Tonight will be like no other. Tonight, The Donald welcomes you into his Trump Towers penthouse. This is a place you have been before, but those nights have been for seduction and romance. Tonight is different. Tonight is about love.

You know this to be true.

Shortly before seven o’clock, you will receive a text from me reading “You have a surprise downstairs” followed by three emoticon hearts. No more. No less

Your mind will be ablaze with questions. “What could this surprise be?” might be one of those questions. “What kind of sexy situation has Donald arranged for me personally?” might be another. I could spend all night accurately guessing the thoughts running through your mind because I know you girl.

I know your mind.

When you arrive to street level you will find a gleaming white motorcycle. This will be the finest motorcycle Japan has to offer. And while you may initially be concerned about your safety, there will be something about my demeanor that will put you at ease, and you will know, deep down, that I will get you to our destination safely but with enough danger that you will find the ride very erotic.

I will even have a helmet for you that will fit you perfectly. Donald is very good at estimating head sizes.

On this white motorcycle, I will whisk you away to the finest restaurant this city has to offer. The decor will be immaculate and the maitre d’ will greet me like an old friend even though we have never been in this particular place before. Our reputation and mutual fineness will precede us.

During dinner, I will ask questions about your day and we will make light, pleasant conversation. We will laugh and smile at each other’s banter. You will note how perfectly the wine I have chosen goes with the food. I will tell you how nice your hair looks. However, during dessert our eyes will lock. This is when the night will turn serious. We will no longer be laughing even though we are still clearly enjoying each other’s company. We will, instead, be looking at each other like two sexy panthers getting ready to pounce on each other but cannot because they are in a room full of people eating. The fact that we are not allowed to act on our powerful erotic feelings will only intensify them.

Damn.

However, instead of simply inviting you to my penthouse apartment, we will ride to the hottest club in town. There we will consume well-balanced cocktails, as this is what this club is known for. We will bump and grind for hours on end. We will be staring at each other with passion in our eyes and we will be moving in a way that will foreshadow our sexual skills. Our moves will be so freaky that we will be gazed upon with respect and deference.

We will now drive to a secluded hill that is known for its views of our city. We will park the motorcycle and look at the moon and hold each other. It is here that I will drop the knowledge on you that will change your life. I will look at you and say, “You…are now my one true girl.” This statement will both stun and delight you. You know the weight of it and the responsibility. However, you also know it comes with many sensual pleasures, so it will make you happy. I will read your nonverbal cues that you want to go back to my home.

We will arrive at my penthouse apartment. You will make some passing comment on how nice the apartment looks after the remodel and I will agree. Even though it took way longer than I wanted, it was, in the end, worth it.

I will take your hand and lead you to the living room, where I will build a fire. We will recline in front of the fire on my leopard-skin rug and sip champagne and look into each other’s eyes. I will hand-feed you a wide array of berries, some of which you may not have heard of because I had them imported from faraway lands for this very night. You will find all the berries most delicious.

I will be playing the Pandora station for Maxwell.

At this point you will no longer be able to hold back. “Take me, Donald,” you will whisper. I will take you in a variety of ways and styles. However, the recurring theme of the night will be doggy-style.

You will lose your damn mind.

The next morning our mood will be playful and gentle. I will offer you coffee with an assortment of flavored creams that you can choose for yourself. I will also offer a Denver Omelet. However, if you wish to have eggs made in another manner, all you have to do is ask. There will also be slices of avocado.

Even though neither of us wants to part, we know that it is unavoidable. We will kiss one more time and then I will close the door slowly as if it pains me to shut the door on a woman this fine.

And now, to finish up, I’d like to speak to my new one true girl directly: Girl, treat this player’s heart gently. You are my everything.