Dear Abuelita: Sexting, white-washed Chicana, July 4 fireworks

Dear Abuelita,
What is the deal on “sexting”? Do guys really think a low-res cam-phone photo of their junk will make me swoon with desire?

Take me to a gallery opening or a new artisan bakery or something dick-less, por plis.

If I judged boys by dick pics, my dance card would be filled with Stiff, Vein-y and Ugly. And that means you, Eduardo. Stop it!
Signed, Just an old-fashioned girl, I guess

Dear Old-Fashioned Whiner,
Let’s be honest, we all know you swoon over the low-res cell-cam photos. I’d even bet your cell phone is set on vibrate and kept tucked in your chonies, cochina.

I know your type – you’re one of those girls who expects to be wined and dined before she gets reclined. That’s so passe. No one dates anymore. Who has the money to take someone out just to try to get into their calzones?

Times are tough. You’re lucky these boners are even wasting data usage on you.

Be glad you get pics before having to come face to face with the Stiff, Vein-y and Ugly junk.

Sexting is the sign of the times, so get with it!
Give Eduardo my number, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I have never looked like other Latinas. I’ve always been thinner, never shaved my eyebrows, and I, in general, have a very different look.

My own gente reject me for more voluptuous women, the blacks like them thick, and the whites are looking for darker-skinned females. I feel I will never find love, and am sick and tired of being called a white-washed Chicana. What do I do?
Signed, I Swear I Am Mexican in Stockton

Dear Colonized Chicana,
What’s with all the generalizations, blacks like them thick, whites are looking for darker-skinned females and the gente want voluptuous women?

Before you do anything, pull that non-Mexican looking cabeza out of your nalgas and wash off the Central Valley caca mentality.

Pack your bag and hit Interstate 5. Take your different-looking unibrowed thin self to a big city where no one knows who’s who or what’s what. You’ll blend right in.
Con respeto, Not your average Abuelita

So tonight are the fireworks — and let’s face it — the gunshots for July 4th. For mi perro Raul, this is the worst night of the year, even beating out New Year’s Eve.

The minute the red rockets begin to glare and the bombs start bursting in air, this hefty St. Bernard/Golden Retriever mix wants to jump into my arms like he’s still a little puppy. He weights 120 pounds.

Short of going out of town or locking myself in the bathroom with the poor darling and running the shower to block the noise, how can I keep the situation more mellow?

Also, what are you wearing right now?
Signed, My flag is still there

Dear Red Flag,
I’m pretty sure your perro, Raul, is more traumatized from the experience of having to take a shower with you. Isn’t there a law against that sort of thing?

You say he’s a St. Bernard? Tell homeboy to crack open the keg of brandy around his neck and take a few swigs. That should calm his nervios on the Fourth of July. It may even put him in the mood for a soothing bubble bath.

My perro, Chingaowow, is a tequila-carrying Chihuahua. He and I have been doing shots all night so right now I am wearing a grin and he is wearing a Roman Candle. Who has my lighter?
Con besos y bombas, Tu Abuelita


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