jesus

Epistle to the Internets: ‘Jesus Had A Jewish Mother’ (toon)

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jesusjewishmother“Mom, how many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Don’t worry about me, Sammy, I’ll just sit here in the dark.” [RIMSHOT.]

Was it any different for Jesus of Nazareth and his Jewish mother Mary?

Cartoonista Idan Schneider answers the kvetching question as the toon continues here: Jesus Had A Jewish Mom.

PREVIOUSLY ON JUDIOS:

Mas…Epistle to the Internets: ‘Jesus Had A Jewish Mother’ (toon)

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

Moses y Jesús team up in ‘Prophetic Fight for Immigrant Rights’ (video)

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When Moses attracts the attention of the MIGRA, he seeks out his amigo Jesús for some help. Can this Holy Tag Team come up with a miracle to defeat the haters? [Written and produced by: Josh Healey. Directed by: Yvan Iturriaga. Starring: Corey Fischer (Moses), Richard Montoya (Jesús), and Jeri Lynn Cohen (Zippy). Produced by: Favianna Rodriguez. Executive Produced by: Culture Strike.]

GOP, Christians reach out to millennials: ‘Rappin’ for Jesus’

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If the GOP has any future, it needs fresh blood, according to young Christian conservatives at a recent right-wing confab.

And reaching “Millenials” means communicating in the languages These Kids Today know — sarcasm, hiphop, humor and snark.

“How do you make abortion funny?” That was a key question mulled at a major conservative gathering Friday on how to make social conservatism appealing to young people, after an election where Republicans got trounced in the battle for millennial voters (who are are moving even further and further away from the Christian-right on marriage and other issues).

Mas…GOP, Christians reach out to millennials: ‘Rappin’ for Jesus’

Breaking: Silicio Barrio startup demos 3D tortilla printer

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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Previously-secret startup MasaTek.com today unveiled a hardware/software combo that uses 3D printing to print corn or flour tortillas with the religious or brand image of your choice.

“The waiting is over!” Carlos Molinero, president of the Silicio Barrio company, told reporters here. “You need Jesus? He’s just a click away. La Virgen is always on deck!”

The WiFi-enabled printer is the size of a small microwave and has a hopper on top for masa. It uses open source 3D software, Molinero said, and is easily addressable with standard CAD tools.

Mas…Breaking: Silicio Barrio startup demos 3D tortilla printer

Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry

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OK, mi gente, now I am really, really angry. Since I have last written, I have thought long and hard about the present state of the Catholic Church.

It has occurred to me that the “speaking points” of Ash Wednesday, apply specifically to the Catholic Church and the immediate legal and public relations problems that beset it now. If you recall, the deacon spoke of things we might “give up” for Lent. Things such as:

Mas…Why is ‘Il Santo Papa’ making up his own rules? I am really angry

Ñewsweek: The Chicano handshake, RATM, Bimbo ♥ Twinkie?

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Make friends and influence people with a Chicano handshake?

That’s right, pochas y pochos, you too can reinforce your raza credibility with a puro handshake, as Subcommandanta del News Sara Inés Calderón demonstrates in her viral video. She illustrates the proper form for handshakes in Califas and Tejas plus throws in a variation that answers the musical question Why Can’t We Be Friends?

On the music front, Pocho Ñews Service Floridita Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera takes a look at the contradiction between Rage Against the Machine’s message and some clueless fans’ love of the band. Hint: VP wannabe Paul Ryan isn’t the only doofus.

On the international business news beat, Subcommandante del Cultura Victor Payan blows the lid off the Republican effort to thwart the sale of bankrupt Hostess to Mexico’s Bimbo.  Revelations from the TwinkieLeaks website include this money quote from GOP guru Karl Rove: “They can have my DingDong when they pry it from my cold, dead hand.”

And New Jack City Burro Jefe Elise Roedenbeck illuminates the softer side of South America with the sad tale of a Peruvian girl and her llama —  a lament for lost youth, innocence and a little girl’s dreams.

These are top stories that broke the ñews on POCHO this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: The Chicano handshake, RATM, Bimbo ♥ Twinkie?

To: sw6n-34kd31fa8@dcjobs.craigslist.org  Re: GOP Latino Wrangler

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Dear Party of Lincoln:
I am very interested in the Latino Wrangler opening at the Republican National Committee you advertised on CraigsList.

My wife is half Mexican, my son is one-quarter Mexican and I have been to Mexico four times for cheap lobster, not that anyone's ethnicity would be used as a qualification for this job. I'm white, of course.

Mas...To: sw6n-34kd31fa8@dcjobs.craigslist.org  Re: GOP Latino Wrangler

Ñewsweek: Romney el moreno; no photo, no voto; santo monkey

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POCHO’s ñewsweek was all about the Mittster as the GOP wannabe wished he were a puro Latino, dissed half of America and looked mysteriously moreno on a Univision appearance.

But wait, there’s more! Sarah Silverman explained how the GOP is trying to keep you from voting, Latinas have racist vaginas, and that new monkey species discovered in Africa reminded us of…JESUS?

The links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Romney el moreno; no photo, no voto; santo monkey

Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

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(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.

“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”

“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”

“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.

Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

Ñewsweek: Arizona racism? Thankfully, we have Jesus El Luchador

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Arizona hate made POCHO headlines again this week; the Pocho Ocho crew came up with Pro Tips for white-collar Latinos plus eight caveats for goofy gabachos; and while AZ Gov. Jan Brewja haunted POCHO, Jesus Christos El Luchador (who drinks Corona with a lime, btw) made a miraculous appearance.

These big stories broke the ñews on POCHO this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Arizona racism? Thankfully, we have Jesus El Luchador

Jesus Christos and His 12 Apostle-Luchadores: ‘The Last Fiesta’ (toons)

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Jesus drinks Corona, of course, and tacos, taquitos and burritos are on the menu in this painting of the Last Fiesta by Pale Horse, a fine art illustrator. Who is that drinking Tecate?

Pale Horse writes:

The Last Fiesta’ is my 12-skateboard deck shout-out to Leonardo da Vinci’s ‘The Last Supper’ with Jesus Christos and his 12 Luchador apostles getting down one last time. This piece was created for my solo exhibit Saints & Sinners, here at the Pale Horse Studio. Hand-made shadow box by Casey Paquet.

Mas…Jesus Christos and His 12 Apostle-Luchadores: ‘The Last Fiesta’ (toons)

Man hits breakfast taco with flyswatter, finds face of Jesus Christ

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It was an ordinary day in Beeville, TX, according to Paul Gonzalez of the Beeville Bee-Picayune:

BEEVILLE— There was nothing inherently different about Ernesto Garza when he walked into the newspaper office with a piece of foil folded in half.

An older man who attends La Amistad Adult Daycare, Garza walked in, sat down and said, “I have something to show you.”

“I was sitting just like I am now,” Garza said. “I ate more than half of my taco, then a fly was flying around, so I grabbed the flyswatter, and I hit it, and when I looked down, I saw it.”

It was the face of Jesus looking up at him from his half-eaten tortilla.

Mas…Man hits breakfast taco with flyswatter, finds face of Jesus Christ

Lasers in the Honduran jungle pinpoint lost White City of Gold

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The University of Houston and National Center for Airborne Laser Mapping team produced this 3D digital topological map which when examined shows a man-made plaza ringed in red

They tried to discredit the calendars that clearly show the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is set for December. They laughed at the evidence of Ancient Astronauts who worked with indigenous people to build the pyramids of Aztlan. But now their own lasers — lasers controlled by a university named after the man who ripped Tejas away from La Raza — now their lasers have found Ciudad Blanca, the legendary lost “White City” of gold in Honduras. Who is laughing now?

The University of Houston reports:

A field team from the University of Houston and the National Science Foundation (NSF) National Center for Airborne Laser Mapping (NCALM) has mapped a remote region of Honduras that may contain the legendary lost city of Ciudad Blanca.

Mas…Lasers in the Honduran jungle pinpoint lost White City of Gold

Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven

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Heaven is exactly like this

Easter got us thinking about The End. Will we make it past those pearly gates into heaven?

You could try to live your life by your religion’s standards, sure, but where’s the fun in that? Here are pocho ocho ways for a sinner like you to get past St. Peter:

8. Invest in a timeshare now
Hey, it works when you want to go to Palm Springs or Miami — why not heaven?

7. Make a shrine in your home burning 72 veladoras at any given time
It’s common knowledge that every candle you light is like another spiritual brownie point. So, logically, the more candles, the more likely you can get into heaven.

6. Name your son Jesús or your daughter Guadalupe
It has to be true — otherwise we wouldn’t all have uncles named Chuy or cousins named Lupe.

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven