Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

Dear Abuelita,
In elementary school they used to make us sing a song “Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house to we go. The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and drifted snow!” Huh? Both my abuelas died before I was born so I never met them but I know for damn sure they were never near a pinche snow sleigh! Why do they make us sing songs about someone else’s family?
Signed, Estranger in Estrange Land

Dear Estranger,
I won’t toss a chancla at you for not knowing that song was written by un chingona who opposed slavery over a hundred years ago. Instead I’m going to crack a wooden spoon over that cabeza dura of yours. FYI, I’m running low on chanclas. I wear a size 9.

Don’t believe me about the author of the white snow sleigh ride song? Check it out and learn something instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself because your abuelas decided to check out before you were born.

Since we’re on the subject of not being able to identify with a black and white world, your Dear Abuelita has been known to dabble in colorful songwriting. As a matter of fact, I happen to have a version of Over the River (y que madre) I know you can relate to. Here it goes:

Over the L.A. River and through the hoods to abuela’s house we go.
The ranfla is hot, we nearly got shot and la juda is far away.

Un abrazo, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
Because I am a registered Democrat in the state of Florida, I was worried the governor would block me from voting. So I decided to change my voting card to ‘no political affiliation’ but now I’m afraid I might get put in a concentration camp. What should I do?
Signed, Lefty in Lauderdale

Dear Lefty in Paranoiaville,
First things first – PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE. Second, go in the kitchen and make a tin foil beanie. Wear it when watching TV to protect that Florida humidity fried brain of yours from the right-wing political propaganda aimed at it. Make sure you wear it shiny side out. Then grow some bolas and stop buying into their caca.

If I were you, I’d be more afraid of being eaten by a alligator or getting run over by a viejito on the street instead of worrying about being locked up in a concentration camp. You’re loco in the coco. No me friegues.
Love, Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
The people at the so-called health food grocery store are determined to drive me crazy. The way they lay out the shelves and what they put where makes no sense. Peanut butter should be near the jelly, right? We all agree. Call me crazy, but pasta should be near the pasta sauce. All in favor? And K-Y® Brand Jelly should be near the gourds, squash and pumpkins, it’s that’s simple. Yeesh. Pinche corporate tools.
Signed, Whole Foods Frustrated

Dear Whole Fool,
Don’t you know by now that those stores are for people who have no sense and more dinero than they know what to do with? I went to one of those frou-frou markets and nearly had a brain hemorrhage just from trying to buy a dozen huevos.

There were brown huevos, white huevos, organic huevos laid by cage-free pollos, even huevos labeled as Omega-3/DHA. A huevo by any other name is still a huevo as far as I’m concerned. I can’t be bothered by chingaderas like that.

Stop trying to impress people with the fancy market grocery bags you take your lunch to work in. We all know you really shop at the 98 Cents and Up store.

BTW, K-Y® Brand Jelly should be kept within arms reach of the bed at all times.
Affectionately, Tu Abuelita


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