Dear Abuelita: Dyeing for love, men and toilet seats, do I look fat?

Dear Abuelita,
My question is simple: Should I dye my hair black? I am starting to get white hairs and a streak in the front. My original color is black. I’m 49 so it is not premature. It just seems everyone does it until age 60 or 70, like an old lady’s right of passage, and one old aunt even said I better do it quick before my fiance decides not to marry me!
Socorro, Socorro! Mis pelos estan cambiando plata

Dear Mix ‘n’ Match Carpet and Drapes,
It’s preguntas like this that make me want to pull the white pelos off your cabeza with my bare hands. What’s wrong with white hair? George Washington didn’t dye his hair and Martha married him anyway. Any fiance who would dump you over a few canas isn’t worth your time.

I don’t care if you’re already beyond your years as a catch. I hope you’re not planning on wearing white for your wedding. Sin verguenza! But, if you must dye your hair, just remember to dye your carpet the same color.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
WTF is the deal with men and toilet seats? I had to take a tinkle in the middle of the night and once again ended up with my nalgas in the water. COLD WATER!

How can I make my man put the toilet seat back where it belongs?
Signed, A New Kind of Wetback

Dear Mojada,
Have you ever thought of the flip side to all this toilet seat up or down business? Would you rather he keep the seat down? Mensa, look where you’re sitting. You wouldn’t sit blindly on a patch of nopales, would you?

In other words, don’t blame your man for your lazy nalga dip. Maybe he thinks you’re seca and this is his way of getting you back into bed with your roast beef sandwich au jus.
Heading to Philippe’s now, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
Riddle me this! Is there a correct answer to the eternal woman’s question “Does this outfit (pants, skirt, whatever) make me look fat?”
Signed, I Cannot Tell A Lie

Dear Honest Juan,
Yes, there is a correct answer and I’ll do you un gran favor by sharing it.

Here you go: Next time a woman asks you if her outfit makes her look fat say “NO!”

But say it like this: “No, it’s the longa you’re squeezing into a two-sizes-too-small outfit that makes you look like Jabba the Hut” then run like hell and don’t look back.
May La Fuerza be with you, Obi Juan Abuelita


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