Post image for Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

by Lalo Alcaraz on June 6, 2013 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”

Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:

We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.

Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way:

It is quite harmful to speak Spanish near the organic produce section, as it makes the high quality vegetables that we bring from area organic growers nervous. They start reliving the trauma of being picked by Mexican farmworkers, and this affects their inner cell structure, and ultimately their natural, wholesome flavor.

It is also a safety issue, she said, as it makes monolingual employees feel uncomfortable, “because as you know, when people are speaking in a foreign language, they are always talking about you.”

Can you donate $20 or $50 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¡GRACIAS!

The new AssWhole Foods also announce it would end sale of certain products, including: tortillas, salsa, jalapeños, avocado, Jalapeño Cilantro Hummus, Seaweed Iceland Atlantic Kombu, Aviv Organic Matzos Whole Wheat, Piccolo Fiore Rosso vino, penne and calamari, and will immediately suspend sales of Terramazon Organic Yacon Slices, as noone can pronounce it under their English Only policies, and/or know what the hell that is anyway.

AssWhole Foods will also be shutting down its stores in New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Utah, Florida, Montana, and other states with Spanish-sounding names.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

{ 16 comments }

Elizabeth Hale June 6, 2013 at 1:27 PM

I’m white—half of my family from Texas. Although my family was not—I have found that TEXANS are some of the MOST RACISTS PEOPLE I have ever known!!! I Have A Message for You—Their are many Spanish Speaking people who need help from Spanish Speaking Employees. As I Have always said: “NO ONE WAS BORN A BIGOT” It’s something that their IGNORANT Parents & Friends & Family teach!!! Shame on you—get a clue about WHO is Living in OUR UNITED STATES???

Alex Jacobo June 6, 2013 at 4:00 PM

Marry me, Elizabeth!

Laura June 6, 2013 at 4:25 PM

“Kaley Quinoa”…. You’re too much.

trippinjohn June 6, 2013 at 7:19 PM

Elizabeth – I’m sure it is the sincere hope of the store that those folks who could use help from Spanish speaking staff will stop coming to their racist store.

Me June 7, 2013 at 4:40 AM

Read the article EVERYONE !!! Spanish or not.. The story is meant as a joke.. Put your pitchforks down and read it again

Sabroso Williams June 7, 2013 at 7:38 AM

I love this article, but I think this may be an Arizona-specific problem. Here in New York we got lots of Dominicans, Mexicans, Colombians and Ecuadorans working at all the WF locations, and all you hear is Spanish. One would almost think that it is encouraged, because it makes things more efficient. Na mean? The U.S. is not one nation. Very different things happening in different places. Pa’que sépan.

Isaac June 7, 2013 at 12:07 PM

One time I asked where the pan dulce was at whole foods and they asked me to leave…out the back.

Chase Banhart June 7, 2013 at 5:35 PM

This isn’t the only company that has this policy. The company I work for FIS Global won’t allow its employees to speak anything but English while on premises because it is “offensive” to those who don’t speak it.

I’ve heard of employees being written up for it in branches that I don’t work at, but nothing has happened at my branch and I still speak in Spanish to my friends all the time.

There should be a law against companies being able to reprimand you for speaking a different language.

ANA June 7, 2013 at 5:59 PM

So, are they going to stop cooking “enchiladas”, “curry” and all those “foreign meals”? That was the reason I liked them…

PB June 11, 2013 at 6:28 PM

I will cry about this the next time I go to DF and they do not speak englinsh in stores, especialmente Hermana Hortencia

Gaye June 13, 2013 at 10:49 AM

Good for Whole Foods! I think its rude to talk in a language everyone around you doesn’t understand….it’s like whispering. They need to respect the country they are ‘using’, and conform. Would we get away with the things they come here and do in defiance in their countries? I think not, we would end up in jail or shot.

Alicia Molina June 13, 2013 at 12:30 PM

Gaye: Did your parents raise you to be an ignorant racist, or is that something you picked up on your own?

pb June 13, 2013 at 5:09 PM

Viva La Raza, Alicia

Lucas June 13, 2013 at 12:32 PM

Quote : Good for Whole Foods! I think its rude to talk in a language everyone around you doesn’t understand….it’s like whispering. They need to respect the country they are ‘using’, and conform. Would we get away with the things they come here and do in defiance in their countries? I think not, we would end up in jail or shot.

My response: How about you learn the tribal languages of the indigenous people? I doubt you even know the history of this nation and how this land was STOLEN from other people. So before you open your damn mouth about how Mexicans are “using” this land from others you should start enrolling in Rosetta Stone and learn Cherokee or something.

Gaye June 13, 2013 at 5:30 PM

You guys make me smile. I absolutely agree with you Lucas about what we did to the Native Americans, especially in the name of Christianity. And I am not casting aspersions at Mexicans. I have lived in NM since the 80’s and have learned a lot of respect for them….they run this state. I am just saying it riles me when any immigrants come here and start demonstrating before respecting and assimilating. I worked in the CA state hospitals with immigrants who were not Mexicans, who talked their own language over the heads of the patients and staff and just shined the programs we had going for the individual patients on. That was my first with this disrespect. And I hate the unAmerican civil liberties union! So there!

Gaye June 14, 2013 at 12:30 PM

And funny you should mention Cherokee….my great grandmother I never met was Cherokee.
Listen to Merle Haggard’s ‘Fightin Side of Me’…..says it all to me….even though we don’t like how we came about.

Previous post:

Next post: