Dear Abuelita: Is she faithful, his dirty hands, to poke or not to poke

by Dear Abuelita on August 22, 2012 in Cultura, Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
How can I know if my GF has no boyfriend other than me?
Signed, To be honest

Dear To Be or Not To Be,
What kind of pregunta is this, do you think I’m a Magic 8 Ball? I may not be able to give the answer but I can give you a few tips to find out for yourself.

You can volunteer to do her laundry and then do a scratch-and-sniff with her calzones to see if you detect the aroma of another vato. If that doesn’t work then you can buy a wig and fake bigote then get a rental car and do a sancho stakeout in front of her place.

If you have to ask if your GF has another boyfriend then you have no business being in a relationship. Grow up!
No mames guey, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
Mi novio came by my house the other day and asked to use the bathroom. I could hear him drain his lizard, but afterwards I did not hear him wash his hands (we have very thin walls; frijole night is the worst.) I think I should break up with him but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. What should I do?
Signed, No holding hands

Dear Manos Arriba,
Who are you dating, Dirty Sanchez himself?

I wonder if the germaphobe in you comes out when you two are eating out. In other words, does the concern of cleanliness cross your mind when your novio is lapping up a fish taco at the 7 Mares?

Do you inspect Wiener Burritos at Al & Bea’s before chomping down on them with your boca all dripping with saliva? NO!

Why the sudden concern all because your novio doesn’t wash his manos after using the bano? He probably figures his manos will get dirty soon enough with you anyway, sucia.
I need a shower now, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
All the single women I know are from work and they are all like 20-25 years younger than me. We are “friends” on Facebook but I am hesitant to comment on or “like” their photos and links too often for fear of being considered a dirty old man stalker.

Is there some sort of etiquette I should be following, Abuelita? I am not so foolish to think any of them might be romantic prospects but I get the feeling sometimes I creep them out. I just want them to treat me like anyone else.
Signed, Not sitting on a park bench like Aqualung

Dear Aqua Velva Viejo,
Baboso, young single women don’t want viejo coworkers as Facebook friends. They probably only accepted your friend request in hopes they are spared when you go wacko and shoot up the office. You probably do creep them out – hell, you’re creeping me out and that’s not an easy thing to do.

Leave the jovencitas alone. Stop showing up at places they check into and by all means, DO NOT poke them or send requests for them to play Angry Pajaros or any of those other annoying apps. Time to grow up. Get off Facebook and join AARP. Welcome to the golden years.
Qué vida podrida, Tu Abuelita


Do you have a pregunta for your Dear Abuelita, mijos? I want to help!

No question too odd. No answers guaranteed.
Vatos: If your question lasts for more than for hours,
please make sure you send me your home phone.

Que quieres, chicos?



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