Ricky Martin Santorum wants Puerto Rico to be blahlingual

by Lalo Alcaraz on March 16, 2012 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from POCHO RICO) Former senator and current GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum caused a furor on this island yesterday when he said English would have to be the “main language” for the Puerto Rican Commonwealth to ever become a state.

To be fair, when Santorum told a campaign rally crowd here in San Juan that Puerto Ricans should make English the official language, he didn’t think they could understand English at all.

The candidate also told the crowd there will be no statehood until they deport Ricky Martin to nearby Guantanamo Prison.

Santorum also insists Puerto Ricans must convert to Christianity. “Puerto Rico, you must first renounce your voodoo gods and cannibalism once and for all.”

When the island renames itself Richport, he said, it would be on “a pathway to citizenship.”

When reached for comment from various news outlets including the Pocho Ñews Service, Santorum denied he made the statement about English, and is now claiming he told Puerto Ricans they should speak blah. “Puerto Rico,” he said, “should just be blahlingual.”

His campaign moves next to the Dominican Republic. Although is not a U. S. commonwealth, Santorum firmly believes it will swing Republican, adding, “It’s all in the name. Dominicans taught me in high school.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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