Hispanic labor federation backs Romney nomination

(PNS reporting from DIXIE) The Latino Labor Association and Limpiadores Alliance today announced they are backing former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney in advance of Saturday’s South Carolina GOP primary vote.

LALALA president Ed “Big Tiny” Calvados said Romney offers the best hope for Hispanics to achieve the American dream of fame, fortune and greed.

“The choice is obvious,” he said. “Gingrich wants to take our food stamps and ghetto language, Santorum’s trickle-down stinks and Rick Perry’s Tejano tushie will get spanked in the general election.”

“Mitt walks the walk. Take his position on jobs,” he said. “Mitt has eight houses, and if you figure a gardener and a housekeeper in each, that’s almost a dozen and a half gente off the welfare rolls and onto the payroll.”

Mas…Hispanic labor federation backs Romney nomination

America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) America pauses tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose “Tengo a Dream y Dance!” speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges take the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – are on sale all across America. Today would have been RMLK’s 34th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate among confused Latinos and Anglos alike.

Mas…America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Am I a racist because I want to date Latino guys?

During my seemingly eternal quest for love, I’ve been accused  more than once of being “racist” for mostly dating Latinos.

Part of this is totally my fault and the result of my whining and chiflazón. There’s  a misunderstanding about what motivates me and other people like me, who are interested primarily in dating other Latinos.

First and foremost, let me say that I have dated mostly pochos like me, but I’ve also dated Cubans, white men, and Asian men, finally coming to the conclusion that all men on this planet are idiots when they are in their 20s. Some of my complaints, which other Latinas share,  include:  They want to get married too soon, or they’re divorced with kids young, they’re too short, as you become more educated there are less Latinos around you, they’re scared of educated/professional women. The list goes on.

Mas…Am I a racist because I want to date Latino guys?

Week in Ñews: @MexicanMitt, bishop with kids, racist white ladies, immigrants suck

It was a big week for big news here at POCHO, where the big estory was our Mexclusive interview with new Twitter sensation @MexicanMitt, who told Pocho Ñews Service PNS “I’m in it to guin it!”

We also released the voicemail Catholic Bishop Gabino Zavala left when he told his boss the Archbishop about his secret life with a chica and two shorties.

The Racist White Ladies video (and response and apology videos) continued to amaze people who thought they’d seen everything from Arizona.

Turns out, Arizona-watchers, you ain’t seen anything, yet!

Click through for the stories and links.

Mas…Week in Ñews: @MexicanMitt, bishop with kids, racist white ladies, immigrants suck

Dear undocumented immigrants: You suck at freeloading

Damn you immigrants and your lecherous burritos!

I  hate undocumented immigrants. I spent most of the holidays on my roof, throwing used cell phones and rusty nine-volt batteries at my undocumented family members as they arrived for festive gatherings. (Tía Lupe should be out of the hospital any day now, and you better believe that ICE will be waiting to cart her away from her children.)

My hatred for the undocumented is normally on a controlled boil. However, after viewing the Racist White Ladies video, my hatred steamed up.

These classy and thoughtful young ladies made me realize that there is much more to hate about undocumented immigrants, especially the fact that they’re always walking around carrying burritos lecherously. Zing! You really nailed them on that one ladies.

How stupid are undocumented immigrants? Well, they can’t even freeload properly!

Mas…Dear undocumented immigrants: You suck at freeloading

Commie Mayan Queen of Hearts: The caption contest!*


The back story is that when Soviet linguist Yuri Knorozov deciphered the classic Mayan glyphs in 1952, a mini Mayan craze swept Red artistic circles. Propaganda subtext? Your code is not safe, comrade. A deck of playing cards was the result. Meet the Queen of Hearts, a lovely Д is for “dama” (dame or Дама) indeed. And her little chihuahua.

Write the funniest caption, win the funniest prize!

Mas…Commie Mayan Queen of Hearts: The caption contest!*

Home from my Mexican holiday, I feel like ‘a bad Mexican’

Not my abuelita

I spent my two-week New Year’s vacation with family in Mexico. When I got back to L.A. I felt like I had crossed a finish line and, thankfully, made it back safe and sound.

My trip was not really over, though. Everyone at work and in my life was curious. “How was it?” people asked, waiting for me to tell them about my “homeland.”

Which version did they want, the sugar-coated one or the uncensored version? Normally, I would say “It was good. I got to spend quality time with my family and relatives and ate a lot of delicious cheap food!” But that hardly touches the surface.

I know that I am supposed to feel a deep connection, a feeling of being with my people, a sense of being “at home.” But when I am there, I count the days until I come back to the States. I feel like a bad Mexican.

Mas…Home from my Mexican holiday, I feel like ‘a bad Mexican’

Mexican Mitt Romney is live on Twitter: I am in it to guin it!

(PNS reporting from CYBER ESPACE) Like virtual huitlacoche  growing on a diseased ear of GOP political corn, an avatar of candidate Mitt Romney emerged on Twitter Wednesday, a digital fungus thriving on the stinking mess of Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary.

Using the handle @MexicanMitt,  the campaign’s online Hispanic personality exalts Romney as a canny opportunist, occasionally-job-killing corporate turnaround guru and proud-to-be-loaded capitalist examplar. MexicanMitt now has 1,100 followers.

Pocho Ñews Service  interviewed @MexicanMitt via email:  

PNS: You seem to love enforcing immigration policies. How many of your own Mexican family members have you deported?

MexicanMitt: I keep deporting them back after they finish working for me selling oranges. So I don’t think of it as deporting them, more like firing them

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney is live on Twitter: I am in it to guin it!

The Pocho Ocho Spanglish words every pocho must know


8. Pants,  as in sweatpants, and it’s pronounced in Spanish, otherwise it wouldn’t count as Spanglish. Say “pontz.” These are what Richard Simmons should wear.

7. Chores, the seasonal opposite of pants, chores (pronounced: CHor-Essss), are even good to wear during the winters in most of the Southwest. Richard Simmons wears these.

6. Cornfleis,  you know, like America’s favorite good-for-you-finish-it-up cereal. Remember breakfast is the most importante meal of the day. And sometimes you get toys.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho Spanglish words every pocho must know

Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

(PNS reporting from MIAMI) The imminent crash – later this week – of a Russian space probe scares local spiritual gurus and national experts alike. All of them fear that the death dive of the Russki rocket is a Cosmic Warning of the Mayan Doomsday, scheduled for Dec. 21. Their big brains, however, are split on ways to prevent the Beginning of the End.

“Oh it’s easy,”  one local specialist told PNS. “Just burn the candles.” Futurologist Pat Robertson’s advice is just one word: “Run!”

Russians espace commissars have predicted that fragments from the failed Phobos-Ground probe are expected to fall to Earth around Jan. 15.

What can an ordinary person do?

“Candles, definitely lots of candles,” said S.W. 46th St. curandero Alejandro “La Luz de Jesus” Sosa.

Mas…Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

Catholic bishop voicemail transcript: I have a chica and two kids, Your Eminence – I resign

Gabino Zavala (photo by Archdiocese of Los Angeles)

(PNS reporting from VATICAN CITY) Los Angeles Roman Catholic Auxiliary Bishop Gabino Zavala shocked the Southern California faithful late last year when he resigned after revelations of a long-standing romantic relationship and two children. He left his farewell to God’s Holy Church via voicemail, according to transcripts of his phone calls to Archbishop Jose Gomez just furnished to PNS by ex-News of the World tech staffers. The transcript:

(BEEP)

Your Eminence...it's Gabe.  I know we're busy with the Holy Days and all but I really needed to give you a heads-up on a couple of things. Since you came to the Archdiocese and with you an Opus Dei guy and me a Pax Christi guy...it's been a little bit like Chivas vs America (chuckles)...but anyway I guess you being ultra-conservative and me being more Christ-like...sorry I mean liberal...isn't really why I'm calling.  Listen a couple of things have come up.  You remember I was telling you about that the woman I met at the Interfaith Worker Justice convention back in '99...the one in Vegas that

Mas...Catholic bishop voicemail transcript: I have a chica and two kids, Your Eminence – I resign

SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers

The first time a man made a sexual advance to me – some random guy on the other side of the street – I was 13.  Yes, although I hadn’t even started shaving my legs, I was already trying to figure out how to deal with sexual weirdos. Such tender memories.

If I recall correctly, his exact words, or sounds, were something like “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!”

Mas…SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers

Secret New Hampshire: They lie about origins, talk funny and hate God

(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) New Hampshire is the small Yanqui state where Republicans vote today in a primary election. When tonight’s results come in, remember where they’re coming from – a jurisdiction where people live a lie, talk in a dialect devoid in rhoticity and don’t go to church like other Americans!

These are the secrets of the Granite State:

Arizona racist white ladies threaten Mexicans: THE MOVIE

Not all people from Arizona are stupid racist dumbasses, but the two young women starring in the now-infamous year-old Racist Arizona White Ladies video sure are. It was reposted recently on YouTube and viewed over 1.2 million times. Throughout this poorly-lit hate flick two young female Arizonans cheer on the anti-immigrant law SB1070, which has since been partially gutted by courts, and engage in racist name-calling and vile stereotyping, and issue horrid violent threats to their brown-skinned neighbors.

Mas…Arizona racist white ladies threaten Mexicans: THE MOVIE

Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

Purse by Notagucci™

8. Aqua Net: Yeah, for hair, stupid. But I also use this for multiple things like bug spray, deodorant, and even as a substitute for glue.

7. Mazapan: Marzipan is a yummy almond-flavored treat and mazapan is a similar treat made with peanuts. Instead of eating like a horse on your date, pop one of these in your mouth to hold you, you don’t want to look like my homegirl La Piggy.

6. Morning After Pill: I know you have probably taken this within the last two months but it’s quite all right, I am a ho, too. Always be prepared, Junior does not need a little brother.

Mas…Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) As president, Rick Perry “would send troops back into Vietnam,” the Texas governor declared during Saturday’s presidential debate.

Blasting Pres. Barack Obama for letting Vietnam “just sit there,” Perry (R-TX) said the area is susceptible to a light-speed invasion from Mexican Klingons and possibly people who hate Christmas.

“Look, these people have the technology. I’ve seen it. I think the idea that we allow these Mexi-Klingons to come back into Vietnam and take over that country, with all of the treasure, both in blood and money, and uhm, one other thing, oh shit…well with all that we have spent there because this president wants to kowtow to his Borg leftist base…I think it is a huge mistake,” Perry said during the debate.

Mas…Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

Year after shooting, modest Giffords aide still says he is not a hero


Daniel Hernandez Jr., the Congressional intern who saved Rep. Gabby Gifford’s life on Jan. 8 last year, still declines to call himself a hero.

A mentally-ill man fired on Giffords and her constituents, killing six people and and wounding 13, including the popular liberal Democratic representative.

Only on the job five days, Hernandez, a student intern who had accompanied the congressmember to the Tucson shopping center for a voter registration event, rushed to her side when he heard gunshots and held her bleeding head and comforted her until paramedics took over her care.

In a TV interview, Hernandez still declines the “hero” label. Presidential candidate wannabe AK Half-Governor Sarah Palin was also singled out for scrutiny at the time because of an ad on her website that put gunsite cross hairs on Gifford’s congressional district.

Hernandez was just elected to the Tucson school board.

Palin has never been elected to anything since.

The Week in Ñews: Iowa analysis, death by chihuahua, looking ‘Mexican’

By Julio Salgado

Hatred of the poor edged out racism and homophobia in the Iowa GOP caucuses, a Fresno man was mauled by chihuahuas and died of shame, and the attempt to repeal the California Dream Act failed when the referendum’s backer (photo, right) couldn’t score enough racist jerkwad signatures to get their scheme placed on the ballot.

For these Pochostan stories and more, click here:

Mas…The Week in Ñews: Iowa analysis, death by chihuahua, looking ‘Mexican’

Sabado Pochonte Video: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (en Inglés)

robotaztecmummyThe Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (La Momia Azteca Contro El Robot Humano): The walking Aztec mummy Popoca has returned, and this time he is pitted against a mad scientist and his creation, the Human Robot, a cyborg with a mechanical body, steel claws and a human head! Enjoy one hour of cheesy Mexican horror cinema from 1958 – poorly dubbed in unlikely English!

Mas…Sabado Pochonte Video: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (en Inglés)