I really, really hate Christmas and here’s why

by MIRA LA REINA on December 6, 2012 in Cultura

I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old!

Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.

You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!

Oh and the fucking Christmas lights! You know, if my neighbors put as much effort into cutting the lawn year-round as they do in putting up all that gaudy, wasteful trash maybe my property values might be just a little big higher. Hey, Charlie, you know that dandelion is not a species of grass, right?

There are at least twice as many glowing Santas on my street as there are houses without cars on the lawns, for goodness’ sakes! That’s not even to mention all of the shiny, fire hazardous shit people spread all over their homes. Why would I want a fat, white guy hanging out all over my home? I already have that, OK? It’s called my father-in-law. Thanks, but no thanks.

And how about Black Friday? I sure do enjoy listening to all my boring co-workers, friends, family, neighbors, strangers and anyone who thinks I could possibly care tell me about all the great deals they got on Black Friday, which this year was actually Thanksgiving day. You know, I bet if you quantified all the time and energy you spent on trying to buy that cheap-ass TV set at Walmart, it would come out just about even with having bought just one good set a few years ago and not having to replace it annually at Black Friday because it’s a cheap contraption made by underpaid Chinese children.

Can’t pass up a great deal! God knows that $2 you saved on underwear wouldn’t have been better spent on you actually spending time giving thanks with your family at dinner, instead of shivering in the cold to buy them Christmas presents they might not even like!

Most of the time people don’t even bring the good shit to work. I want fudge, people! Where are the buñuelos, where are the pastries filled with creamy stuff? Don’t bring in this store-bought crap, you know what? Take your holiday spirit and go fuck yourself.

And buying tamales in a parking lot and bringing them to the office isn’t holiday cheer, it’s fucking food poisoning thankyouverymuch. Incidentally, just because I’m Latina, it doesn’t mean I make tamales, OK? So don’t even ask!

But maybe my least favorite thing about hating Christmas is the fact that everyone is always trying to change my mind and tell me about how much they love Christmas. The funny thing is, they don’t even love Christmas, though, they love the idea of Christmas, which usually has to do with all of the stuff they think they are going to get.

There’s a reason New Year’s is right after Christmas, OK? It’s so you can get drunk enough to forget all of the horrible crap you just had to go through during Christmas. I’m counting down already…

Animated reindeer GIF courtesy Holly Wales.


Jim Estrada December 6, 2012 at 9:50 AM

Que la patada. You made me forget about the real reason we are supposed to celebrate the “holy” day. De todos modos, te deséo Feliz Fiestas Navideñas a usted y sus queridos seres humanos. (I’m gonna go outside and whack the really tall weeds so people can the red, white and green lights I leave on all year ’round. Peace!

Maria Padilla December 6, 2012 at 9:52 AM

That’s some funny shit! Thanks especially for sharing your thoughts about the pinche Christmas music with historical perspective. White Christmas my ass, I live in the desert and it’s a drought condition with global climate changes.

maria December 6, 2012 at 10:18 AM

I love the tags!

Gris December 6, 2012 at 10:29 AM

Damn girl, you mad at the world? Seems like you’d be pissed no matter what was going on…and having a old fat white man as a father in law speaks more of where you are in your crankyness and all this white-Christmas crap. Remove the chip from your shoulder and FIND something to make you smile, shit…enjoy SOMETHING!! And if you can’t be pleasant, why add to the crap that you so poignantly described?

Not trying to change your mind about Christmas, but maybe suggesting a nice chingadazo to snap you out of your chiripiolca-trip.

Mira La Reina December 6, 2012 at 12:34 PM

You’re right, nothing like domestic violence to cure any problems, thanks Gris!

Mira La Reina December 6, 2012 at 12:33 PM

Thanks for all your comments guys, I think we all realize that the true spirit of Christmas is not stupid songs or stupid presents, but being with your family and being grateful for what you have.

Oh, and Gris, thanks for reminding me that all I want for Christmas is some misogyny and domestic violence — I love your Christmas spirit! Yay!!!

Gris December 6, 2012 at 2:30 PM

It wasn’t a reference to domestic violence, it was a reference to Chespirito. There was no misogyny in my comment, but I agree with having to be more aware in how I use my language as it can be taken out of context (and I realize, too, that I provided little context to begin with). Claiming I meant misogyny and domestic violence in my comment is like claiming you explicitly promoted New Year alcoholism as a cure for Christmas time hatred, and this is not something I believe you did…but if I were to throw defensive commentary around, that might be one I would use.

My point was more that it seemed like an angry rant for the point of an angry rant bordering on a tirade for the sake of itself. Have you ever seen those color comparisons where a shape of a color is placed first by the color white and then by the color black? Our eye interprets that shape’s color to be either lighter or darker depending which color it is next to. It just seemed to me, and I’m very likely assuming here, that your article showed how Christmas only highlighted you…not how it made you feel, but by contrast it highlighted your “hate hate” feelings.

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