Viejas and Gentlemen, voters, suppressed voters, this is my final espeech to you before I win the election tomorrow for the Presidency of the United Estates. This is the most important Presidential election of your lifetime, if you were born this year.
I know, you are RELIEVED that this long national nightmare will be finally over. I, too, am sick of the ads, the constant campaigning, having to look at my running mate what’s-his-face, but especially I am sick of Bronco Bamma.
But enough about Black Reagan. Or the country. You all want to know how this affects ME, Mexican Mitt Romney. Campaigning is hard. It’s almost like a yob, which I have not held in a long time. Despite waking up in various strange hotels with Mormon wood every day, I still miss my 14 RANCHOS. (For the language-impaired, “rancho” is Spanish for “polygamous Mormon compound.”)
I hardly have time to complete my bedroom rotation for all my viejas and sub-viejas. And, rest assured, I am schooled in MMA: Mexican Marital Arts. But the grueling schedule is even too much for ME. And Little Mitt.
But I will not be too tired, or have a headache too large, to finish this campaign tomorrow and EMERGE VICTORIOUS!!
I AM IN IT TO GUIN IT. I AM THE BEST JUAN FOR THE JOB. I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING.
Little did I know when I was just estarting out running perpetually for office that I would finally be so close to taking back the White House for rich dudes.
Nothing can estop me now, not even the REVELATION that I haven’t paid taxes FOR 10 PINCHE YEARS. Yeah, I paid ZERO taxes for 10 years. HOW DO YOU THINK I ESTAY REECH, BEECH??
Bueno, there is so much I have planned, unfortunately I cannot tell you any details, other than the following things I will do ON DAY JUAN:
- ON DAY JUAN: I will rename my plane AIR FORCE JUAN
- ON DAY JUAN: I will go back to HATING ABORTION
- ON DAY JUAN: FREE GAY HAIRCUTS
- ON DAY JUAN: I will give viejitos a 7UP COUPON for their MEDICARE
- ON DAY JUAN: I will I will put ALL the VIEJAS BACK IN THE BINDER
- ON DAY JUAN: I will put my tax returns in a LOCKBOX FOREVER
- ON DAY JUAN: I will put your UTERUS IN A LOCKBOX, TOO
So, if you agree with all my plans, you must Go VOTE. And if you work for me or any of my rich amigos, you will vote for me or GET FIRED.
That’s how DEMOCRACY WORKS.
But I am not worried. THE FOX POLL says I am ahead more than 5000%, AND THAT I ALREADY WON. (Margin of error is +/- 1000%.)
Read it and weep. I WILL BE THE CHOSEN JUAN.
I am winning even though CHRIS CHRISTIE THREW ME UNDER THE FOOD TRUCK. On Tuesday, BIG BIRD would be SAFER AT COLONEL SANDERS’ PLANTATION.
TUESDAY I WILL WIN BY ANY BEANS NECESSARY, even if I WIN BY JUAN PERCENT, I will still rule over all of you in my GOLDEN SOMBRERO.
Thank you, my pinches GUEYES for all your hard work reading my tweets. REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY AND YOU WILL GET A COUPON FOR FREE TACO BELL TACOS.*
*Mexican Mitt Romney must hit a home run in the World Series for offer to be valid. Democracy not available in Florida. Tacos are named “Freedom Sandwiches” in Arizona.
Mount Rainier photograph by Michael Russell Photography