Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

Dear Abuelita,
For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man that will love me, frogs and all?
Sincerely, Ribbit in Frog Town

Dear Rosie the Ribbiter,
Do you kiss your toy frogs in hopes of finding a prince? Insanity makes a person do funny things, tu sabes. This is unhealthy behavior, mija. The only man you’ll find this way is a wart-covered serial killer or a Beanie Baby collector – both equally dangerous. Time to clean house. Get rid of the girlie toys and make room for boys with adult toys.

Open an eBay account and sell your toy frogs. Invest the dinero in cases of canned cerveza and use the empties to build furniture for your cleared-out apartment. Trust me, you’ll have a man croaking in your ear before you can finish singing 99 botes de cerveza on the wall.
Love, Your abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I’m 22, in college and I live at home. I’m not making much money besides what I get for helping my dad with his business and designing the occasional website. I’m an only child and I’m female. My father is very overprotective, always has been but I can’t move a muscle without his questioning me! I don’t drink, party, smoke, ni NADA but he still treats me condescendingly. How do I get him to let me have more freedom without being disrespectful?
Signed, Desesperada in Dallas

Dear Desesperdada’s Girl,
Not only are you a boring goody dos-chanclas but you’re an ungrateful leech tambien. Instead of complaining that your daddy doesn’t let you do anything (other than allow you to live in his house rent free), you should snip the elastic on your training pants and start acting like a real college student.

Binge drink, take drugs, have experimental sex, cheat on tests and get a freaking job, you spoiled brat. I hear many college students these days support themselves by moonlighting as strip club pole dancers – maybe something to look into? That’s a sure-fire way to move a six-inch muscle. Just make sure you work on the nights your condescending father isn’t there, that sin verguenza. Come on, we all know that’s where he hangs out.
Con cariño,Your Dear Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I’m long overdue for a new smartphone, Abuelita, and I need it to sync with my address book in Microsoft Outlook. Only two choices I know of: Blackberry (currently have) with Verizon or the new Nokia Lumia 900 with AT&T. Do you have AT&T and how is the reception in your area?
Signed,Not So Smart Phone

Dear Not Very Smart Phony,
You really think I care about your idiota phone options? Let me tell you something, in my day we didn’t need to carry a phone around with us 24/7. If someone died while we were gone we had to wait to get home to hear the news or find their body in person. No 9-1-1 y que madre. Puro hard core to the max.

Nothing but a bunch of tonterias, nonsense, is all I hear every day no matter if it’s at the spa when I’m getting my wax or in line at the liquor store picking up another 40 oz, No one wants to know you got laid last night or that the new chick you’re seeing looks like a porn star, que mamón. We especially don’t need to hear fake business deals, yea, like you play with the sharks…losers!

Toss the technology in the trash and get yourself a carrier pigeon. Much more romantic. Personally, I use smoke signals.

Light ’em up, holmes, I need to reach my comadre down the block!
Lovingly,Tu abuelita

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