Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

by Dear Abuelita on June 13, 2012 in Cultura, Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita:
I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful.

We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t allow anything other than straight “missionary position” and seems to treat it more as a chore than fun and she doesn’t experience orgasm but that’s no big deal as far as she is concerned.

What am I doing wrong? I thought this was a gift from God that we were both supposed to enjoy.
Is that all there is?

Dear Sinless,
Murder is a crime. Divorce is a sin. Adultery isn’t always what it’s made up to be in the novelas. I don’t have any advice for you. What were you thinking by being a virgin groom? I should smack you with a wet rosary for being such a menso.

Do you still have your Gift from God receipt? If so, you may want to consider returning your gift because it’s not working. I sure hope you both make it to heaven because your marriage sounds like a sexless hell. Unless you change religions, eso es todo. Que triste!
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I am a Chican@ Studies major (double in English.) I have been in school for seven years struggling to earn my degree. I still have no idea what to do when I graduate from college with those degrees. Do you have any advice?
A pocha faking her way by earning a Chican@ Studies degree

Dear Faker,
Your seven years of struggling will not be a total waste. You’re going to need the scrimp and save skills to make it out here with all those worthless degrees.

First off, no one uses English anymore and Chican@ Studies is being forced underground. I hope you got some good partying done during your college days because if you didn’t then you really did waste your time.

Maybe you can recycle your degrees and make yard sale signs out of them. You’re going to need to earn a living doing something.
Con carino, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
When I was doing my husband’s laundry I found some very suspicious receipts in a shirt he wore on what was supposed to be an out-of-town “business trip” — like Victoria’s Secret receipts and receipts from expensive restaurants I know his company would never allow.

There’s only one logical explanation for this: I think he’s fooling around on the road. Do I confront him? Do I look for more evidence? And then what? Abuelita — have you ever experienced anything like this? I feel betrayed and angry and hurt and also a little bit guilty because maybe I wasn’t being a good enough wife for him, you know, in bed.

What should I do?
Peaches ‘n’ Cream

Dear Peachy,
It’s time for me to ask you a few preguntas.

  1. Why is it every time a woman finds suspicious receipts in her husbands shirt pocket she immediately thinks he’s fooling around on her?
  2. Why are YOU doing his laundry?; Why are you blaming yourself for your own suspicions? I’ll tell you why – because today’s women don’t know a thing about Women’s Lib.

Do you think us women in the 70s burned our bras so the girls of the future can revert to being domestic slaves?

Grow some ovaries and hit the vato up yourself with your questions. If he leaves you then you’ll have one less load of laundry to do — not a bad trade off if you ask me.

Before I go, one last pregunta: Have you been noticing that your chonies are fitting funny in the front? Your husband may very well be a cross dresser. That will explain the Victoria Secret receipts.

The fancy restaurant receipts, on the other mano, sound fishy to me.
Ever lovingly, Tu bra burning Abuelita


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{ 1 comment }

Cynthia June 29, 2012 at 4:00 PM

“Grow some ovaries and hit the vato up yourself with your questions. If he leaves you then you’ll have one less load of laundry to do — not a bad trade off if you ask me.”

This is golden. One less load of laundry sounds EXCELLENT to me.

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