Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Querida Abuelita,
I’m a 48-year-old hot-blooded Latina and pienso que I’ve finally fallen in love por la ultima vez as in I WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN! Problem is quizas I have scared him away after he hit his nerdy cabeza falling so hard for me, too. How do I hook the love of my life? Por favor, I’m tired of praying to baby Jesus, just help me with your wise words…
Fallen Hard

Dear 48 and Failing Hard (I mean, Fallen Hard),
I don’t blame the off-balance nerdy vato for running. Do you have any idea how desperate you sound? Forty-eight, in love por la ultima vez, want to marry the guy, praying to baby Jesus? Hiljole madre, just reading your woes makes me want to hit my cabeza with a full can of cerveza.

I’ve got news for you chica, at your age it’s more likely you’re having a hot flash so don’t confuse it with being hot-blooded. If you haven’t been able to hook a man yet then it’s time to toss in the hand towel you keep on the nightstand and join the spinster sect. You don’t need a man, get yourself a cat or ten and call it a day.
Love, Your Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I am a Mexican male in my thirties and I think I am gay. I heard Pat Robertson say that being gay may be due to demonic possession. Can you tell me where I can the go to chase el diablo out of me?
Muchas Gracias, Confundido

Dear Confundido:
Como que, you think you’re gay? You either are or you aren’t and I’m willing to bet my last Tecate you are. What kind of Mexican are you anyway listening to Pat Robertson? You should be listening to Walter Mercado. Listen mijo, you’re past 30 and still afraid of being possessed by el diablo. What a waste! You don’t need an exorcism, a good lavativa and a hell-raising night out on the town with the boys will set you straight on being gay. Now get OUT there and start living.
Love, Your Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I’ve been dating my boss for three months. He loves me. I don’t love him. BUT, I love my job. Help! I want to break up with him but I don’t want to lose the best job I’ve ever had. What’s the play?
Thanks, Lay-chick to Pay-check

Dear Lay-chick to Pay-check,
Are you sure it’s you he loves not the jobs you have been giving him? I don’t know the “play” but I can give you the score and it’s looking like BOSS 1 – SLUTTY EMPLOYEE 0. Zero as in what your paycheck is going to look like when he’s on to the next office worker flavor of the month. Que piensas, mensa? Did you think all the OT you were putting out would get you a corner office? All this is going to get you is a pink slip and I don’t mean a sexy gift from your boss. FYI – when a boss asks you to take dictation it means he wants you to transcribe what he’s saying.
Love, Your Abuelita

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