Heavy-Ass Ñews: U.S. is losing ‘War on Weight’ to Mexico

by Victor Payan on July 12, 2013 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

pauldeenmanteca(PNS reporting from MEXICO) In news that sent copious ripples across the border belt, a study released this week reports that Mexico has surpassed the U.S. as the fattest country in the world.

The revelation infuriated Republican leaders, who saw it as another sign that America is losing its leadership edge in the international arena.

“First Mexicans take our jobs, and now they’re taking our fat!” said FLA Gov. Rick Scott, who fears the change will decimate the state’s thriving Gluteoplasty industry.

“This news takes the cake! We’re not going to take this sitting down,” said Scott.

Scott also encouraged Americans to eat more funk food, soda and processed foods to regain the U.S. role as a super-sized superpower.

Scott said he has contacted the new owners of Hostess Snack Foods, asking them to rename Twinkies, which will return to store shelves later this month, as “Freedom Fingers.”

Arab news outlet Al Jazeera warned that the imperialist U.S. diet has caused a massive increase in Mexican obesity and predicted the American diet will turn Mexico into a “giant waistland” if the trend is not reversed.

In response to the news that Al Jazeera is operating South of the Border, the U.S. launched drones into Mexico to locate what it is calling a “Sleepy Mexican Cell” of Mexi-Muslim terrorists.

The speed at which Mexicans have made the change from a diet dominated by maize and beans to one that bursts at the seams with processed fats and sugars poses one of the greatest challenges to public health officials.

Officials at the Ministerio Mexicano de Salud Mas o Menos (MMDSMM) have launched a new “Cinco de Mayo” campaign encouraging Mexicans to limit the use of mayonnaise on their tortas to five ounces, without which, they say, there “will be a Mayannaise Apocalypse!”

MMDSMM Spokesman Daniel Panza also claimed the Paula Deen Manteca brand of lard (photo) helped tip the scales on Mexican obesity.  The all-you-can eat butter and buffet maven is currently on a tour of WalMart stores in Mexico promoting her genetically-modified manteca.

The increased penetration of WalMarts into Mexico is also seen as a factor contributed to increased obesity in Mexico.

Panza said the MMDSMM will be unveiling a second new public health campaign this week, whose slogan is “If the pants don’t fit, you must not sit” — “Si los pantalos apretan, pues ponte a caminar, güey” in Spanish.

Back on this side of the lado, Republican lawmakers were semi-cheered by one bit of headline food news — Taco Bell’s introduction of Rick Bayless-inspired burritos loaded with Flamin’ Hot Fritos corn chips.

It’s being introduced too late, however, to keep the United States from lagging behind Mexico in the obesity wars. “We’re bringing up the rear,” lamented House GOP Speaker John Boehner. “It’s not the time to take a load off fannies!”

In related news, U.S. officials are considering redesigning the border fence to be shorter on the theory that Mexicans won’t be able to climb as well due to their extra heft.

Photo by Lalo Alcaraz.



Laura July 12, 2013 at 11:50 PM

How does making fun of the gravitationally-challenged make this world a better place? You have eaten too much GMO corn in your tortillas or whatever it is you people eat. Try some kale and a high colonic — not necessarily at the same time. Once, when my uncle who moved to Japan — we called him “Uncle Japan” — came for a visit, he laughed at my mom — his sister — and said “In Mexico, Hamburger Help You!” If he were alive today, he’d be rolling over in his grave. Just say “Om manteca padme rum” 1000 times. You’re welcome.

Hys2pid July 14, 2013 at 3:54 PM

“Gravitationally-challenged?” Let me guess? You are fat. Don’t sweeten the blow, live up to it. Be proud of you’re lonjas!

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