Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How ju make chilaquiles for the World Cup

chilaquilesHello. Is Tia Lencha here. I haves the World Cup feber. Do ju?

Is the feber ju get from watching the World Cups and being so mad at the referees and Holland and wonder who put brujeria on Brazil, that ju want to hit the telebision with a cuchara from the kishen. But I watch the games anyways.

The only gway I can watch the games now is to drink some micheladas to make me want to hit the telebision less times. So today I tell ju how to make chilaquiles to go with the beers that ju need in order to watch the games of the third place and the finals this week.

First the ingrediens:

Brazil TV guy tries to punk Mexicans with extra-picante salsa (video)


When a Brazilian TV guy tries to prank visiting Mexican futbol fans with what he thinks is super-spicy salsa, it turns out the joke is actually on him. What’s uber picante in Brazil, tu sabes, ranks as “meh” to Mexicanos. One intended victim actually thinks Brazil-boy’s salsa is kind of “sweet.”

PREVIOUSLY ON SALSA:

Mas…Brazil TV guy tries to punk Mexicans with extra-picante salsa (video)

Brit paper explains how to eat nachos — the exotic ‘titans of trash food’

nachosukNachos are exotic foreign fare in Merrye Olde Inglaterra, so you need someone to explain how they work. We think “trash food” is British for “junk food,” but these people also call cookies “biscuits” so who knows what they mean.

Anyhow, our Limey expert’s first step to acceptable nacho eating is the purchase of Doritos. Ruh roh.

Mas…Brit paper explains how to eat nachos — the exotic ‘titans of trash food’

Hot sauce on naked foot fetishism? It’s a thing! (NSFW video)


Given the continued popularity of POCHO’s story on sexy Latinas with sexy feet (Selena Gomez = #1) and our continued coverage of all things hot and spicy, this video featuring Hot Sauce on Naked Feet was a must-publish-on POCHO moment for us. We’re not proud of that and we’re also disappointed Tabasco was as far as this guy goes. And aren’t you supposed to put sauce on someone else’s feet? The Internets are one big ball of confusion. [NSFW adult language.]

Mom feeds baby salsa to mooch burgers (photos, video)

(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO ESTATES) In a shocking file uploaded to the Internets last week, a mom in suburban Southern California has been captured on video feeding her baby hot salsa in a baby bottle in order to pay for her husband’s “picante burger” habit.

In the video, a spicy burger pusher known only as “Jack” — his true identity hidden by a grotesque disguise — rings the family’s doorbell and pretends to be religious missionary so the neighbors don’t suspect. “Do you have three minutes to talk about spicy hamburgers?” he asks burger-junkie Juan Desperado, who opens the door.

jackfrontdoor

“I have some something here I think you’ll like,” the pusher says.

Mas…Mom feeds baby salsa to mooch burgers (photos, video)

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Valentine’s Day Hot Salsa Blind Tasting Test

nolabelsalsaHola. Is Tia Lencha here. Happy Valemtines Day!

I haf the perfect parry idea. What is red and espicy and uses a blindfold? Get jur mind out of the basura (thas trash for you pochos.) Is the Valentimes Hot Sauce Taste Test. This is one test that is fun to estudy for!

What is it? Ju put numbers on little paper cups and then little bit of each of jur favorite hot sauces in the little paper cups. Ju can use Tapatio, Cholula, Bufalo, Red Rooster, what ever ju like. Then ju put a handkerchief to cover someone’s eyes and they taste. They try to guess which hot sauce is in each little cup. Fun, no?

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Valentine’s Day Hot Salsa Blind Tasting Test

Area man scores 12 cases of Sriracha, hopes to Get Rich Quick (videos)


(PNS reporting from CULVER CITY, CA) Westside entrepreneur Pico E. Sepulveda tries not to count his pollos before they hatch, but he will admit to being stoked about the profit potential of the 12 cases of Huy Fung Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce he purchased at Smart & Final Iris here Thursday morning.

“Now that the State of California has joined the City of Irwindale in cutting off the supply of America’s favorite hot sauce, the sky’s the limit on these babies,” the Mar Vista man told PNS. “When I pulled out of the store’s parking lot onto Venice Boulevard, I actually started chair dancing in my car and even broke out the maracas!” (Sepulveda’s excitement was captured by a POCHO reader who emailed us this VINE video, right)

“I got a dozen 12-count cases of the 28-ounce bottles,” Sepulveda explained, “for $35 each — for a total for $420, which I thought was good omen. This could be bigger than Bitcoins, if Bitcoins had a trailer for a video on demand download on Vimeo!”

Mas…Area man scores 12 cases of Sriracha, hopes to Get Rich Quick (videos)

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted red Chanukah Christmas Kwanzaa salsa

jarosalsaHola. Is Tia Lencha here.

Ju want to give presens to eberyone on your Chrismas list or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Reyes Magos or Chinese Year but ju are short on dinero? No worry! Tia Lencha is going to give ju recipe for to make the oven roast red salsa!

Is nice! Is a good gift for the peoples! And is easy! No like making mole for Turkey Day.

I make this salsa to give to my comadres and the lob it. They have little hearts in their eyes when they see my salsa. They eat with almost eberything. They say they fight their childrens and viejos to eat the last drops of it in the jar. Is that good. Oso, it don’t matter if the peoples are no Mexican. The peoples at my job are no Mexican and they ask me for the salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted red Chanukah Christmas Kwanzaa salsa

As the Duck Farts: El Pato demands POCHO retract ‘sketchy salsa’ story

lawyerexcerptelpatoskullsquareAn attorney who claims to represent Walker Foods, U.S. distributors of El Pato (The Duck) salsa, demanded Thursday that POCHO “retract and correct” parts of our story Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead, even though he acknowledges it is satire.

Downtown Los Angeles lawyer Robert M. Newell, Jr. also wants POCHO to “remove the contrived picture showing what purports to be a bottle of El Pato Salsa Picante bearing a skull and crossbones,” adding that the “story is puro pedo!” (The letter is below.)

Mas…As the Duck Farts: El Pato demands POCHO retract ‘sketchy salsa’ story

Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead

elpatoskullNBC reports that El Pato Salsa Picante has been withdrawn from the American market because tests found it was contaminated with lead. El Pato is just one of several Mexican salsa brands that contain the poisonous substance, according to scientists at the University of Nevada Las Vegas.

Of course, there’s no way lead is the only nasty in these little bottles. And sure enough — buried in footnotes at the bottom of the report — are the Pocho Ocho OTHER sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce:

8. The average Cholula bottle contains 10 micrograms per deciliter of the “Bacillus Botas Picudas”, an organic pathogen thought to be behind the craving for pointy  boots.

7. Habaneros chiles may be the top ingredient in El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero, but lurking at the bottom of the list are 8.8 micrograms per deciliter of “Barba Habanera,” said to be a homeopathic solution of hair scraped from Comrade Fidel’s razor.

Mas…Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead

Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) A study from Princeton University has confirmed what many have long believed: Mexicans, and Mexican Americans, do not actually know how to dance to salsa music.

A Caribbean Hispanic export, salsa is often included with more typically Mexican dance styles, like the quebradita or cumbia, but the truth, according to the study, is that Mexicans don’t actually know what they are doing.

“Salsa is, like, a Cuban thing. My family is from Denver,” one research subject complained.

“Participants in the study reported anxiety and cluelessness when attending quinceañeras and hearing Elvis Crespo or Celia Cruz music playing,” said cultural anthropology professor Dr. Anton Flemming, who was the lead researcher on the project.

Mas…Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning

Jar of Herdez Salsa Casera(PNS reporting from OXNARD, CA) Sam Fuentes is certain he and his kids would be dead today if God hadn’t intervened.

“The Lord Almighty — with a strong hand and an outstretched arm — saved us from the Grim Reaper, that’s for sure!” the Del Norte businessman and father of two told PNS. “That salsa coulda killed us, but it didn’t.”

Fuentes called the POCHO ñewsroom tipline (408-POCHO-28) to share his story.

The brush with death by salsa, his voicemail said, began Sunday morning after church when he began preparing pot roast for his children Selena, 9, and Chente, 11, who were “his” over the weekend per terms of the custody agreement with his ex-wife Evangelina.

“I got the recipe right off the Internets from the Herdez gente. I trust Herdez Salsa Casera. I have toda confianza, just like the label says. It’s Mexico’s favorite and my mom always swore by it,” Fuentes said:

Mas…Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Delicious aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

I’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha.

Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weenie ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Delicious aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mexican flag three-color salsa for El Grito

Happy Day of the Mexican Independence!

Is Tia Lencha here. Today we make a salsa that is the colors of the Mexican bandera (flag for you pochos).

Tia Lencha is all dress in her green, white, and red to celebrate El Grito, but all of her pocho and gringo friends is a little confuse. They are no in the streets today, wearing the big sombreros, fake bigotes (mustaches for you pochos), and drinking like pescados (fish for you pochos.)

This is the day for the Mexicans to celebrate 200 years free from Christopher Colombus and his amigos, and Indians turning on their own people, and diseases, and dying by the millions, and survive only to be treated like caca by the colonizers.

Thas a lot to celebrate if ju ask Tia Lencha.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mexican flag three-color salsa for El Grito

Lady Gaga’s Latino outreach money shot: New bra spurts salsa

(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Lady Gaga — on tour to promote a new album — is showing off new red hot wardrobe performance pyrotechnics designed to appeal to Latinos.

The chanteuse commissioned a special exploding salsa bra (see artist’s rendering) and will personally dispense salsa into the tacos of Latinos across the country. Part of her tour will include special mini shows at taco stands across America.

As a followup to her hit song Alejandro, beloved by Latinos because of the title, Gaga’s new single is Tapa Tetas, a play on the name of the popular salsa, Tapatio. The song deals with a spicy Latina who is trying to find her place in the world.

Mas…Lady Gaga’s Latino outreach money shot: New bra spurts salsa

Pocho Ocho fascinating hidden powers of Latino food!

Previously on POCHO:

But is that the end of the fascinating food factorama? No guey! Check out these eight other hidden powers of Comida Latina:

8. You can use beans to power a moped
7. Vegetarianism is a gateway to loose American values
6. Eating a boiled duck egg fetus cures impotence
5. You can help end world hunger by eating more, mijo

Mas…Pocho Ocho fascinating hidden powers of Latino food!

Pocho Ocho responses to &^%$#@ hot chile

Not all pochos love hot chile, but the ones that do understand that there is more than one way to respond to that too-hot picante sauce in your mouth. Here’s a list of our Top Eight:

8. Denial – It’s not that hot. Maybe you are trying to impress your old country relatives, or a date, or anyone. But you know better. It’s hot and it stings.

7. Exaggerated mouth breathing – No one has ever confirmed that breathing heavily in and out of your mouth, as though you were doing lamaze, makes the chile any less hot, but you try it anyway.

6. Drinking water – Predictable. This doesn’t help of course.  Drink milk* which does.

Mas…Pocho Ocho responses to &^%$#@ hot chile

Letter to the Editor: Thank you, organic cocks/hens as appropriate

This Letter to the Editor came in via our SUBMIT link. We’d like to hear from you, too!

Dear organic chicken or chickens (or cocks and/or hens) who were the source of the two thighs I ate last night:

Thank you for your lives.

I guess it is presumptuous to write to you since we never met when you were alive and now you’re dead and I ate you. Actually, I don’t know really know WHO to thank since it’s unclear if these were a matched set of thighs (left and right) from a single chicken or whether they were two thighs from two chickens and now that I think about it I didn’t even check to see if they were left or right and how would I know?

Mas…Letter to the Editor: Thank you, organic cocks/hens as appropriate

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa

I’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha. Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day salsa