves soon! [Click to enlarge.]

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FTP Local #207 taps ‘Mainstream Media’ for 2016 Golden Dookie Award

by Barney Asada November 21, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Local #207 of the Federation of Turd Polishers (FTP) has chosen “The Mainstream Media” as the recipient of their 2016 Golden Dookie Award, PNS has learned. The union will cite the news media’s whitewashing of Donald Trump’s hate, xenophobia, racial prejudice, misogyny, lies, bullying, sexual assault, fraud, and foreign entanglements […]

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Pocho Ocho Top Tunes on Obama’s forthcoming jazz CD

by Especial Correspondents November 17, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned. Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President […]

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Never-published ‘Alt-Right’ tabloid front page called HRC win an ‘attack’

by Comic Saenz November 9, 2016 Cartoons
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(PNS reporting from the ALT YORK CITY, ALT YORK) The Wednesday issue of the local “Alt-Right” newspaper — The Putin Press & Patriot — was prepared to report a Hillary Clinton’s election victory as an “attack” on America, PNS has learned (photo.) [Editor’s Note: A “newspaper” is an pre-Millennial period analog instantiation of intellectual property […]

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Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

by María Purísima October 6, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances. “Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of […]

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BREAKING: Pals fret as local man fails to thank God it’s Friday

by Comic Saenz September 30, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Friends and neighbors of Daniel Cardenas are frantically texting each other this morning after his ex-girlfriend Flora Moreno noticed the 28-year-old regional insurance manager didn’t share a new TGIF meme on his Facebook, something he had done weekly since 2010. “He’s usually reliable as clockwork,” Moreno noted in a group chat. […]

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Pianist Shep Devereaux

by MEZCAL WORTHINGTON September 28, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. Hollywood, Dec. 23, 1958. Singing cowboy Gene Autry‘s Challenge Records signed hard-drinking rockabilly singer/piano-player Shep Devereaux to produce four sides. Devereaux, originally from New Orleans, booked the Flores Trio (Danny […]

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: The Honorable Jed Bartlet

by HOWARD ZUNI September 27, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. When a liberal Supreme Court justice retired in 1998, Pres. Jed Bartlet and his staff thought this was the perfect opportunity to increase approval ratings with a politically “safe” nominee, […]

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Donald Trump makes cover of Penn alumni magazine (photo)

by Comic Saenz September 22, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Donald Trump, Wharton School Class of 1968, is the new cover boy of a University of Pennsylvania alumni magazine mailed today to Penn grads across the country.

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Berkowitz the tailor

by Comic Saenz September 20, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. In 1978, a young Chicano actor from Montebello, CA went to tailor Yossi F. Berkowitz to try on a new suit custom-made for his starring role in a Los Angeles […]

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Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017

by Especial Correspondents September 16, 2016 Cultura
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“Hispanic” Heritage Month, the officially-approved celebration of Latinx and their contributions to the United Estates of America, started Thursday. Donald Trump’s GOP has proposed their own list of praise-worthy Hispanix for next year’s fiesta — assuming Trump wins — and POCHO has gotten a sneak peek at their nominations. Peep this Mexclusive list of the […]

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City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

by María Purísima August 23, 2016 Cartoons
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(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight. Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists. “Every time you […]

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Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

by Comic Saenz July 18, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests. Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist. “If the […]

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‘Study Abroad’ gringa is slow to realize she’s really in Califas

by Pejibaye Staff July 15, 2016 El Now

Tip from ex-Facebook friend breaks bad news (PNS reporting from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA) A “Study Abroad” student received some upsetting news last week when she realized nothing around her looked like the Lonely Planet guidebook she was carrying. Becky Miller, a 21-year old geography major from Louisville, KY, was scheduled to spend three months in […]

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