Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I”m always on a diet but never lose weight. Should I give up on love forever?
Signed, Sad Gordita

Dear Gordita,
Don’t give up on love, lose the pinche diets instead. Let your longa free and love will follow.

You just need to know where to look. There are plenty of chubby chasers out there. I see good looking physically fit men with super duper size gorditas at Hometown Buffet all the time.

I don’t know what the secret is – it could be brujerias, blackmail, or they’re posing as beards for closet homosexuals – quien sabe? All I know is those gordas always have a big smile on their face – OK, maybe they’re just holding in pedos from wearing leggings three sizes too small.

Either way, who says only flacas find love?
Lovingly, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I’m a boy and in the fourth grade in elementary school and while peeing in the restroom I realized that my pee-pee is bigger than all of the other boys. I was wondering, is it because I’m Latino????
Signed, 23 M California

Dear 23 M California,
Is this a trick question? The math doesn’t add up. Either you’re trying to pull Dear Abuelita’s varicose vein-ridden leg or you’ve been held back in the fourth grade for the past 14 years.

Of course your pee-pee is going to be bigger than that of a nine-year old – you’re 23. This has nothing to do with your being Latino but it does have everythng to do with you being a pendejo.

In closing, stop looking at little boys in the bathroom you pinche pervert.
Watchate, Tu Abeula


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