(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.
Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.
“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”
How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?
Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:
8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.
7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.
6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over. Bless his sweet heart. [Mas…]
(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA) A “Study Abroad” student received some upsetting news last week when she realized nothing around her looked like the Lonely Planet guidebook she was carrying.
Becky Miller, a 21-year old geography major from Louisville, KY, was scheduled to spend three months in San Jose studying Spanish as a student with Veritas University. Her plans are now very much in doubt after she blew most of her savings in central California on San Jose Shark hockey games and visiting the Winchester Mystery Mansion. [Mas…]
Suegra remains skeptical that he didn’t receive assistance
(PNS reporting from LIBERIA, COSTA RICA) Local man Ramón Sosa Quesada stunned his friends and family Saturday when he single-handedly cooked his own dinner after finding himself home alone with no prepared meal.
Sosa, whose wife goes to choir practice on Saturday evenings, said he felt completely lost when he could only find dry rice and raw platanos in the family’s kitchen. He then fell into complete panic when he tried to order servicio express from A’s Chicken and realized his cell phone was out of saldo and he’d spent his final colones on a 6-pack of Rock Ice Limon.
“Mae, I was really looking forward to some steamy hot A’s in my mouth,” Sosa said. “I tried eating dried pasta, coffee grains, garlic cloves, everything. When I saw an advertisement for Popeye’s Chicken on TV, I collapsed to the floor and wept.” [Mas…]
Father and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.
Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare. [Mas…]
(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices.
The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out the survey about their teacher after complaints were filed about the quality of classes he was providing. A big part of the problem, one student explained, was McNutt’s sartorial choices.
“Every five seconds he’s grabbing his Ropa Americana and pants so they don’t fall down,” one student said. “Is it school policy for every teacher to look like a poorly-dressed Mormon missionary?” [Mas…]
(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air.
The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash. [Mas…]
(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned. The Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika […]
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital. If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by […]
Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs (PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s […]
(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border.
(PNS reporting from VISALIA, CA) Outgoing Visalia Chamber of Commerce president Adrianna Castro stands behind the selection of her brother, area broccoli farmer and businessman Eddie Reyes, to serve as Grand Marshall for the annual July 4th parade. “Eddie is not only an outstanding, civic-mind citizen,” she told PNS early this morning, “but his blue broccoli […]
(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA) The clock is ticking for Pope Franciss’ Facebook post, which is 50 AMEN comments short of its 10k goal and the promised resurrection and triumphant return of Jesus Christ. The photo posted by the FB account using the Pontiff’s image has garnered thousands of “likes” and “shares” but was shy of […]
LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour. Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all […]
(PNS reporting from PAVAS, COSTA RICA) Jose Valdez slipped into an existential crisis Tuesday after he spent the majority of his lunch hour at a neighborhood soda staring at his untouched bowl of rice and deeply debating whether he could physically add more Salsa Lizano to his already drenched platter. The crisis began when Valdez, […]
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Former Mexican President Vicente Fox announced Monday that he has a rare disorder known as “Trump Induced Tourette’s Syndrome,” or TITS, in which every time he hears the name or sees an image of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, he involuntarily screams vulgarities and suffers mild convulsions. “The condition was […]
At a torch-lit evening campaign rally, GOP nominee wannabe Donald Trump shows the crowd how to handle those darn Mexicans – handle them LIKE A BOSS! POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK […]
Antonin Scalia was the King of Judicial Jiggery-Pokery — until he was taken from us at the mean old age of 74. His spirited defense of torture, based on something he saw Jack Bauer do on television’s 24, was truly his finest hour.
While Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) was telling the crowd “To God be the Glory” [In Arabic, this is “Allahu Akbar”] in his Des Moines, Iowa victory speech Monday night, PNS snagged an example of the tracts campaign aides were passing out to the crowd — tracts detailing the Christian Sharia Law we can expect under […]
Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times. Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and […]
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Falling Wall Street prices and the discovery of a new planet lurking beyond Pluto are two sides of the same coin, area man Alberto “You Can Call Me Al” Alcalde suggested Thursday.
Dear Mama Grizzly: Tonight will be like no other. Tonight, The Donald welcomes you into his Trump Towers penthouse. This is a place you have been before, but those nights have been for seduction and romance. Tonight is different. Tonight is about love. Tonight, you will be my everything.