Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from VISALIA, CA) Outgoing Visalia Chamber of Commerce president Adrianna Castro stands behind the selection of her brother, area broccoli farmer and businessman Eddie Reyes, as Grand Marshall for today’s annual July 4th parade.

“Eddie is not only an outstanding, civic-mind citizen,” she told PNS early this morning, “but his blue broccoli rubber bands put our Central Valley city on the world map!”

Castro announced the selection of Reyes (family photo, right) at the closed-door meeting Monday night, her last meeting as president of the group. Her term expires at the end of the month.

After the announcement, incoming president Tony Santamaria jumped up and called her choice “nepotism” and had to be “calmed down,” according to Chamber members at the meeting who contacted PNS.

“Eddie is more than just my big brother,” Castro explained. “He was a man with a plan Panama!” [Mas…]

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fathersdaychurchsignFather and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.

Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from PALOS VERDES, CA) Beloved aquatic family member Goldie Han Solo was remembered for her cheerful demeanor and active lifestyle at a tearful funeral ceremony in the Solo family’s back yard here Tuesday.

Goldie, believed to be four years old (photo), apparently died of asphyxiation and/or dehydration after she leaped from her fishbowl Monday night around 11:37 PM. That’s when a small earthquake (3.5 Richter) shook this suburban Los Angeles community, according to the U.S. Geological Service.

Her teeny, shiny body was discovered on the floor of Reyna Solo’s bedroom at 7 AM Tuesday by family member Gilda Solis-Chihuahua Solo, who awakened 8-year-old Reyna with loud whimpering and assertive licking. Reyna and Gilda, a Canine-American, had both slept through the temblor; Goldie, not so much.

Reyna attempted mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but Goldie was already stiff and dry, swimming in that fish pond in the sky. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias (photo) astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!” [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from the EEUU) Tex-Mex restaurants across the country are banding together this week to ensure the flawed traditions of margaritas, sombreros, maracas, bastardized Mexican food and overall cultural cluelessness are again propagated upon masses of uninformed Americans this Cinco De Mayo. [Mas…]


(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Top officials in the Intelligence Community have confirmed to PNS that the shocking video just released by the whistleblowers at HowToProunce.orgHow to Pronounce “Taco” — is totally legit and is only the first of many shockers to come. Check back here for further developments as we follow up on this breaking story.

PREVIOUSLY ON HOW TO PRONOUNCE: [Mas…]

Area man happy to share new Spanish tips with co-workers

by Comic Saenz April 26, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HUNTINGTON BEACH) Area sales manager Rick Miller is happy to share his new-found Spanish vocabulary with co-workers, buds from the office disclosed Tuesday. Miller (photo), who explained that he went to a barbecue Sunday over at his new Mexican-American neighbors’ house, informed early arrivals at yesterday’s quarterly sales meeting that a limon […]

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Latinos take week off to celebrate Catholicism’s cultural rape

by EL PEJIBAYE STAFF April 13, 2017 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LATIN AMERICA) Millions of Latin Americans are on vacation this week to celebrate Semana Santa, a festival to commemorate the desecration of the region’s native cultures and the Spaniards’ forceful imposition of Catholicism through celestial acts such as rape, pillage and genocide. Holy Week, where children are off school and adults binge […]

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Mexico to build Cancun wall to keep out ‘Spring Breakers’

by Pejibaye Staff March 27, 2017 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Mexico’s senate approved a bill yesterday to build a wall around the tourist mecca of Cancun to discourage the flood of vacuous drunken junior college troglodytes that descend upon the city’s pristine beaches every “Spring Break.” “When America sends its people, they’re not sending their best…Stop me if you’ve heard this […]

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Trump proposes fines for Latinos who say they’re ‘American’

by Pejibaye Staff March 24, 2017 El Now
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Latinos pissed, aggressively emphasize America not a country (PNS reporting from MANHATTAN) For years, Latinos have insisted that they are also “Americans.” Now, U.S. President Donald Trump plans to fine them each time they use the term. Latin-Americans have well-known fury from being excluded from the “American” membership. Each time a U.S. citizen identifies as […]

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Neighborhood Guatch: Where to go, what to do on St. Patick’s Day

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR March 17, 2017 Cultura
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LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour. Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all […]

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House Speaker Paul Ryan reveals GOP’s health care plan (photo)

by Lalo Alcaraz March 8, 2017 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, R-Wis., revealed the GOP’s proposed Obamacare replacement Tuesday. POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

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POTUS and FLOTUS in secret meetup with top GOP leader (GIF)

by Comic Saenz January 23, 2017 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Donald Trump and FLOTUS Melania Trump made an unannounced 3 AM excursion to the National Mall to seek the blessing of revered former Republican President Abraham Lincoln, according to a photo released by the White House this Monday morning.

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America pauses Monday for Ricky Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2017

by Comic Saenz January 15, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever. Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie […]

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Russia is sending their best: Trololo Guy to sing at inauguration (video)

by Soy Capitan January 13, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from Москва) Stepping in to fill an entertainment lineup devoid of anyone artistic, famous, or beloved, Donald Trump backer Vladimir Putin is sending his country’s top singer to perform at next week’s Inauguration Ball.

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Chipotle to sell cannabis in California, Colorado, Oregon

by Comic Saenz January 9, 2017 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from DENVER) Chipotle Mexican Grill is planning to introduce cannabis-based comida in California, Colorado and Oregon later this year, PNS has learned. The decision follows recreational marijuana’s legalization in the Golden State, which now joins its two neighbors on America’s High Frontier. The new vegan/vegetarian product — dubbed Mota Al Pastor — will […]

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Breaking: Kellogg’s debuts new Christmas cereals for Latinos

by JEFE BOYARDEE November 25, 2016 Cartoons
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Look for Jesu Krispis, Guada Loops and Tade0s on store shelves soon! [Click to enlarge.]

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FTP Local #207 taps ‘Mainstream Media’ for 2016 Golden Dookie Award

by Barney Asada November 21, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Local #207 of the Federation of Turd Polishers (FTP) has chosen “The Mainstream Media” as the recipient of their 2016 Golden Dookie Award, PNS has learned. The union will cite the news media’s whitewashing of Donald Trump’s hate, xenophobia, racial prejudice, misogyny, lies, bullying, sexual assault, fraud, and foreign entanglements […]

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Pocho Ocho Top Tunes on Obama’s forthcoming jazz CD

by Especial Correspondents November 17, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned. Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President […]

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Never-published ‘Alt-Right’ tabloid front page called HRC win an ‘attack’

by Comic Saenz November 9, 2016 Cartoons
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(PNS reporting from the ALT YORK CITY, ALT YORK) The Wednesday issue of the local “Alt-Right” newspaper — The Putin Press & Patriot — was prepared to report a Hillary Clinton’s election victory as an “attack” on America, PNS has learned (photo.) [Editor’s Note: A “newspaper” is an pre-Millennial period analog instantiation of intellectual property […]

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Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

by María Purísima October 6, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances. “Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of […]

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BREAKING: Pals fret as local man fails to thank God it’s Friday

by Comic Saenz September 30, 2016 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Friends and neighbors of Daniel Cardenas are frantically texting each other this morning after his ex-girlfriend Flora Moreno noticed the 28-year-old regional insurance manager didn’t share a new TGIF meme on his Facebook, something he had done weekly since 2010. “He’s usually reliable as clockwork,” Moreno noted in a group chat. […]

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Pianist Shep Devereaux

by MEZCAL WORTHINGTON September 28, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. Hollywood, Dec. 23, 1958. Singing cowboy Gene Autry‘s Challenge Records signed hard-drinking rockabilly singer/piano-player Shep Devereaux to produce four sides. Devereaux, originally from New Orleans, booked the Flores Trio (Danny […]

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: The Honorable Jed Bartlet

by HOWARD ZUNI September 27, 2016 Cultura
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They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH. When a liberal Supreme Court justice retired in 1998, Pres. Jed Bartlet and his staff thought this was the perfect opportunity to increase approval ratings with a politically “safe” nominee, […]

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