Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Have you ever been to Earth?

by La Chata on September 6, 2013 in Cultura

burritoThis is an epic rant by @LuckyShirt, who says he is not really THAT angry:

Have you ever been to Earth? On Earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat.

Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends.

But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern….

Hat tip Dave Axler.

{ 6 comments }

Sandra Ramos O'Briant September 16, 2013 at 9:02 AM

Those layers very nouveau burrito, imo. Horrified when I first moved to CA. and was served this goulash. Only meat and beans and chili inside, please. All else on the side. I don’t mind if they touch, but prefer not to eat mush that shoots out one end.

Mayra September 17, 2013 at 5:15 PM

I gotta say, as I was reading this I was shouting “YES finally! Someone gets it!” Until we got to the part with the beans and rice inside…um. Maybe it’s just Phoeniquer@s, but beans and rice are SIDES, not fillings. Other than that, having transplanted to New York City, this is on point.

Brook September 20, 2013 at 11:23 PM

I’m a Texan and everything goes inside. I teach school and for lunch they serve nachos with cheese and either beans and corn or beans and rice on the side. I get everything on top.

Ruben Castilla Herrera September 22, 2013 at 1:37 PM

I loved this! Actually a burrito is a small or young burro. Somehow a taco became called a “burrito” because it was folded differently. I don’t know about you but when I eat a “taco stand” or a Mexican restaurant, I’m hard pressed to find burritos on the menu…only in America. #CulinaryGentrification #GodForgiveAmerica

Robotech_Master September 25, 2013 at 6:55 PM

Honestly, very few ethnic foods in America have survived the trip from their ethnicity. The burrito described in the rant is a “mission burrito,” which dates to the 1960s and has an interesting history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission_burrito

Personally, I love a good Qdoba burrito. They generally do make them lengthwise as they ought to, though you’re not necessarily going to get some of every filling in every bite nonetheless.

Chale Knickerbocker September 25, 2013 at 7:15 PM

If you’re seriously interested in the topic, we recommend our friend Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano‘s book Taco USA.

Click through to Amazon.

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