politics

Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)

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Join us, wan't you?

[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JUNE 1, 2012] C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding its Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.

C.L.A.P., founded in 1912, is the oldest conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles.

These are our guiding principles:

Pillar 1: Immigration

Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the U.S., our value to this country has become more and more diluted . As a result, C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.

Mas…Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)

Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon

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Barack Hussein Obama’s biggest donors and best crony capitalist friends at JP Morgan Chase recently lost over two billion dollars in risky trades.

Instead of wailing about this so-called “Wall Street reform” nonsense, I have decided to open my own bank and mega Wall Street trading firm: JP Mormon.

At JP Mormon, we promise to keep your money away from the risky trades of Wall Street and in safe, secure island strongholds.

We will also store your hard-earned trust fund payments in secret European locations, places where Michele Bachman once held dual citizenship.

Mas…Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon