Is this a video of the legendary goat-sucking El Chupacabra – or what’s left of the critter – floating dead in a river in Paraguay?

The Daily Mail reports:

The decomposed body of a humanoid figure has washed up in a stream in Paraguay – and terrified locals believe it to be mythical vampire-like creature Chupacabra. [Mas…]

WTF? It’s an old answering machine — a gift from Mom — with a disturbing voicemail message from Abuelita. What to do? [NSFW adult language en Espanish.]