(PNS reporting from GLENDALE, CA) Documents released today confirm that top GOP officials conspired to kill the sale of Hostess snack foods to Mexico’s baked goods behemoth Grupo Bimbo. Critics are blasting the Republicans for the scheme which resulted in Hostess Brands officially closing today after 82 years.
Grupo Bimbo, which is alive and well, boasts more than $10.7 billion in annual sales and owns such brands as Entenmann’s, Sara Lee, Boboli, Orowheat, Thomas’ English Muffins and the Mexican snack food favorite giant Marinela.
The news of Hostess Brands’ demise has resulted in injuries across the nation as Black Friday shoppers, college students and stoners loot snack cake aisles for the last boxes of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, CupCakes, HoHos and other treats necessary for their existence.
Survivalists in Utah, Idaho and Arizona are also hoarding Twinkies, which have been called the “Post-Apocalypse Superfood” as they boast a shelf life of more than 100 years and are mostly composed of preservatives and petroleum byproducts.
More than 1000 documents posted on the TwinkieLeaks website this morning paint a sordid picture of a Republican Party convinced that the sale of America’s favorite snack foods to Mexico would devastate true believers still reeling from the re-election of Barack Obama as President.
“Wonder Bread is the last thing White America can call its own,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner in one email. “If we let Hostess fall into Mexican hands, the whole Midwest would be hurled into a despair of ‘Walking Dead’ proportions.”
More than 70% of the emails focused on the political snack cake cliff that would result in having America’s favorite treats sold to Mexico on the eve of Thanksgiving.
“If we can’t kill the Bimbo sale, let’s delay it until after Thanksgiving,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “I can get the Paris Peace Talk and Hostage Crisis boys on this ASAP! If you want me to put together and Arms for Hostess deal, let me know, LOL.”
Republican strategist Karl Rove, however, was so opposed to the sale, he declared, “You’ll have to pry my Ding Dong from my cold dead hands before I let Dolly Madison cross the border.”
“Normally, these are things we approve of,” wrote failed Presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney in one email, “There’s nothing I would like more than to outsource more American jobs, but we must kill this deal by any schemes necessary, even if it means violating NAFTA!”
“On the other hand,” Romney continued. “If Hostess dies, it will cost 18,000 American jobs, and I’m cool with that.”
Former President George W. Bush expressed his love for Hostess snacks, and said that the company’s founding family was a model of American business values, which include extortion, union-busting, price fixing and murder.
The only Republican who appeared to favor the deal was former Pennsylvania Representative Rick Santorum, who said, “I’m sure I could get just as much pleasure out of a Mexican Twinkie as an American one. Oh, you’re talking about the snack food? Never mind. Wrong thread.”
Reaction from Mexico to the news was mixed, as many Mexicans feel that Bimbo’s products, which include south of the border favorites Gansitos and Choco Roles, are superior to American snack foods.
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Nonetheless, the sale of Hostess to Bimbo would have been a boon to the Mexican petroleum industry.
Grupo Bimbo CEO Daniel Servitje Montull said he was saddened by the news of Hostess Brands’ demise.
“We reached out to save our friendly amigos to the north,” said Montull in a statement released today, “but it is clear they preferred to cut off their own Twinkies to spite their face rather than to accept a fair business deal.”
“We will do everything we can to ease this crisis,” said Montull. “We will hire back as many of their 18,000 Mexican workers as possible. We will buy up as many of their assets as we can. And will do everything we can to resist referring to this victory as ‘sweet.'”
Montull also said he would help prevent a snack food crisis by airlifting Gansitos, Choco Roles, Pingüinos and Submarinos to key stoner states such as California, Oregon, Hawaii, New York and Colorado.
Insiders report that the demise of Hostess clears the path for Bimbo’s new product, “Juanderbread.”
The Hostess Crisis began earlier this month when talks between company management and the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM) broke down, resulting in a crippling labor strike.
BCTGM officials claim the union is being used as a scapegoat by Hostess management, who had emailed employees that they would start firing 18,000 people if President Obama was re-elected.
Political analysts believe the death of Hostess will cost the Republicans the 2016 election and will awaken the anger of the last remaining pocket of white voters, known as the “Toking Giant.”
Cheech and Chong were unavailable for comment.
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