Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

by Dear Abuelita on March 28, 2012 in Cultura, Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita:
I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not?
Crazy with Celibacy

Dear Crazy with Celibacy:
Ever hear of “something old, something new, something borrowed and some things are turning blue?” Listen, loco, there is only one sign you should be looking for and it’s an EXIT sign. Head for the hills, better yet, head to where buffalo girls roam and don’t come home until you’ve got your color back. That is unless…

That is unless you’re willing to spend $30,000+ on a scam wedding only to find out your new bride’s virginity is the size of a cherried out ‘62 Impala’s back seat (which is probably where she lost her virginity in the first place.)

Dear Abuelita:
I have a big problem. I am a pretty attractive woman in my 30s. I am currently dating two guys (don’t judge.) One is incredibly wealthy but not very attractive. The other guy is incredibly hot but piss poor.

What should I do?
Rich and Ugly or Hot and Poor

Dear Rich and Ugly or Hot and Poor:
Don’t you know by now that it’s not the size of a man’s wallet that matters it’s how he uses it as a brace to keep the kitchen table from falling over when he’s rocking your world?

I can’t be bothered with your, “I’m pretty…I’m in my 30s…I’ve got two men and I don’t know what to do” business.

Do you have any idea how many man-deprived women there are out here because of greedy two-timing gold diggers like you?

Come back to me when you have a real problem like when you walk in on your two men doing a porn remake of Rich Man Poor Man.

I should fling a chancla at you for wasting my time!
Love, Your Abuelita

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{ 5 comments }

Las Tres Marias March 28, 2012 at 11:26 AM

Disappointing you can’t be more creative instead of playing on some tired tropes.

ChingaDOH! March 28, 2012 at 6:08 PM

Totally disagree. I think it’s awesome. I’m sick of the politically correct answers that every advice person gives. Sometimes you have to cut right to the bone. Gracias Abuelita.

Mariaeu March 30, 2012 at 6:45 PM

Es una columna bien cómica. Gracias abuelita for saying it like it is, not like Latina magazine

mari April 2, 2012 at 1:11 PM

Dear abuelita, love your coments and I wanted to let you know your amazing lol thank you for your wise words and keep with your work ….

Rana April 2, 2012 at 1:20 PM

I’m sure you’ll expand into some weirder territory, mijo

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