@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

by MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY on October 3, 2012 in El Now

I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.

AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!

I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO.  I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.

HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL.

I am not nervous about tonight, in fact, I used to get the nervy esquirts before public espeaking, but not anymore! I now suspect OBAMA must have a serious case of the CHOCOLATE SHAKES. And no, that’s not racist.

My new debate coach has also had me practicing against an empty chair. Great idea, Coach Eastwood!

And just wait until I whip out my EZINGERS! Unzip the EZINGERS! AJUA!

Here are some of my ezingers:

  • IS THAT A GOLD BAR IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
  • IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, MY OPPONENT IS BLACK
  • ORANGE YOU GLAD I’M LATINO?
  • WHERE’S THE ASADA?
  • OBAMA HAS CUT THE ESPACE PROGRAM, BUT I PROMISE THAT BY THE END OF THIS DECADE WE WILL SEND A MAN TO LAND ON CHRIS CHRISTIE
  • ASK NOT WHAT FREE STUFF YOU CAN GET, ASK WHAT FREE STUFF RICH PEOPLE CAN GET
  • There is nothing to fear but EL CHUPACABRAS, LA LLORONA AND EL CUCUY!
  • OBAMA PROMISES THE NANNY STATE. I PROMISE THE CLEANING LADY AND  GARDENER STATE  …and…
  • TAKE MY WIVES, PLEASE

I AM IN IT TO GUIN IT.  I will make all sorts of promises and hand out gift cards to the Pico Rivera Swap Meet to get your support. Tonight I will promise to extend Hispanic Heritage Month to Oct. 16. That’s right, my Presidency will make all of your dreams come true.

I will also reveal my new softening of my immigration estance. It is now a very WIDE ESTANCE. Now I will give you mojaditos three extra days before you must SELF-DEPORT. I am a COMPASSIONATE COMPADRE.

I will promise to go to AREA FIFTY JUAN AND TALK TO THE ALIEN PRISONER, and then ask him, or it, to SELF DEPORT.

Also, even though OBAMA beat me to creating a National CESAR CHAVEZ MONUMENT  (what a great boxer!) I promise to dedicate a monument to the CESAR SALAD in TIJUANA, and install a FULL MEXICAN BREAKFAST BUFFET in THE WHITE HOUSE. And not just Saturdays and Sundays. ALL WEEK, BEECHES!

Remember, when you get a WHOPPING $26 A WEEK FOR FOOD STAMPS, you are a MOOCHER. When I get $70K tax deduction for a HORSE, THAT’S ESMART FINANCIAL PLANNING.

So, after the debate, if you see one of my GOP Voter Registration workers try to sign you up for REPUBLICAN VOTER ONLY registration, do whatever they say. You will know them by their tshirts that read: “KKKORN.”

Remember, pinche lazy-ass moochers and freeloaders, I NEED YOUR SUPPORT. Heavy is the head that wears the GOLDEN SOMBRERO.

See you tonight, parasite!

And here’s my new poster:

You can follow @MexicanMitt Romney on Twitter.

{ 1 comment }

Dora Herrera October 3, 2012 at 11:03 AM

Vote early. Vote often. Maybe one will get through…

Previous post:

Next post: