Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity

by El Pejibaye Staff on May 26, 2016 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service, Video


(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air.

The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.

“Though citizens of San José may be OK with that amount of filth, the rest of us are not,” Nestor Santa Maria of the Volcanic and Seismologic Observatory of Costa Rica (OVSICORI) told PNS. The volcanic activity, he said, can be lessened only by appeasing the mountain’s ruthless fire god via human sacrifice.

“It doesn’t take a volcanologist to see that Jacawitz is angry.”

After consulting the stars and entrails of a pizote, a suitable sacrificial victim was chosen, but Santa Maria told el Peji that the offering is not being cooperative.

mae1Wilbur Hernández, Costa Rica’s designated sacrifice (photo), has repeatedly refused to cast himself into the crater. Wilbur said that he would be more than willing to give his life to save Tiquicia, but insists that he is “totally not a virgin, mae”.

This report via Pocho Ñews Service PNS Partners El Pejibaye. All rights reserved.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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