Pocho Ocho reasons ‘Hispanics’ like Conan O’Brien

Conan O’Brien’s show is more popular with Hispanic viewers than any other late-night program, the vaguely-talented host announced Monday night. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:

8. He has hair like everyone’s tio.

7. Hispanics think he is funny; Latinos don’t.

6. He has more Latino comedy writers than George Lopez did — one.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons ‘Hispanics’ like Conan O’Brien

Rush Limbaugh’s Pocho Ocho excuses for being a douchebag

Bloated talk show host and leader of the Republican party Rush Limbaugh has been abusing his broadcast microphone by viciously attacking, well, everyone, but most recently 30-year-old law student Sandra Fluke, calling her a “slut” and a “prostitute.”

He has since issued a weak apology, but his show continues to bleed sponsors and radio stations.

Here are his Pocho Ocho excuses for being a douchebag:

8. Skanks don’t get satire
7. Dennis Miller is my new staff writer
6. I jumped the whale

Mas…Rush Limbaugh’s Pocho Ocho excuses for being a douchebag

Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho unsolved mysteries

Now that  Sheriff Joe Arpaio has evidence there’s something uppity with Pres. Barack Obama’s birth certificate, what’s next on his unsolved mysteries list?

8.  Star Trek crewmen in red shirts who die early in the episode are also wearing pink chonies, but the Liberal Hollywood Establishment covers this up.

7. Every time you install a solar energy panel, a Texas oilman dies.

6.  Wonder Bread actually builds bodies in 11 different ways but they won’t tell you that because those people want you to eat bread with stuff in it, like grains.

Mas…Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho unsolved mysteries

We’ve got your Pocho Ocho cures for la cruda right here

We all know it’s coming. It’s only Thursday, but THE WEEKEND is right ahead of us — a sign post up ahead that spells PARTY. And somebody is gonna get her drink on.

If that means you, perhaps we can help with the Pocho Ocho cures for your hangover (la cruda.)

8. Menudo. In my social circles, menudo is the go–to method for scaring away that nasty cruda. The power of the Aztec gods? Meat? Corn? Who knows why, but word has it that it works.

7. More alcohol! Hair of the dog, as it were. This method is perhaps one of the oldest cures for cruda. Does it work?

Mas…We’ve got your Pocho Ocho cures for la cruda right here

Pocho Ocho props you need to be a proper Latino

Fruit hat

You know, sometimes it’s hard being Latino. You wake up, go about your day, do your business, and then people ask you where your donkey is, or whether your family is from Mexico.

And, you know, it may be that your family has been in the U.S. longer than theirs, or that no one in your family has a moustache, but why burst peoples’ bubbles with inconvenient truths like that?

So here’s a list of the Pocho Ocho indispensable Latino props — for those days that you forget you’re supposed to be a stereotype!

8. Sombrero — Don’t forget your hat, amigo!

7. Moustache — You know it does go with the sombrero, as does the poncho and/or donkey. Wouldn’t want you to leave home without it!

Mas…Pocho Ocho props you need to be a proper Latino

Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House

We already know mummy-like AZ Gov. Jan Brewer gets absolutely unraveled whenever she’s near Pres. Barack Obama. But why exactly did she decline to attend tomorrow’s Governor’s Dinner at the White House?

Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Brewer did not accept the President’s invitation:

8– They could not guarantee her a seat next to the open bar

7– She’s going to be busy looking for heads in the desert

6– Sunday night is when she soaks her skin in formaldehyde

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House

Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

In Hollywood, they say, Oscar is king. So why didn’t POCHO get invited to the king’s Big Night Out?

8. All the valet gigs are sewn up by Telemundo producers.

7. They only invite Hispanics with the right attitude, with good credit  and who play well with others.

6. There is an industry ban on pastel Quinceañera Tuxedos.

5. They think Mexican Mitt is a Cuban baseball catcher.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

Pocho Ocho words that should be in the dictionary

Sometimes finding the right word can be tricky, so you need to look them up. That’s why these eight pocho words need to go into the English dictionary:

8. Irregardless – That this word does not officially exist has never stopped anyone (including me) from using it. Why use regardless or irrespective when this one sounds so much better? If Sarah Palin can do it…

7. Expecially – Used to emphasize things that don’t really need emphasizing, such as “I love chocolate, expecially when it’s sweet.”

6. Libary – Often confused with library. No one really needs the second R and people will think you’re conceited if you use it. It’s still the same definition, just different a word.

Mas…Pocho Ocho words that should be in the dictionary

Pocho Ocho 90s things I wish were back that aren’t Pete Wilson

Pete Wilson (official portrait)

It looks like the 1990s are back now that former Gov. Pete Wilson (R-CA) is in the political spotlight as the new chairman of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign.

I liked the 90s, but why doesn’t good stuff come back? You know, stuff like crushed velvet and bell sleeves, Beverly Hills 90210 fashion and NAFTA. Here are the top eight things they should bring back!

8. The promise of flying cars, where are the flying cars?!

7. TV shows filled with healthy white kids with nice teeth, a la, 90210 and  Saved by the Bell.

6. Headbands, butterfly patterns, crushed velvet and choker (necklaces) — fashion!

Mas…Pocho Ocho 90s things I wish were back that aren’t Pete Wilson

Pocho Ocho words we should banish in 2012

8. Anchor baby (noun) – Wait- this is an anti-Latino slur? FAIL. Seriously, this just makes us picture an infant so cute and fat we could use it for a boat anchor. Just chuck it in – kerPLOP! – you can drift and chug Coronas all afternoon. Do better, wingnuts.

7.  Arpaio (proper noun) – Actually, we’d just like to banish this one from the government payroll, strip it down to its pink underwear and let it play where’s-the-soap for 99 to life.

Mas…Pocho Ocho words we should banish in 2012

The Pocho Ocho Spanglish words every pocho must know


8. Pants,  as in sweatpants, and it’s pronounced in Spanish, otherwise it wouldn’t count as Spanglish. Say “pontz.” These are what Richard Simmons should wear.

7. Chores, the seasonal opposite of pants, chores (pronounced: CHor-Essss), are even good to wear during the winters in most of the Southwest. Richard Simmons wears these.

6. Cornfleis,  you know, like America’s favorite good-for-you-finish-it-up cereal. Remember breakfast is the most importante meal of the day. And sometimes you get toys.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho Spanglish words every pocho must know

Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

Purse by Notagucci™

8. Aqua Net: Yeah, for hair, stupid. But I also use this for multiple things like bug spray, deodorant, and even as a substitute for glue.

7. Mazapan: Marzipan is a yummy almond-flavored treat and mazapan is a similar treat made with peanuts. Instead of eating like a horse on your date, pop one of these in your mouth to hold you, you don’t want to look like my homegirl La Piggy.

6. Morning After Pill: I know you have probably taken this within the last two months but it’s quite all right, I am a ho, too. Always be prepared, Junior does not need a little brother.

Mas…Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

Pocho Ocho cosas I found in my Rosca de Reyes

Happy Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus.

In Mexico and now all across Pocholandia, some celebrate with the Rosca de Reyes, a tasty and yeasty treat topped with butter and sugar.

Sometimes it is soaked in rum, like Tio Frankie. Baked inside is a plastic Baby Jesus figurine, which, if you get it in your slice of pan, symbolizes great fortune. And it also means you are stuck with the bill for yet another Catholic drinkfest one month later.

Below are the top eight things we have found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters! Enjoy!

8. Plastic Baby Jesus

7. One long black hair

6. Homies Doll, “Cholo Priest”

Mas…Pocho Ocho cosas I found in my Rosca de Reyes

Lalo’s Pocho Ocho New Year’s resolutions

8. Wear more slimming clothes

7. Get a new job to supplement income from five other jobs

6. Take a vacation at one of those nice FEMA camps

5. Quit drinking alcohol that doesn’t get me fucked up really fast

4. Reduce financial stress by picking up a hobby, like bank robbing, or writing a hit song

3. Start eating my 10-year supply of freeze-dried survival food

2. “Party Like It’s 2012”

And my top New Year’s Resolution for 2012:

72 dpi

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What are your New Year’s resolutions? Post them here!