Operation Wet Parachute: U.S. to drop Mexican deportees from planes

Better than catapult-based deportee delivery systems

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In an effort to “adapt to current budget realities,” the Federales of Los United Estates will begin flying deported immigrants back to Mexico and dropping them from airplanes over their home states.

This plan, dubbed Operation Wet Parachute, is the brainchild of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano who said yesterday she got the idea while making margaritas and watching the film Point Break.

Mas…Operation Wet Parachute: U.S. to drop Mexican deportees from planes

Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

Santorum? Did you ever Google his last name? I send his calls straight to voice mail.

(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday,  claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.”

Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera  deep into Hades to interview the Prince of Darkness himself  (see: not Ozzy Osbourne.) We wanted Lucifer’s thoughts on Santorum, Sarah Palin, the 2012 election and the Mayan-scheduled end of the world.

PNS: What are your thoughts about what Rick Santorum said about you?

Satan: Look, I’m a busy guy, but did I see his comments? Yes. Frankly I’m amused that he thinks so highly of himself. Every time he calls me I send him directly to voicemail and man, can that dude cry! Have you Googled his last name? Yikes! Rick has a lot in common with that Babeu guy in Arizona and believe me when I say there’s a hot date in both of their futures.

Mas…Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

Hate immigrants? Love homemade bombs? Come to Kansas!

Also questioned and released: Sacco (left) and Vanzetti

(PNS reporting from TOPEKA) Are you angry? Is your ugly truck plastered with bigoted stickers? Do you have homemade explosives at home and in your vehicle? Are you a  veteran who hates immigrants and anyone who “no-speako-the-English?”

No problemo, amigo! Come to Topeka, KS where you can park your truck full of homemade explosives next to a government building and the police will look the other way!

That’s right, friend – you can build all the homemade bombs you want (now with deadly shrapnel!) pile them in your beat-up truck and bring ‘em on down to the Kansas State building for a Ka-booming good time! Yes, you can be just like Timothy McVeigh and plot endless schemes of domestic terrorism and the cops in Kansas will just shrug their shoulders say, “Whoops…”

Mas…Hate immigrants? Love homemade bombs? Come to Kansas!

Mexico issues travel warning for Los United Estates

L.A. jails Chicanos on the slightest pretext

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In the widest travel advisory since the Zoot Suit Riots of the 1940s, the Mexican government is recommending that Mexicans avoid travel to all or parts of the United States of America.

Mexico’s State Department has warned against any nonessential travel in all of California, Arizona, Texas and New Mexico as well as the entire South, including Florida.

The advisory issued Tuesday note that Mexican citizens have been victims of offically-sanctioned governmental racism, including scapegoating, false statistics and Jim Crow-era laws. It is the first time the Mexican government listed advisories for the entire United States.

Mas…Mexico issues travel warning for Los United Estates

Uncle Sam: Be all you can be…and then get the hell out!

Hundreds of U.S. military veterans are facing banishment after serving their country. Many of them considered their military service a path to U.S. citizenship but Uncle Sam has said, “No way, José, but thanks for your blood sweat and tears!”

Honorably discharged vets that that came to the U.S. legally are being arrested and deported, according to recent news reports. Charged with infractions like writing bad checks and possession of marijuana they get deported faster than you can say, “Show me your papers, Sergeant!”

Mas…Uncle Sam: Be all you can be…and then get the hell out!

S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour

Self-interview AND self-photograph!

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Ace Pocho Ñews Service contributor, author and hardcore poet (Demon in the Mirror and Amerikkkan Stories) S. J. Rivera sat down to talk to himself about his Self-Deportation Book Tour and what it’s like to have a book signing at Guantanamo Bay.

PNS: Your new book is AmeriKKKan Stories (Hardcore Poetry) – is it a Klan book or…?

S. J. Rivera: Yes and no. Actually there’s a very true story in there about the time I ran a guy over with my car. His name was Donny and I hit him on purpose because he may or may not have been in the klan(Hi, Donny!)  There’s stuff in there about redneck zen, badmouthing the government, pochismo, fat Elvis, EMS horror stories, McDonald’s Nazis – you name it, it’s in there.

Mas…S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour

Amerikkkan Stories hardcore poetry excerpt: ‘Soy Ilegal’

Since the beginning we, la raza odiada
the hated race
have been caught in the middle
just as we are now
between the fall of Tenochtitlan
and the migrant farms that feed a nation
in this modern day version of divide and conquer
1492
1942
2010
what’s the fucking difference?
we are all just a bunch of savages
pachucos y wetbacks
soy ilegal

Mas…Amerikkkan Stories hardcore poetry excerpt: ‘Soy Ilegal’

Alabama legislators to ‘import’ Canadian workers to fill jobs

Recent aerial photo shows rotting crops
(PNS reporting from DIXIE) In a move to avoid further financial ruin and humiliation, Alabama legislators are considering an unusual measure called the “Canuck Program” that would “import” laborers from Canadia to fill empty Alabama jobs.

Immigrant Mexican labor has all but disappeared from the Alabama landscape and the state has lost $10.8 billion in rotting crops and revenue.

Lawmakers desperate for solutions hope the Canuck Program will resuscitate the Yellowhammer State’s ignorant and bigoted economy.

Mas…Alabama legislators to ‘import’ Canadian workers to fill jobs

Coyote says new crop of ‘Cuban’ migrants are Mexicans

"What we do es put them on a boat or a raft"

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) The new wave of so-called “Cuban” immigrants washing up on the shores of the Sunshine State are really Mexicanos in disguise, at least according to one coyote.

In an exclusive interview with PNS, people smuggler Chivo Rodriguez says the scheme is already an open secret in Mexico and it’s only a matter of time before the whole country is singing Guantanamera!

Mas…Coyote says new crop of ‘Cuban’ migrants are Mexicans

Tucson schools ban the A-B-C’s – are the 1-2-3’s next?

Undercover lapel-cam photo: Is this John Huppenthal (arrow) waving to supporters at book burning rally?

(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Even as John Huppenthal takes a breather now that teaching the alphabet is banned in Tucson schools, his Taliban-style campaign of education purification continues in the hands of allies.

“We won’t stop with just readin’ and writin’,” they say, “so ‘rithmetic is next!”

Superintendent of Public Instruction Huppenthal told PNS why he is terrified by brown-skinned children who read books and ask preguntas:

Mas…Tucson schools ban the A-B-C’s – are the 1-2-3’s next?

Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

(PNS reporting from MIAMI) The imminent crash – later this week – of a Russian space probe scares local spiritual gurus and national experts alike. All of them fear that the death dive of the Russki rocket is a Cosmic Warning of the Mayan Doomsday, scheduled for Dec. 21. Their big brains, however, are split on ways to prevent the Beginning of the End.

“Oh it’s easy,”  one local specialist told PNS. “Just burn the candles.” Futurologist Pat Robertson’s advice is just one word: “Run!”

Russians espace commissars have predicted that fragments from the failed Phobos-Ground probe are expected to fall to Earth around Jan. 15.

What can an ordinary person do?

“Candles, definitely lots of candles,” said S.W. 46th St. curandero Alejandro “La Luz de Jesus” Sosa.

Mas…Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) As president, Rick Perry “would send troops back into Vietnam,” the Texas governor declared during Saturday’s presidential debate.

Blasting Pres. Barack Obama for letting Vietnam “just sit there,” Perry (R-TX) said the area is susceptible to a light-speed invasion from Mexican Klingons and possibly people who hate Christmas.

“Look, these people have the technology. I’ve seen it. I think the idea that we allow these Mexi-Klingons to come back into Vietnam and take over that country, with all of the treasure, both in blood and money, and uhm, one other thing, oh shit…well with all that we have spent there because this president wants to kowtow to his Borg leftist base…I think it is a huge mistake,” Perry said during the debate.

Mas…Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops