sheriff joe

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has fallen and he can’t get up. The 80-year old remains in St. Joseph’s Hospital after falling and breaking his left shoulder on the way to lunch.

Doctors say they can fix him up better than ever:

Joe Arpaio, racist cop. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic bigot. Joe Arpaio will be that man. More racist than he was before. Hateful, senile, old.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard

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Que lastima!

Someone estole Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s identity and used his name to purchase groceries in Chicago. The Maricopa, AZ sheriff, unlike the pochodores here in the POCHO ñewsroom, was not amused.

We have a lot of things we’d like to purchase with Sheriff Joe’s moneh, and here are the top eight:

8. Taco USA by POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano
7. ¡Ban This! by POCHO Florida Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera
6. 2013 Good Luck Cartoon Calendar by POCHO Jefe Lalo Alcaraz

Mas…Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard

Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The 10-year-old at Frank Elementary School in Guadalupe who got arrested Tuesday learned a valuable lesson about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and celebrity deputy Steven Seagal:

Don’t fuck with them.

According to the sheriff’s office, the boy had planned to beat one of his classmates at the Maricopa County school with a Wiffle Ball® bat but ended up on the wrong end of Steven Seagal’s sealskin boots instead.

Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office detectives were called to the elementary school by officials who were learned of the plot and found the student in possession of a tattered Wiffle Ball® bat.

Mas…Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives

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Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters!

Thrill as  Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year!

Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of his greatest hits!

Smirk and snicker as CNN talking head Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who graduated from Harvard in case you didn’t know, tells those lazy DREAMers to sit up straight and quit talking or HE’S GOING TO STOP THE CAR and come back there.  Dr. Rudy Acuña sets him straight.

These were the stories that broke the ñews on POCHO in the first week of 2013:

Mas…Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives

Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang

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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has begun Operation Rosca, a massive sweep designed to cripple the Tres Reyes smuggling cartel — the Three Kings. The cartel smuggles babies in bread and traffics in incense and precious metals, according to “America’s toughest sheriff.”

Arapio became aware of the cartel, which “came from the east,” when concerned citizens flooded his office with calls about “Middle-Eastern-looking men smelling of incense” walking westward on McDowell Road in Phoenix’ Bethlehem neighborhood. Locals reported that they asked where the Latino barrio was located, which “aroused suspicious about their status.”

Mas…Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang

Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Last week, Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne proposed putting a gun in the hands of at least one kindergartner in every school and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running with the idea.

“America’s toughest sheriff” wants a grenade launcher for every student.

According to Sheriff Joe, after he puts armed posse members near schools, he will focus on arming every student with a personalized grenade launcher to “blow the living shit out of anything that even looks suspicious…like Mexicans.”

Mas…Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

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We tried to pick just one Top Pendejo of 2012 but we ended up with two, both from the Hate State of Arizona: Gov. Jan Brewja and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

The witchy woman has taken every opportunity to lie, defame, harass and impede President Obama, Mexican-American Arizonans, a woman’s right to choose, Dreamers’ rights, students’ education, a minimum level of health care for constituents, and, to keep things current, she has an A+ Rating from the NRA merchants of death.

Pigasus Joe, who only missed being thrown out of office by a slim margin in the recent Maricopa County elections, just made headlines again by vowing to parade female DUI convicts in public chain gangs. His racist enforcement of the remaining provisions of AZ SB1070 has made him particularly abhorrent to those who fight for equality and justice.

So these two pendejos will share the ignominy of our Top Pendejos of 2012 award, and here are the reasons why:

Mas…Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

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As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:

8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!

Mas…Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

Sheriff Joe gears up for tough re-election battle, reveals secret weapon

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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Arizona’s toughest sheriff, Joe Arpaio, might soon be known as Arizona’s fiercest sheriff. Arpaio is gearing up for what he expects will be the toughest of his five re-election campaigns and he is pulling out all the stops this time by revealing his alter ego, “KoKo.”

No stranger to controversy, Arpaio is facing a determined effort from immigration rights activists and the Justice Department to push him out of office but says that “KoKo” will give him the edge this time in fending off his enemies.

A ruling in a lawsuit that alleges his department violated the civil rights of Latinos is expected any day now but Arpaio says that he will weather the storm with “swag and style” the likes of which Maricopa County has never witnessed.

Mas…Sheriff Joe gears up for tough re-election battle, reveals secret weapon

I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America!

All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but because I was not born in the United States.

However, the birther movement has changed all that. If Barack Hussein Obama was able to overcome the bureaucratic spaghetti goop monster that is immigration and fake his citizenship, so can I.

Mas…I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

Hey SB1070 loser Russell Pearce, karma’s a bitch…

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Our homies at NBC Latino are reporting that Aryanzona SB1070 creator and sloppy sack of sadness Russell Pearce has lost what is hopefully his final political campaign. We at POCHO are celebrating and gloating that this racist pendejo has been taken out by a fellow Republican.

Hopefully he can join bag o’ drunken bones AZ Governor Jan Brewer at her rest home soon, and they can complain together about their Mexican adult care attendants.

See ya, don’t let Arizona hit you on the ass!

RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

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Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.

Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.

Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!

Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

AZ Gov. Jan Brewja OKs curbs on undocumented youth, apples, twigs

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer (photo, right) has signed an executive order directing state agencies to deny driver’s licenses and other public benefits to young undocumented immigrants who obtain work authorizations under the new Obama administration Deferred Action program.

She also signed executive orders dealing with undocumented children and other matters:

Fluffy Gabriel Iglesias caught Driving While Brown in Arizona

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Chicano comic Gabriel Iglesias found out first hand what it’s like to be caught Driving While Brown in Arizona.

Iglesias, who is currently on tour, was pulled over between Yuma and Phoenix in his giant tour bus (that bears his likeness and name), and his entire crew was subjected to a “papers please” search.

Iglesias said after the incident that he has “madd love” for Arizona but might paint his tour bus with Larry the Cable Guy next time around.

Click all the way through to see Gabriel’s own quote!

By way of the mas chingon Three Sonorans blog!

Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot

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He’s artificially intelligent, muy guapo with dark hair and blue eyes, plus he speaks and understands Spanish and English. He also has a new, high-profile job with Tio Sam’s U.S. Customs and Border Protection Service interviewing people crossing into Los United Estates at Nogales, AZ (photo, above.)

What’s he missing aside from a body and an analog existence? This poor robovato needs a name; right now his bosses just refer to him as the AVATAR (Automated Virtual Agent for Truth Assessments in Real-Time.)

Here are the Pocho Ocho names we like best:

8. Mex Headroom
7. C3 Pito
6. Will Robinson

Mas…Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot

Joe the Plumber: Shoot the damn Canucks and ask questions later!

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(PNS reporting from the HATE STATE OF ARIZONA) Samuel Wurzelbacher – known to most Americans as simply “Joe the Plumber” or “dumbass” – made an recent appearance at a fundraiser for Republican Arizona State Senator candidate Lori Klein and shocked the audience by telling them that the way to solve the country’s illegal Canadian immigration problem is to station troops along the northern border and have them “start shooting the damn snowbacks.”

“For years I’ve said, you know, put a damn fence on the border going to Canada and start shooting. I’m running for Congress and that should be a bad thing to say. But you know what, it’s how I feel…I want my borders protected, I’m very, very adamant about that. I’m sick of these snowbacks sneaking in here illegally!” Wurzelbacher said.

Mas…Joe the Plumber: Shoot the damn Canucks and ask questions later!

Xican@ Space Odyssey: Lance Liberty reports for 101.3 Honest Radio

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It is sometime in the near future.

Laws have been set in motion to protect the American Homeland. Your freedom and sanity are at stake. Oh, and your jobs.

I forgot about your jobs. And your beautifully domesticated wives and children. You pay your taxes, yet you feel one-upped. Lied to. I know. I have a mortgage and a timeshare I haven’t paid in months. Meanwhile our lazy neighbors to the south consume our resources. But there’s no need to fear. No longer do we have to sit in Victoria’s Secret as our wives are gawked at by gang-banging border hoppers. No. Victoria is just beyond the horizon. And one man risks it all in his comfy radio studio located somewhere in the Arizona desert.

That man is Lance Liberty for 101.3 Honest Radio. Take it away, Lance…

Mas…Xican@ Space Odyssey: Lance Liberty reports for 101.3 Honest Radio

Ñewsweek: Lopez vs Arpaio, ‘Dark Knight’ toon and Comic-Con pics

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It was the best of ñewsweeks, it was the worst of ñewsweeks. It was a week of wisdom, it was a week of foolishness.

  • The Best: On HBO, George Lopez told Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio WTF he really thinks of him and the offended officer challenged the comic to a face-to-face discussion of the issues.
  • The Worst: The Aurora shooting raised a bat signal for gun control.

We’ve got the uncensored Lopez/Arpaio videos, the Lalo Alcaraz ‘Dark Knight’ cartoon that went viral and Comic-Con photos you won’t see anywhere else.

But wait, there’s more!

Mas…Ñewsweek: Lopez vs Arpaio, ‘Dark Knight’ toon and Comic-Con pics

Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Mitt Romney’s list of potential vice presidential running mates is now down to three finalists, campaign insiders report:

  • Wei Chen, Chengdu, Sichuan, China
  • Sadashiv Gupta, Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
  • Ester Ramirez, San Antonio, San Miguel, El Salvador

All three offer various strengths to Romney.

Highly energetic Wei Chen is currently employed at the Foxconn plant in Chengdu, and makes iPads, although he has never seen the complete product.

“I wake up, go to work for 14 hours, then I go back home and go to bed, wake up and do it again,” says Chen, 25. “Being Mitt Romney’s running mate would be a welcome change to my schedule, and perhaps stifle my thoughts of suicide.”

Mas…Mexclusive: Romney’s VP short list is now down to three names

Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’

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(PNS reporting from DITTOSTAN) Just a day after revealing that The Dark Knight Rises villain ‘Bane’ is actually Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh has uncovered  even more insidious left-wing propaganda in the eagerly-anticipated film:

The movie, Limbaugh told his radio audience, is part of the Kenyan Socialist media conspiracy and President Obama is “The Darkie Knight.”

“Friends, I am sitting here today in the EIB studio and I have to tell you, I am really, really, realllllly high. Have you guys seen this movie, what’s it called? Yeah, The Dark Knight? Wow…just wow…folks, it’s a real liberal whammy, OK? Uncle Rushbo is giving it to you straight here – I’ve seen the darkie knight and his name is Obama. Hang on a second, folks, I have to play with myself again,” Limbaugh said during yesterday’s program.

Mas…Shocking Rush Limbaugh claim! President Obama is ‘The Darkie Knight’

Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio launches own tequila brand

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(PNS reporting from BOCADECACA, AZ) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arapio is launching his own brand of tequila, Arpaio Viejo, he told random diners at Gallego’s Mexican Cafe here yesterday.

“I demand high standards for my office and my tequila,” Arpaio told the restaurant full of retirees from states that aren’t Arizona. “I was dissatisfied with the other options on the market, and at my favorite Mexican restaurant, so I decided to create my own.”

Arpaio’s brand will offer the traditional tequila styles of  añejo, plata, and reposado — but that’s not all.

“Later in the year we introduce my super-premium line, called Arpaio Viejo 1070, aged 10 years in mesquite wood barrels in the desert, and then wrapped in pink chonies for seven more years of additional tempering.  You know it’s ready to drink when you pull the cork and instead of breathing, it whimpers.” Arpaio said.

Mas…Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio launches own tequila brand

Pocho Ocho worst possible summer vacation destinations

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School’s out, summer’s in. Where you going for vacation? Huh? We asked you a question!

OK then.  Be that way. Two can play that game. Here’s our list of the Pocho Ocho worst possible vacation destinations:

8. Community service. Were you volunteered? Court-ordered? Did your mom rope you into it? Whether it’s babysitting bratty kids at church or painting over graffiti-ed walls that will be covered in new graffiti by the next morning, there’s nothing quite like serving your community.

7. The public pool. Why such a drag? Probably because it’s about 60% chlorine and 40% other peoples’ urine. Swim away!

6. Your family’s rancho in the old country. No running water, no AC, no TP, you may not speak the language, no TV, no Internet, your relatives laugh at you behind your back — or to your face — and you have no escape until your parents come back for you.

5. Sleeping under a cactus with your tío. What? Do Mexicans not do that anymore?

Mas…Pocho Ocho worst possible summer vacation destinations

Ñewsweek: Joe vs girl, Mitt vs you, Adidas steps in it, CT OKs MM

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Happy End of Slavery Day. Enjoy your new shackles!

Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio tried to save his flailing career with an arrest of a six-year-old cartel leader, GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney totally tripped over his tootsies again, the Nutmeg State joined the future for lonche with the approval of Medical Menudo (MM),  Adidas stepped in it big time with their slavery-themed sneakers and Facebook gave everyone a new finger.

These POCHO stories broke the news this week. We’ve got the links and more:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Joe vs girl, Mitt vs you, Adidas steps in it, CT OKs MM

Sheriff Joe arrests six-year-old girl suspected of leading cartel

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Cártel de Elmo de Los Cookie Monster Ganga is notorious for its brutal den and kitchen invasion robberies according to Arpaio

(PNS reporting from SESAME STREET) On the same day that President Obama announced an immigration policy that will make it easier for young undocumented immigrants to remain in Los United Estates, Arizona’s numero uno douchebag, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, announced the arrest of a six-year-old girl suspected of leading the infamous Cártel de Elmo de Los Cookie Monster Ganga.

The Arizona Bugle reported that the girl was with 15 other cartel members who were traveling to the Midwest and northeast United States. Also arrested: Big Bird, Mr. Snuffleupagus, Prairie Dawn, Curly Bear, Bert, Grover and Guy Smiley. According to Chris Hegstrom, spokesman for the Sheriff’s Office, this is the “single biggest cartel bust” in Maricopa County history.

And even though the girl was old enough to get arrested, she was not old enough to have her name released, according to Hegstrom. “This is huge for us and for Joe – just huge. Arpaio is an expert when it comes to sleuthing dangerous things…like children and phony birth certificates.”

Mas…Sheriff Joe arrests six-year-old girl suspected of leading cartel

Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho unsolved mysteries

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Now that  Sheriff Joe Arpaio has evidence there’s something uppity with Pres. Barack Obama’s birth certificate, what’s next on his unsolved mysteries list?

8.  Star Trek crewmen in red shirts who die early in the episode are also wearing pink chonies, but the Liberal Hollywood Establishment covers this up.

7. Every time you install a solar energy panel, a Texas oilman dies.

6.  Wonder Bread actually builds bodies in 11 different ways but they won’t tell you that because those people want you to eat bread with stuff in it, like grains.

Mas…Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho unsolved mysteries

Meet the Latinos who love Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio

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On Sunday, newsman Jorge Ramos confronted Sheriff Joe Arpaio on Univision’s Al Punto and told Joe he was the face of racism to U.S. Latinos.

The much-maligned Maricopa County cop wouldn’t have any of that. “How do you know they don’t like me?” he asked. “They love me!”

It’s really true, because we found a lot of Latino love for Sheriff Joe Arpaio everywhere we asked.

Mas…Meet the Latinos who love Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio