(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Donald Trump, Wharton School Class of 1968, is the new cover boy of a University of Pennsylvania alumni magazine mailed today to Penn grads across the country.
Mas…Donald Trump makes cover of Penn alumni magazine (photo)
(PNS reporting from ENCINO) San Fernando Valley homeowner Donald Murietta was depressed most of Saturday afternoon after reading the latest issue of The Pennsylvania Gazette, the alumni magazine of the University of Pennsylvania.
Murietta, a 1998 Penn graduate, first turned to the obituary section when the glossy monthly arrived with the 2PM mail delivery, and that’s when his ball-breaking downer began.
News of the February 12 death (a tragic fish-pickling accident in Rochester, NY) of old girlfriend Leslie Sonnenshein (nee Baldwin), Class of 1999, set off a cascade of emotions that started at the top with their intense makeout session at that SAE party after the Princeton game and ended at the bottom with a very public breakup in the Van Pelt Library right before Christmas, which was totally his fault because he fucked that girl Candi.
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Local publisher Benjamin “Sparky” Franklin (Poor Richard’s Almanac) is shocked by all the non-English-speaking dark-skinned foreigners in the City of Brotherly Love and worries about how our planet appears to residents of Venus and Mars.
The “swarthy” German newcomers are too stupid to learn English, the Society Hill resident charged in a recent newsletter: