santorum

AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.

But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.) [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from POCHO RICO) Former senator and current GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum caused a furor on this island yesterday when he said English would have to be the “main language” for the Puerto Rican Commonwealth to ever become a state.

To be fair, when Santorum told a campaign rally crowd here in San Juan that Puerto Ricans should make English the official language, he didn’t think they could understand English at all. [Mas…]

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8. Republican Party is trying to get IUDs reclassified as WMDs

7. Rick Perry is blasting Susan G. Komen for the Cure for “not being man enough” when caving in during Planned Parenthood flap

6. Rush Limbaugh plans to lose more sponsors over “slut” remark [Mas…]

With more than a dozen states and 437 delegates in play, Super Tuesday is the biggest contest of the GOP primaries since Newt Gingrich challenged Mexican Mitt Romney to a wife-off.

Mexican Mitt Romney vows to sweep today’s Super Taco Tuesday Republican presidential contest. “I will win not only the whole enchilada, but the additional taco, the rice and beans, plus the salad,” he told a rally. “And the corn or flour tortillas.”

“I am going to herd all the voters to vote for me like a herd of my chivos on my ranch. In other words, I will make sure you are herd. Herded. Whatevers! Ajua!” [Mas…]

[If you liked the video, you can now own the song. Get it on iTunes ahora! 
Mexican Mitt's  "(I Wanna Be) The First Latino President" ]

After sweeping both Arizona and Michigan –– he says it’s because the gringos won’t do it -– a certain South-of-the-Border candidate is clearing his way to “paint the White House brown!” The affable and mariachi-like Mexi-Mormon is a tough campaigner, and says he is “in it to guin it.” Mexican Mitt Romney, the Most Mexican Man in the World, wants to be the first Latino President. This is his story — in song.

[Mas…]

GAYDAR Border Sign

The Hate State of Arizona was the scene of three big stories this week:

GOP wannabe Mitt Rammane’s campaign pulled another boner as the campaign co-chair, immigrant-hating sheriff Paul Babeu, tried to explain his way out of allegations he threatened his Mexican immigrant boyfriend with deportation.

Babeu resigned from the campaign but not before Pocho Ñews Service scored a copy of his cancelled TV commercial endorsing Romney. Babeu’s endorsement noted Romney’s support for installing GAYDAR to protect the Arizona border from straight migrants, letting only attractive Gayliens cross over.

Babeu later announced he was ready for any probe of his actions, the deeper the better. [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House

by Lalo Alcaraz February 25, 2012 El Now
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We already know mummy-like AZ Gov. Jan Brewer gets absolutely unraveled whenever she’s near Pres. Barack Obama. But why exactly did she decline to attend tomorrow’s Governor’s Dinner at the White House? Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Brewer did not accept the President’s invitation: 8– They could not guarantee her a seat next to […]

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Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

by Santino J. Rivera February 23, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday,  claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.” Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera  deep into Hades to interview the Prince of […]

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Clean sweep: Santorum not pooped out yet

by Lalo Alcaraz February 8, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from THE HEARTLAND) Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum swept the nominating contests in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado Tuesday night, claiming, “My campaign is far from pooped out.” The fiercest gay-baiting candidate in recent history, Santorum now has four victories under his belt in the GOP race, more than any other closeted candidate. “People […]

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Pocho Ocho words we should banish in 2012

by Gabacho Borracho January 21, 2012 Cultura
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8. Anchor baby (noun) – Wait- this is an anti-Latino slur? FAIL. Seriously, this just makes us picture an infant so cute and fat we could use it for a boat anchor. Just chuck it in – kerPLOP! – you can drift and chug Coronas all afternoon. Do better, wingnuts. 7.  Arpaio (proper noun) – Actually, we’d […]

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Hispanic labor federation backs Romney nomination

by Comic Saenz January 17, 2012 El Now

(PNS reporting from DIXIE) The Latino Labor Association and Limpiadores Alliance today announced they are backing former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney in advance of Saturday’s South Carolina GOP primary vote. LALALA president Ed “Big Tiny” Calvados said Romney offers the best hope for Hispanics to achieve the American dream of fame, fortune and greed. “The […]

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Iowa analysis: Hatred for poor edges out homophobia, racism

by Lalo Alcaraz January 4, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Iowa analysis: Hatred for poor edges out homophobia, racism

(PNS reporting from IOWA) Hatred for the poor won in Iowa yesterday,  squeaking by second-place entry homophobia and runners-up racism and tax evasion in the hotly-contested GOP caucuses. In a stunning, almost come-from-behind finish, current homophobe and former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum ended the caucus vote in a number two position, rubbing up right behind […]

[Mas…]