It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad Pro — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday:
8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.
7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.
6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.
5. Practice your evil eye/mal ojo look. And in case someone mad-dogs you, carry a raw egg to invoke the appropriate anti-eye remedio.
4. Pochas: Enlist the help of your husband/boyfriend/sancho to [A] Run blocking formations for your mission and [B] Carry estuff home.
3. PRO TIP: Dress like a Syrian refugee! A burqa (for gals) or Arab robes and headgear (for guys) can get you to the head of the line fast (not recommended at airport gift shops.)
2. A strategically thrown/placed copy of Adele’s new CD 25 makes an excellent diversion.
And the numero uno tip for surviving Black Friday is…
Two Words: Sleep in.