Mexican Mitt Romney is live on Twitter: I am in it to guin it!

by Andalé Mono on January 12, 2012 in Cultura, El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from CYBER ESPACE) Like virtual huitlacoche  growing on a diseased ear of GOP political corn, an avatar of candidate Mitt Romney emerged on Twitter Wednesday, a digital fungus thriving on the stinking mess of Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary.

Using the handle @MexicanMitt,  the campaign’s online Hispanic personality exalts Romney as a canny opportunist, occasionally-job-killing corporate turnaround guru and proud-to-be-loaded capitalist examplar. MexicanMitt now has 1,100 followers.

Pocho Ñews Service  interviewed @MexicanMitt via email:  

PNS: You seem to love enforcing immigration policies. How many of your own Mexican family members have you deported?

MexicanMitt: I keep deporting them back after they finish working for me selling oranges. So I don’t think of it as deporting them, more like firing them

PNS: Did you send your children to Spain or Costa Rica to learn Spanish?

MM: I sent my hijos to be missionaries to all the backward countries where they espeak espanish, like Los Angeles and El Paso.

PNS: If elected president, how would you top President Obama’s deportation record?

MM: This thing is in the bag for me, so I am already planning to top that socialista’s record by also deporting people with limited English skills, like Rick Perry and Sarah Palin.

PNS: How many more fences along the border do we need in your opinion?

MM: I will buy WalMart and convert it to a BorderwallMart, that way we can protect our borders, and make money at the same time. And I can fire more people! ¡Ajúa!

PNS: What are Latinos good for, just gardening, or also running the state of Michigan like your dad?

MM: I enjoy the Mexican way of life, lots of good food, beautiful ladies, glittery mariachi pants. They don’t call it MITTchoacan for nothing! Mexicans make excellent naranja sellers, except for my dumb primos!

PNS:  Why did you decide to join Twitter in the middle of your campaign? What pushed you to come out as a Mexican?

MM: Mira, peoples were saying I was so boring, so I decided to let everyone know I was born this guey! Since Herman Cain, who barely spoke Cuban, left the campaign to touch the ladies, I decided I’d better espice things up! And Twitter is the perfect way to reach out and touch the ladies without getting sued.

PNS: Are you friends with Republican New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, AKA @ElBloombito?

MM: Si, nosotros los riches we stick together. Next week we are going to go play polo, eat pollos and fight gallos!

PNS: Why are you a Republican? And do you know noted self-deportationist Daniel D. Portado?

MM: I am a Republican because I believe in freedom and liberty and raping a company and firing all the peoples that work for it, and taking the pesos for myself. Daniel D. Portado, he is going to work for me as my Hispanic Outreach Campaign Manager, for cheap, as he is a mojado.

PNS: If you could tell every Latino in the country one thing what would it be?

MM: You poor people are simply YEALOUS of my REECHES!

PNS: What are your plans for 2012?

MM: To win before the Mayans ruin everything…AGAIN.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.


JoeRayCr8iv January 13, 2012 at 11:14 AM

One time I ran into Mitt in San Luis, RC Sonora.

My cousins Manuel, Javier, Domingo and I had run to the store for more beer and we saw him pan handling. He also asked for beer. So we took him with us back to the house, where he proceeded to drink and eat more than anyone else. Finally one of the neighbors (I think it was Chaparro) got in his face and told him he had to leave. An argument ensued, along with some shoving and knocking over of metal drinking cups. Finally my Tia Ramona came out and yelled at pinche Mitt and sent him packing/fleeing for his life as she chased him with a matamoscas. All of us backed away from her.

This would not be the last time I would see Mitt in Mexico…

JoeRayCr8iv January 13, 2012 at 8:35 PM

I once saw El Mitt selling miniature guitars and naranjas con saladitos along the border as we waited to cross back into the US. He was pushy and had a number of madrazos that flowed freely. Pinche Mitt…

Mexican Mitt January 13, 2012 at 9:44 PM

Are you sure that was not one of my many DUMB PRIMOS de Chihuahua???!!! Besides, I did not sell small guitars, I sold big ukeleles. Ajua!

JoeRayCr8iv January 16, 2012 at 9:33 AM

MM, what’s your take on those pinche smart phones and auto correct features?
I just texted a friend and here’s what was sent:
Rubi chi go. El este weekend haviendo Los pinching monos.

Here’s what I meant to say:
Estuvo chignon el este weekend, haciendo los pinche monos.

Are we in danger of gentrification? Is this the beginning of that chingado SkyNet? Is this where the machines take over and later show up uninvited looking like Arnold?

Mitts Familia January 16, 2012 at 8:24 PM
JoeRayCr8iv January 17, 2012 at 8:02 PM

Oyes, Mitt! Wasn’t that you I saw at Rosita’s the other night dancing by the juke box trying to hit on MORE THAN 4 women? Everything was going fine, we sat there buzzed (were you drinking too????) and I look over and see you dancing the bump y grind to that old Piña Colada song from the 70s. What’s with that????

Watchale, cause one of those women (at least 1) is married. That only leads to drunken driveway chingasos, sort of like Thanksgiving with the in-laws.

Jerry January 22, 2012 at 6:26 PM

The word is that the morons ooops sorry I meant mormons and romney have an escape plan ready for when the U.S Goverment goes after them again for getting maried to more than 2 women at the same time, for not paying taxes and for hiding there illicit money not only in the cayman Islands but in many other countries. Hey if he hasn’t done anything wrong then he shouldn’t have to hide his money. I’ll see that culero miti running to his cousins house in Mexico and asking the Mexican Goverment for help, yup I can see him now saying ” I’m Mexican” .

JoeRayCr8iv January 22, 2012 at 8:10 PM

Oyes Mitt…when we going back to la zona! Let me know when you’re ready…but you gotta chip in for gas this time, cabron!

Honkey 4 Jesus February 6, 2012 at 9:53 PM

Hey @MexicanMitt. I hear you drove around Mexico with two chihuahuas strapped to the top of your Astro van. If you can convince me the chihuahuas loved it I will vote for you!

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