Spring cholo fashion tips from Le Smoké light up Montebello

by Oscar Barajas on April 10, 2012 in Cultura, Pocho Ñews Service

XXXXL pants are de rigeur

(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Fresh cholo fashion tips brought style and fabulous funké decadence to the Montebello Town Center over the Easter weekend at fashion magistrate Le Smoké’s semiannual Eastsider Estilo Eshow, Low Rider Expo and Petting Zoo.

Le Smoké is celebrated for his ground-shaking declaration in 2006 that burgundy was the new red and periwinkle would not be considered blue. His list of do’s and don’t’s is always the highlight of the show.

Le Smoké, a 13-year Communications Sciences major at Unincorporated East Pocho City College and a 15-year veteran of the mean streets of Pocho Hills, a struggling suburb of Mission Pocho Viejo, uses the cutting edge of fashion rather than a prison shank to do his stabbing.

A who’s who of local celebrity thuggery was there to witness his infamous lists of what’s firme and what is gacho. Here are some of the highlights:

Firme:

  • You can never go wrong when you remain faithful to the classics. Do not discount how far a Kings or Raiders jersey will take you. They are especially intimidating to tias who have not left the house since 1989.
  • Knee socks and chanclas are a must. The only truco is that you have to remember to rock the white knee socks. Otherwise if you rock the black ones, people will confuse you with viejito retirees from Boca Raton. Nothing is more threatening and intimidating than someone rolling up on a beach cruiser and wondering if they are going to ask for your gold chain or if you are remaining in contact with your grandmother.
  • All pants must have multiple X’s before the L. You should strive to look like a denim genie. Anything under 4 X’s is blasphemy. Remember that your pants must sag to the point where the elderly claim that you have no respect for human decency or gravity. In addition, please make it a priority to just say no to skinny jeans. No self-respecting vato goes around with his equipment looking like the percentage sign.
  • Creases are a must. After all, they are what separates the civilized man from the poo-throwing savages of the wild. You must have creases on your pants, on your shirts and even on your stretchmarks.

Gacho:

  • Ladies, leave the gaudy rings to NBA players who are celebrating a championship run.
  • Nothing breeds a sense of commitment like neck hickeys. They’re inexpensive and nothing shows your child’s teacher during parent conference that your relationship is going places.
  • Thou shall not wear White Nike Cortez sneakers after Labor Day, which is the highest of all principles. You might as well wear periwinkle and slap your favorite tia in the face.
  • When you are shooting your gun, the fashionable thing to do is to shoot sideways instead of taking the time to aim. This will guarantee a maximum amount of casualties and collateral damage.

Those are the rules. Failure to adhere to them will result in a loss of fabulousness. Remember, just because you’re marginalized, disenfranchised and stigmatized as one of the ills of society, it does not mean that you cannot look your grandest.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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