Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

Dear Abuelita,
What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act.

Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries.
Signed, Aye Voted

Dear Nowhere Near Being PC,
I’m drinking my medicine. It helps me see things clearly and loosens up my middle finger – which I am raising at the screen this very moment.

Hispanics?! Where are you from that you use such offensive terminology? Negrito?! No one uses that word anymore, let alone use it in reference to the President. Not even the modern version of Loteria has El Negrito on the playing cards. Although, it’s still okay to name your perro Negrito, Blackie or Prieto. That’s different.

MITT ROMNEY! I should toss my entire collection of chanclas at you.

You talk of the Dream Act, well just knowing tontos like you are allowed to vote – gives me nightmares, period!

Do us all a favor and time travel back to 1970s and stay there.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita, 
My triplet daughters (thank you, Virgin Mother, for blessing us) are now ready for their quinceaneras. Short of their early marriage and bringing more babies into the family, I can’t think of a more important event to celebrate in their lives.

Of course Jose works two jobs while I stay home and make the tortillas, but it will cost us $30,000 to celebrate this most holy and sacred occasion for all three of them.

We should borrow the money, and worry about paying it back later, because God always provides, si? They will only come of age once in their lives, and it would be sinful not to celebrate and sacrifice, no?

Please advise, because some of my gringo neighbors just don’t understand how much we need to spend on what they call a “party.” May God have mercy on their cultural ignorance, gracias for your advice, and vaya con Dios.
Signed, Tied to old traditions and new debt in San Fran

Dear Dark Age Mama,
God has nothing to do with quinceaneras. Is God going to pay for the damage caused by the fight that’s bound to break out on the dance floor? Is God going to forgive you for not living in the 21st Century? NO!

Quinceaneras are an archaic tradition of offering up your newly menstruating daughter to a bunch of cochinos. Is that really what you want to do?

Seeing how you’re so intent on pimping out your mijas why don’t you hold an auction instead. Three 15-year-old daughters should bring in un chingo de dinero. Me da asco.
Love, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
We feel as if we know you from somewhere, you seem so familar, and yet we only get your responses to questions we send in. Aye! We have a million questions to ask. Your responses seem to indicate a lack of an abuelo in the casa. What happened? And what of your children, and grandchildren? Did Tecate pay you drink their beer in your photo? Flour or corn?
Love, A fan

Dear Twenty Questions,
I seem familiar to you because I am the epitome of todas las abuelitas. La gran puta madre, tu sabes.

There is an abuelo in my house. Well, actually, there is about half an abuelo in my house. Years ago I knocked over the urn with his ashes during a wild orgy. It was murder trying to get all of the ashes out of the shag rug. Did I say murder? I mean, he died of natural causes from being such a good-for-nothing player. Naturally, someone did him in. Even after he’s gone the cabron has me picking up after him.

Mis hijos and hijas have all run off and joined the circus. Took my nietos with them. I gave birth to a bunch of freaks, I tell you. I get pictures from time to time but can’t tell if the bearded lady is actually one of my sons or daughters. I’m not even sure if those are my grandchildren in the photos or impostor midgets. Why you go and make me think of them?

Good question about being paid for drinking Tecate. I haven’t seen un pinche centavo. If I had a nickle for every 40oz can I’ve downed over the years I’d be living in Montebello high on a hill overlooking the mall. Classy, que no?

Flour works better than talcum powder on private parts during hot days. I haven’t had a corn in a while. My toes are looking pretty good these days now that I have a sancho who likes sucking on them.

I have answered your questions – now, no me chingues.
Love, Tu Abuelita

 

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