horny

Dear Abuelita,
What is the deal on “sexting”? Do guys really think a low-res cam-phone photo of their junk will make me swoon with desire?

Take me to a gallery opening or a new artisan bakery or something dick-less, por plis.

If I judged boys by dick pics, my dance card would be filled with Stiff, Vein-y and Ugly. And that means you, Eduardo. Stop it!
Signed, Just an old-fashioned girl, I guess

Dear Old-Fashioned Whiner,
Let’s be honest, we all know you swoon over the low-res cell-cam photos. I’d even bet your cell phone is set on vibrate and kept tucked in your chonies, cochina. [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita,
Early this morning while I was sleeping I thought my Jack-Chi dog Chacho was howling from his chair in the living room. (He enjoys the wing-backed chair with the mauve chenille cushion.) I called out for him to come to me. My roommate (my ex who is still legally my husband) came into my room and asked if I was OK. He told me I was the one who was howling, not Chacho! What is happening to me?
Howling into the Night

Dear Night Howler,
Aye, mija, it sounds like you’re in heat and it’s no wonder. You’ve got a dog who sleeps in a cushioned wing-backed chair and an ex (who is still legally your husband) living under your roof. The combined testosterone pollution is making you howl like a horny bitch. If you don’t do something soon you’re bound to start dragging your nalgas around on the carpet and resort to licking yourself in public.
[Mas…]