Clean sweep: Santorum not pooped out yet

by Lalo Alcaraz on February 8, 2012 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from THE HEARTLAND) Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum swept the nominating contests in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado Tuesday night, claiming, “My campaign is far from pooped out.”

The fiercest gay-baiting candidate in recent history, Santorum now has four victories under his belt in the GOP race, more than any other closeted candidate. “People were saying all along I had Big Mo, but they meant I was a big ‘mo.”

Speaking from his Missouri campaign headquarters, Santorum looked ahead to the fall election:

I don’t stand here wanting to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. I want to be the man who loses badly to Barack Obama. Gay sex is bad. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

Santorum said that during the nominating contest, “Gov. Romney’s best attribute is his good hair and his stunning good looks, uh, never mind.”

Republicans need a candidate who can make “sharp contrasts” with the president’s skin tone, he added.

Mitt Romney brushed off the losses, saying, “I will write off the huge expenditures on ads and campaign workers and come in later and buy some local businesses and sell them off and fire all the working class people who didn’t vote for me. That and some tax breaks for the super rich should get me their support in the fall.”

“This was a good night for Rick Santorum,” Romney said Tuesday night in Denver. “But I expect to become our nominee with the help of Mormentum.”

Rep. Ron Paul (D-TX) didn’t really campaign, but simply handed out newsletters he swears he didn’t write.

Ex-House Speaker Newt Gingrich was in Ohio on Tuesday night, preparing for March 6 “Super Tuesday” by drawing plans for his moon base and his latest idea, a Fortress of Solitude.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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