The minute we heard the United States Air Force had planned and carried out Operation Chimichanga, we knew there had to be more to the story. Our Pentagon sources confirmed the hunch: The inspiration for the “chimichanga” code name was the way the Tex-Mex fried-burrito-belly-busters incapacitated unwary diners every time. The brass hats’ hope was that secret teams in state-of-the-art aircraft could make the enemy moan just like fajita-fed TGIFridays customers on Cinco de Mayo.
There is more to the story — the pocho ocho secret Pentagon operations still in the planning stages:
8. Operation Don’t Drink the Water: Secret “wetback” forces from the Navy SEALS sneak into enemy territory and dose the water with “pedo-biotic” agents bioengineered to cause widespread “Montezuma’s Revenge.” This is expected to cause pandemic personal distress, lessen the enemy’s fighting capability and reduce water pressure.
7. Operation Hot Tamale: Inspired by the guetherman’s motto of “cool today, hot tamale,” stealthy airborne drones seed enemy skies with specially-formulated lard and masa pellets that trap your fat, screw your cholesterol and clot your veins.
6. Operation Huarache: Powerful microphones at the Tijuana border monitor the music coming from inbound cars and trucks. Upon detecting tuba-infected banda music, the system deploys jagged spike strips across the road, completely stripping the tread off the incoming vehicles’ tires in neat, 11-inch strips. Passengers are detained for further processing and the harvested rubber strips are then sold to local shoe manufacturers to defray costs of using this technology.
5. Operation Flaming Hot Cheeto: Part of the hush-hush herbicidal warfare program, Operation Flaming Hot Cheeto aims to spray enemy combatants with spicy red dust that blinds them and puts them on the road to Type Two Diabetes. Side effects include hallucinations, nausea, and affinity for Dora the Explorer.
4. Operation Little Weeping Tree: A media/psychological warfare attack in which Cuban and Venezuelan TV airwaves are saturated by endless Mel Gibson movies like Lethal Weapon Three, which Latinos can’t properly pronounce. The goal? Linguistic confusion trumps Marxist delusion.
3. Operation BeanRunner: Uncle Sam replaces paleteros and other Mexican food delivery men with robot spies so human and lifelike only Harrison Ford can detect their presence. Most foreigners conclude these are indeed the tacos they were looking for.
2. Operation Hide the Chorizo: Female troops are deployed abroad to seduce vulnerable foreign officials. Typical “honey pot” entrapment moves get a spicy Latina twist with special bedroom techniques like “roll the burrito,” “grind the molcajete” and “lick the paleta.”
And the numero uno secret potential U.S. military operation is…
Operation Sleeping Mexican: Green Berets deploy around the world disguised as the ubiquitous Mexigarden gnome. When advantageously positioned near strategic installations, they jack enemy burros and stash them behind their cactuses.