Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

Dear Abuelita,
OK so I went to this internet dating site and filled out this long questionnaire about my inner feelings and wants and desires and what are my values and what is important to me and all that and still I get no replies from the chicas I email. I will be out in eight months and then under home detention so these girls know I can’t run around on them. What am I doing wrong?
Signed, 098765433456789

Dear 098765433456789,
Obviously you haven’t heard of FirmeHynas.com because that site is filled with locas who love jailbirds. You’ve got better odds finding a mate on this dating site than you have coming out of the pinta with you sphincter intact.

Those homegirls are desperate for love and will beat down their own daughter or mother for a man. You want true love – they’ll give you their undivided devotion con dedications on the radio even.

Another thing – these rucas are not young or fit, and are bien fea but who are you to ask for anything more. You are in no position to be picky.

Tu Abuelita just did a quick browse for you and LilSpooky69 is available. A little heavy on the Aqua Net but, overall, not too bad. Dale chansa, check her out, ey!
Con carino, Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
Your photo looks so familiar, I swear I know you. Were you at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967 and do you remember meeting a kid from Oakland after Jimi Hendrix’s performance ended? Someone who talked to you about The Who and the magic of patchouli oil? Someone you led by the hand to a secluded area behind the light towers and screwed like there was no tomorrow? Samantha I miss you so!
Signed, Blast from the Past

Dear Blast from the Past,
Orale, are you still tripping on LSD? You’ve got me confused with someone else. I was On The Road Again with Canned Heat at the Fantasy Fair and Magic Mountain Music Festival the week before you say we screwed. Besides, why would I want to mess with a greñudo chavalon concert-goer like you when I had my pick of manly rock stars. Sorry, the summer of this abuelita’s love making did not include you. Cabron, don’t be spreading rumors.
P.S.: Call me later

 

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