Online surge of Constitutional Law, Bible experts slows the Internets

by Comic Saenz on June 27, 2013 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) The Internets slowed to a virtual crawl yesterday as millions of experts in Constitutional Law and The Holy Bible took to Twitter and Facebook to educate ignorant netizens about the God-hating freedom-attacking Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage.

“It was definitely a brownout, dude,” according to 18-year-old Jaime “Twitchy” Loftwich, who runs the worldwide computer network from the basement of his mom’s home in Palo Alto. “Hella load,” he emailed PNS. “I haven’t seen ping times like that since Kim Kardashian was rushed to Cedars-Sinai!”

“I was trying to get to CraigsList.com to see if that girl responded to my “Missed Connections” post about how she had green eyes and a parrot on her shoulder on the boardwalk in Venice Beach and I was the guy with dreads selling patchouli incense,” frustrated Starbucks WiFi user Wil W complained on the forums at ThisShitisFuckedUpBrah.info.

“I never even got past the Starbucks login page to CL. That girl had a special aura, dammit. I don’t care if she was covered with bird shit. The gays are oppressing me!”

Meanwhile, highly-trained NOC monkeys at the NSA’s massive data mining center in Utah were having trouble keeping their bit buckets from filling up and overflowing, according to experts monitoring the situation from Sheremetyevo Airport outside Moscow.

“We have 1’s and 0’s everywhere,” one frantic internal NSA email read. “People are slipping in the puddles of data, Vine videos just won’t stop and our direct pipe from Facebook is showing nothing but rainbows.”

Rainbows were not on the Bible/Constitutional experts’ minds, however, since the world is sinking into a LAKE OF BURNING HELL-FIRE.

Pastor Ken summed it up this way (we think he meant to say “our Nation” not “out Nation,” however. Forgiving his trespass is the Christian thing to do):

Christian rock bass guitar player Mike Huckabee reported the reaction of Our Lord and Savior, since Jesus doesn’t have his own Twitter account:

 

Shane Hall quoted King David:

Thank Godwin the Christians have not yet been forced to wear yellow stars nor have they been sent to the ovens, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED:

 

Los Angeles Internets envigilator voidmstr said the traffic was only the most recent manifestation of voidmstr’s law:

“Bandwidth,” he texted PNS, “expands to fit the waste available.”

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Previous post:

Next post: