Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years

by Lalo Alcaraz on May 22, 2013 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) American singer Jon Secada has begun to crawl out of the ground in the Mid-Atlantic area.

The now 50-year-old Secada reemerges every 13 or 17 years somewhere in the eastern half of the United States.

The last time Cuban-born Secada went underground was in 1996, two years after releasing Heart, Soul and a Voice. During his absence he somehow managed to quietly release two greatest hit albums and two Christmas albums, both in English and Spanish.

After re-emerging, Jon Secada typically sheds his crunchy brown exoskeleton and will spend a few weeks of adulthood mating and laying eggs in tree branches. He will also release yet another greatest hits or holiday-themed collection, definitely in Spanish.

After a round of talk show appearances and concerts at various Indian casinos, Secada will make his way back to the ground and burrow in for a dark 17-year juvenile period until the hormones kick in that will turn him back into an adult contemporary singer.

Secada will go on hiatus until 2030 and then continue the cycle.

Jon Secada never fails to make his short-lived act above the surface known. The male Secada makes species-specific mating calls by vibrating a white, drumlike plate, or tymbal, on either side of his abdomen.

His smooth, yet quite loud style of singing, best described as chirping and clicking noises, can be heard by females up to a mile away. Standing near an especially loud chorus of Secada can be like standing near a motorcycle, with a racket reaching up to 100 decibels.

Scientists expect the Secada population to be “holding steady” at one this year. Researchers estimate the album sales will be weak at best.

But entymologists aren’t only giddy over this year’s Secada emergence for science reasons. Some insist that Secada makes a delicious protein-rich meal.

Isa Betancourt, an entomologist at Philadelphia’s Drexel University, says Secada’s a delicacy, calling him “the shrimp of the land.” Jon Secada called that statement “hurtful,” and instead urged fans to visit his GeoCities page.

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{ 2 comments }

Lola May 22, 2013 at 3:01 PM

That is hilarious~ Lolamarina

Mixelle Garcia May 24, 2013 at 5:09 PM

Can’t stop laughing over this article, the tags are super funny!

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