Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

by Dear Abuelita on June 20, 2012 in Cultura, Dear Abuelita

Yo, Abeuelita, sup?
In my wayward youth I was a gangbanger and have the bullet wounds, knife scars and tats to prove it. But those days are over and I’m now a legally-employed husband and dad with two kids.

The shorties are getting big enough to where they will soon begin to ask me questions about these things and I don’t know what exactly to say. What did you tell your kids about your tattoos and bullet wounds (if you have any?)
Signed: X Loco 

Dear X Loco,
Thank your lucky estrella tattoos I didn’t know you as a gangbanger chavalon otherwise you’d have a lot more wounds to explain. Don’t worry, I’m not going to smack you across the coco with an Abuelita Reality Chancla for anything you’ve done in the past. It appears you’ve had your share of hard knocks as it is.

Kids aren’t stupid, eventually they will dig up some old MySpace page with photos of you and your homies showing off your bullet wounds and tattoos.

For now you can tell them your family was so pobre they couldn’t afford to buy board games, so when it came time to play “Operation” you always got picked to be the patient.
Con safos,Your Abuelita

Dear Abuelita:
My viejo’s snoring is becoming a big problem. He snores so loud and so long I can’t sleep and I have to get out of bed and try to catch some ZZZZZs on the couch. This doesn’t seem fair to me. He’s the one that’s causing the trouble and HE should sleep on the couch, dammit! But he doesn’t even know he’s snoring, he sleeps like a log and he drools, too. Big slimy mess-up-the-pillow drools. What can I do? What should I do? (Two different questions, probably.)
Signed, Sleepless in Simi

Dear Simi sin mimis,
There’s only one surefire solution for a problema like this so I hope you don’t mind sharing a jail cell with a broomstick holding bull dyke. Take that sucio saliva coated pillow and place it over your viejo’s head. Apply plenty of pressure until the snoring and drooling stop. Problem solved.

If that’s not an option then try slipping Viagra in your viejo’s nightcap. It may not stop his snoring but at least you’ll be too worn out from all the mad sex that you won’t even notice the drooling baboso next to you in bed.
Con compassion, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
So I went to my regular organic herbal medicine store for my totally legal doctor-recommended remedy and was waited on by an attractive woman I had never seen there before. I scoped her out a little, too (blue-gray eyes, no wedding ring.) After she filled up the baggie, she asked me what I was doing later (it was near closing time.) I replied, truthfully, that I was going home because I was in the middle of working on a project. I asked her name and she told me.

Then she asked me what I did and I answered and gave her my company business card (she had my DL in her hand.) I realized later (I am so dumb sometimes!) that she probably was hitting on me. Why else would she ask?

I hoped she would call or email but she hasn’t so far, so I stopped by the dispensary yesterday and got one of the kids behind the counter to reveal she works weekends. Am I crazy to go by the place on Saturday and chat her up?

Maybe she used my name and email to Google me and I somehow failed her test? What to do?
High and Dry, Marley Mota

Dear Marley Motormouth,
Hijole, could you have made this short story any longer? If this pregunta is any real indication of your personality I can only imagine how you run on and on and on in person. No wonder this chica hides when shes see you coming.

Maybe if you stopped talking for a moment you would have given the blue-gray-eyed-no-wedding-ring-wearing dispensary counter worker a chance to explain herself. She could have innocently wanted to find out where you were going so she can have someone cut off that flapping lengua of yours.

BTW, isn’t mota supposed to make people mellow? Where is this organic herbal medicine store anyway? I think I need to make a visit to remedy the headache you gave me.
Ya me canse, Tu Abuelita


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Laura Q June 20, 2012 at 1:01 PM


Occam Razorfish June 20, 2012 at 4:23 PM

I don’t thank Manley Mota is really his name.

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