City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

by María Purísima on August 23, 2016 in Cartoons, El Now, Pocho Ñews Service, Video


(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight.

Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists.

“Every time you turn around some crazy young white guy is murdering someone — and these kids are running around in groups together? I don’t think so. Not in my town,” Mayor Juan Lopez told a press conference at City Hall this morning.

“We’re a good community, we don’t have any problems here, and we don’t need any problems. If we’ve learned anything from Columbine, Sandy Hook, Aurora, or any of those needless massacres, it’s that encouraging young white men’s tribalistic behavior is a public safety risk.”

Local officials have cited “threats to public safety” received via email and spotted on social media to justify the move despite critcism from activists like local player Ernesto Garza. Garza told PNS he thought the city’s move was an overreaction.

“Look, all we want to do is play Pokémon, that’s it,” said Garza, who has green eyes and light brown hair, and is lovingly called El Güero by his family.

“I get why people are scared and stuff, but it’s not right. I shouldn’t be punished for being a güero just because there are a few crazy bros out there who want to terrorize people every time they can’t get a date or take a leak at a closed gas station or whatevers.”

Since the ban was signed last week, the mayor said, there have been new death threats, bomb threats, and additional “nonsense.”

“If anything, this proves my point,” he told PNS. “We’re standing our ground.”

White critics have termed the prohibition “racist.”

Santa Chanclans who live in the exclusive hillside neighborhood of Santa Blanca don’t think an entire group of people sould be treated differently based on what just a few outliers have done.

“How can you say all white men are a threat when it’s just a few guys? That makes no sense and it’s not fair,” said Brian Conner, a competitive Pokémon Go player from Santa Blanca.

“It’s un-American, unjust and just racist to judge one group on the actions of a few, hold those actions over them over time, and ignore any facts to the contrary,” he said.

“PokeLivesMatter, OK? Hashtag.”

María Cano, a local Latina nerd and mother of two teenagers, said she could see all sides of the issue.

“Honestly, I was glad my kids were out walking instead of sitting in front of the TV. But I’m also scared that they will be victims of one of these crazy, entitled white guys who goes crazy every now and then with a gun just because he feels better than everyone,” she told PNS.

“Those vatos are just plain loco.”

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

 

PREVIOUSLY ON POKÉMON GO:

The rarest Pokémon of them all: The elusive Pikacholo

lalopikacholo

Previous post:

Next post: