Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

by Dear Abuelita on July 25, 2012 in Cultura, Dear Abuelita

Dear Abeulita:
Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem.

I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at hotel we are staying. The worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and my cell phone was stolen at during the incident and it’s such a crazy experience for us. Now, we stranded here without any money with us and we to need fly back home. Although we are so happy that we are physically OK and our passport still save with us.

We have been to police to make report about the incident but the best help they could render to us is that they took us to the embassy. Now, embassy have arrange a flight for us which was schedule on 15th of August but we don’t want to wait long anymore before we can get back home. I have been able to raise some money for the ticket but we are still short of little cash to complete the money and I will appreciate if you can be able to help us out with the little cash that we need.

I promise that i will pay you back any amount you can loan me as soon as i get back home. I will like you to get back to me as soon as possible Thanks you,
Signed, Your Nephew Carlos Abuelito

Dear Imposter,
Mentiroso, I don’t have a nephew Carlos and if I did he would never be a bleeding wanker like you. Instead he would enjoy an extended holiday in London, mostly indulging in British cuisine.

I can just see his salivating boca as he digs into a helping of Spotted Dick, Toad In A Hole, a serving of Bangers and Mash, or perhaps some Bubble ‘n’ Squeak. He may even ask for an order of Faggots.

Besides, my nephew Carlos (if I had one) would figure out a way to ship Big Ben overseas for his dear tia. All you can do is cry that your cell phone, luggage and money were stolen then dare ask me for money.

Here’s my dos centavos – pinche scam artist loser cabron, get a job!
Tu Abuelita

Grandma:
The big bad wolf is at my door, and what big teeth he has! Seriously, I am broke, out of work, living on pinche Social Security and really sick eating of rice and beans and ramen. Do you have any budget-stretching tips for these troubling times? And no, saving the rinse water from washing my chonies for a nutritious broth is not an option.

You can only get two cups of broth from a week’s worth of chonies and frankly Tapatio only goes so far is disguising the flavor. Help, me Abuelita, I am hungry and the wolf’s at the door of mi casa!
Signed, Ongry in Oxnard

Dear Big Ox,
Is your lack of nourishment the reason for your pendejadas? Everyone knows you have to toss in a pair of queso smelling calcetines into the calzones broth or it’s no good.

Tough times call for tough love so I’m going to give it to you straight – stop being a chillón and do something about your situation. Do you think the three little puercos just sat there while the big bad lobo came to their door so he can make chicharrones out of them? Those little stinkers were one step ahead of the game which is where you should be.

Get off your unemployed nalgas and dig up the biggest olla you have. Next boil up a calcetine y calzone broth and wait, with a machete in hand, for el lobo to knock at your door. Before you know it you’ll have more carne in your cocido than you’ll know what to do with.
Buen provecho! Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
Do you know what entropy is? Entropy is one of those high level physical laws that basically says there is an inevitable tendency for stuff to break, fall apart, wear out, collapse, rust, etc.

That’s just how Mother Nature Rolls.

Dishes fall from the table and break on the floor; china shards don’t leap up and re-assemble themselves on the table. Mustaches grow and eyebrows don’t pluck themselves (Frida shout-out!)

This means that as much as a person wants to make things better, their first priority is to make sure things don’t get worse. Before I talk the Missus into a couple of new positions, therefore, I need to make sure she is getting her money’s worth with the positions we have now.

I’m thinking edible body lotions. Any other recommendations?
Signed, Logical and Scientific Guy

Dear Doctor Who Gives a Caca,
Entropy also means a loss of information in a transmitted message just like your pregunta. Hijole, why not give that big word using head of yours a break and start thinking with your little cabeza. You know what they say, too much thinkage can lead to shrinkage.

The missus is probably tired of waiting for you to realize there is no logic or science when it comes to hitting the G-Spot. Don’t toss out the tongs and test tubes just yet, they may come in handy during foreplay. You do know what foreplay is, senor smarty pantalones.
In a kinky Kinsey kinda spirit,Tu Abuelita

 

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Do you have a pregunta for your Dear Abuelita, mijos? I want to help!

No question too odd. No answers guaranteed.
Vatos: If your question lasts for more than for hours,
please make sure you send me your home phone.

Que quieres, chicos?

 

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