Dear Abuelita: Oh so liberal, like brown on rice, a Lone Star lament

by Dear Abuelita on June 27, 2012 in Cultura, Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I know the pathetic preguntas that give you the opportunity to insult poor suffering souls are the ones you pick to answer, but I really need your ayuda! So put your hearing aids and reading anteojos on and eschuchame!

Some members of mi familia are pinche plain racist, elitist, and sexist! As the elections get closer and closer no se si I can keep my mouth shut yet don’t want to cause family fights.

How am I going to avoid these heated subjects when I come from a family that lets their chonies blow in the wind?
Love, Liberal Mexican-Americans Everywhere

Dear LIMA Beaner,
So not to disappoint you, I am selecting your pathetic pregunta to top off this week’s advice column.

You have no problem being a smarty nalga when it comes to writing me so I don’t see why you have difficulty holding ground with your whacked-out racist, elitist, and sexist familia. What’s family without the occasional pedo anyway?

Seeing how you’re already thought of as the black sheep, I suggest you show up to the annual Fourth of July family picnic with an Obama lookalike as a date. Sign up on the pot luck list as the one taking fried chicken and watermelon. Sit back and let the fireworks begin.
Ever so willing to help, Tu Abuelita

Dear Buelita,
I am a gorgeous, dark-skinned, proud Latina seeking love. My problem is that I want a Latino man, but these Latino men only like the pinches gringas!

All of the Latino men I know who are in their early 20’s prefer the bleached, pale skin gringas who just celebrate every babosada they say. What can I do to get myself a good Latino man?
Signed, Desperately seeking a Latino Man

Dear Sepia Tone Bone Loving Babosa,
Pobresita, you don’t know what you’re missing by limiting the color of guys you’ve been kissing.

Do you only eat brown rice, wheat bread and dirt potatoes? Variety is the sabor of life.

If you’re batting zero with the brown hero then strike a homer with with a homie from a different race.

You won’t lose your brown pride by taking a ride on the light and dark side of the color chart.

If I would have held out all these years hoping to find a good Latino man and never sampled the light and dark meat your Dear Abuelita would have become a malnourished nun.

One more thing, stop being so damned desperate and racist.
In living color, Tu Abuelita.

Dear Abuelita,
I am a gay, liberal, college educated Latino (from California.) I am currently living in Texas. What should I say to all the gabachos here who say that Mexicans need to go back to their own country.

Is it bad to want to punch them in the face or tell those Pilgrims to deport themselves? What should I do. I can’t get into fights and I refuse to go to the pokey because of some anti-immigration redneck.
Signed, Izzy in Texas

Dear Izzy Does It,
Are you loco? Trying to reason with anti-immigration Texas rednecks with an educated liberal approach is like trying to scratch your ear with your codo. It can’t be done. You’re headed for a lynching if you keep that up.

I say it’s time to saddle up and use the rope they’re thinking of using on you to lasso a heard of cowboys. Show them how it’s done ranchero-style. That ought to change their local yokel racist yodel to a gente loving grito.
Yippee-ki-guay, Tu Abuelita

 

—————-
Do you have a pregunta for your Dear Abuelita, mijos? I want to help!

No question too odd. No answers guaranteed.
Vatos: If your question lasts for more than for hours,
please make sure you send me your home phone.

Que quieres, chicos?

 

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