Dear Abuelita: I howl like a dog in my sleep – could I be horny?

Dear Abuelita,
Early this morning while I was sleeping I thought my Jack-Chi dog Chacho was howling from his chair in the living room. (He enjoys the wing-backed chair with the mauve chenille cushion.) I called out for him to come to me. My roommate (my ex who is still legally my husband) came into my room and asked if I was OK. He told me I was the one who was howling, not Chacho! What is happening to me?
Howling into the Night

Dear Night Howler,
Aye, mija, it sounds like you’re in heat and it’s no wonder. You’ve got a dog who sleeps in a cushioned wing-backed chair and an ex (who is still legally your husband) living under your roof. The combined testosterone pollution is making you howl like a horny bitch. If you don’t do something soon you’re bound to start dragging your nalgas around on the carpet and resort to licking yourself in public.

I suggest you send the ex and Chacho out to the doggy park then invite a Sancho over to rub your belly good. Now go fetch a doggy-style bone and be done with it.
Love always, Your Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
You know how some parents put their toddlers on a leash so they won’t run into the street? I was wondering, how old is too old? I’m thinking of putting my 15-year-old daughter on one.
Sit, hija, sit

Dear Sit, hija, sit,
So you’ve got a tramp for a daughter and are worried she’ll have a mixed litter before the quinceanera. Seeing how she’s already out of control, putting her on a leash will only attract every perverted bondage bastard on the planet and before you know it she’ll be turning your den into and S&M dungeon.

Are you loco? Ditch the leash idea and rush out to have her fitted for a chastity belt. I should whip you into submission for being such a pendejo but you’d probably like it, you sick papi.
Love, Your Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I share a small workspace with a new colleague; our desks are only a few feet apart. He’s a nice dude and all, but he has the worst breath I’ve ever smelled and I’m not exaggerating. When he’s within two feet, I have to fight a gag reflex. Is there a nice way to tell him to do something about his stench mouth?
Thanks, Shut yo mouth, plz

Dear Shut yo mouth, plz,
Are you sure homeboy isn’t sitting on his head and talking out his rear end? If you haven’t tried yet, slip some Binaca in his coffee and stuff frijoles up your nose. Tell him you’ve recently become a monk and need to take a vow of silence then put up a NO TALKING sign between your desks. If boca de culo still doesn’t get the hint then get a fan and face it his direction so he knows what it’s like when his breath hits it. If all else fails, tell him that when someone says come caca it doesn’t mean you actually have to do it.
Love forever, Your Abuelita

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